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Mon, 21 Sep 2020
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Smiley

Nobel prize? Trump forges peace deal between elves, dwarves

trump elves dwarves
© The Babylon Bee
Meeting in the Golden Hall of Rohan this week, a location neutral to both Elves and Dwarves, well-known master negotiator Donald Trump forged a historic peace deal between the two races.

"OK, you, little guy -- what's your beef with blondie here?" Trump asked Gimli son of Glóin, representing the ancient race of Dwarves, as Trump gestured toward Legolas, son of Thranduil of Mirkwood. "He's a nice guy. Talked to him myself. He's a little weird, sure. A little full of himself. And he says strange stuff sometimes like 'A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night.' But aren't we all a little unique in our own way?"

Gimli crossed his arms. "He is always making fun of my height. And he thinks he's better than everyone just because he's got that long, flowing, blonde hair. Hmph."

"Blondie, is this true?" Trump asked.

Legolas looked down ashamedly and drew a circle in the ground with his foot. "Yeah. Maybe I was a little too harsh. I was just joking around. Sorry, man."

"Beautiful! A new alliance. Best alliance maybe ever!" The pair then went skipping off into the sunset, killing Orcs and having a lively competition over who could kill more of the evil invaders.

Next, Trump says he plans to try to unite Saruman and Sauron. "Should be a piece of cake!"

Smiley

Miracle cure! Mental health experts suggest logging off social media, then backing over all your electronic devices with a van

computer car run over
© The Babylon Bee
In a new report issued Wednesday, health experts are now recommending regularly logging off your social media accounts, and then backing over your electronic devices with a van or other large vehicle.

"We've found that mental wellness is greatly increased when people take a few minutes each day to log off of Facebook and Twitter, take a stroll out to the driveway, and just crush all of their electronic devices forever," one study intern told reporters. "Then stare pensively at the beautiful weather and enjoy your newfound freedom from the toxicity that permeates the internet."

The study showed that people who log off of Twitter to escape the latest political or social drama and then permanently destroy their smartphones are "far more likely" to lead positive, fulfilling lives than those who stay logged into the service. Likewise, the research showed that avoiding a drawn-out Facebook debate is best done by logging out, taking a few deep breaths, and then crushing your laptop with an industrial vehicle.

"It's science," they concluded.

Bomb

Democrats reveal they have planted dynamite all around nation and will blow it up if Biden isn't elected

nancy pelosi bomb
In an address to the nation written using letters cut out from a magazine and glued to paper, the Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden's election. According to the letter, Democrats have planted booby traps rigged with dynamite all throughout the country, and they are set to explode if Biden is not elected president.

"Why so serious?" said Biden's running mate Kamala Harris. "It's just a little joke! The real joke is Trump, and we're just joining in all the fun! HEE HEE HEE HA HO HA HEE HO!"

"Vote for Biden, or the country you love will be blown sky-high -- HAHAHA!" cackled Nancy Pelosi. "If you don't want to see the Lincoln Memorial, shall we say, in a state of disrepair, you'd better vote for the old, senile man! Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA... fnffff oh, do excuse me... ha ha ha ha ha! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Her heavy makeup smeared down her face as she cried in laughter, making her resemble a clown.

Smiley

U-Haul introduces new line of armored War Rigs: Perfect for Californians fleeing state's post-apocalyptic wasteland

uhaul armored truck california apocalypse
© The Babylon Bee
To help meet the demand of millions of people desperately trying to escape the dark, ravaged wasteland of California, U-Haul is introducing a new product in its moving van line-up: the War Rig. These weaponized, armored moving vehicles will ensure you and your belongings stay safe during the long and perilous journey out of the state.

"We knew it was time to introduce some more serious vehicles to our fleet," said local U-Haul franchise owner Glax Destroyer, who manages 12 locations in Southern California. "We brought in the War Rig to supplement our completely depleted fleet of moving vans. With everyone leaving in droves, we don't have much left. We're pretty much salvaging old trucks from the junkyard and then adding armor plating and mounted weapons."

Sources confirm that each War Rig will comfortably seat a traditionally-sized California family of one person. They boast a fuel economy of 6 miles per gallon of guzzoline, which the U-Haul location will provide.

"I live! I die! I live again!" cried one patriarch as he led his family through the desert and toward Arizona in one of the new U-Haul War Rigs. "Witness me!"

Mr. Destroyer encourages customers to come early to secure their rigs before his power goes out and everything bursts into flames.

Frog

Babylon Bee explains it all for you: Creationism versus Evolution

evolution
Where do we come from? Why are we here? These are questions a lot of people agonize over, though we're usually too busy doing more expedient stuff like watching Netflix. But, because y'all insisted, we got our lazy behinds off the couch and started researching the whole creationism vs. evolution thing. We watched YouTube videos, visited the Ark Encounter, and binged every episode of Bill Nye Saves the World. Several interns died to bring us this information, so please cherish it.

Origins

Creationism: Man looked around at creation and was like, "Yep, this was definitely designed. Only an idiot would think otherwise."

Evolution: It all began when a guy sailed to an island and saw a bunch of birds with different sizes of beaks which of course can only mean God is dead.

Beliefs

Creationism: We were fashioned by the universe's greatest artist and engineer who loves us and has a plan for us. Also, Jesus probably rode a dinosaur at some point, which is pretty frickin' rad.

Evolution: All life evolved from a rock billions of years ago totally by accident so you should just kill yourself because everything is meaningless. Talk about an uplifting worldview!

Comment: Evolution - A Modern Fairy Tale


Smiley

Rioters beginning to worry they can no longer loot safely

joke rioters house burning
© The Babylon Bee
For the past few months, the riots across America have been relatively peaceful, with people able to loot stores, beat bystanders, and burn down buildings without any fear of violence. That has changed recently, though, with the deployment of the National Guard in some places and the outbreak of armed right-wingers in other areas.

"It used to be if you were just minding your own business, stealing things and setting the neighborhood on fire, people would leave you alone," said Chris Rice, a rioter. "Now it's getting scary. You can't even smash a window in peace."

Many point to how Kyle Rittenhouse shot three people and worry that incidents like that could spread.

"Everything has been so peaceful during these riots," said Noah Glover, a self-described member of Antifa. "You could just run up to someone and beat him unconscious with a sock full of nickels and not have to worry about any violence. But now it's getting dangerous."

Some of the rioters are trying to think of new ways to get their message across other than looting and arson, but none of them can remember what they were protesting.

Quenelle

Ingenuity, resolve, class: Man avoids wearing face mask on Tenerife flight by making tube of Pringles last four hours

pringles
© Michael Richards
Michael Richards managed to make the Pringles last four hours
A passenger came up with an extreme method to avoid wearing a face mask on his flight to Tenerife by making a tube of Pringles last four hours.

Michael Richards said he tried out the experiment for "a laugh" and not because he is an "anti-masker".

Like most airlines during the coronavirus pandemic, EasyJet has introduced new rules that state face masks must be worn at the airport, at the gate and when boarding the plane.

But passengers are allowed to remove their masks while eating food during their flight.

When Mr Richards boarded his EasyJet flight from Manchester to Tenerife on August 25, he decided to see how long he could go without wearing his mask.

The 41-year-old entertainer told the Evening Standard: "I was just sitting on the plane and I thought I could make these Pringles last four hours.

"I calculated that there's about 100 Pringles in a tube and you get away with eating a Pringle for about two-and-a-half minutes."

Attention

Breaking! Anonymous White House source claims Trump punched a baby!

trump baby
An anonymous report from anonymous sources confirmed without a doubt that Trump has punched a baby directly in the face, completely unprovoked. According to the anonymous sources that are so anonymous they speak mainly through quiet whispers carried along on the north winds, Trump was in the Oval Office when he saw the innocent baby and ruthlessly assaulted him.

"That baby, he looked at me funny," said Trump, according to 48 sources who wish to remain unidentified. "I know a funny look when I see one. What a dope! That baby looks like a complete and total loser. You want a piece of me, baby?"

Secret witnesses who have not been named are confirming that Trump wound up and punched the baby square in the face, even though the baby had done nothing aggressive or right-wing that would rightly provoke such an attack. "I prefer babies who aren't total losers," said Trump. "That baby was a complete disaster. Looked at me funny. Probably a member of Antifa. Sad."

Nancy Pelosi has confirmed that the anonymous sources cited by the media have leaked further information on Trump's alleged altercation with the baby. She has assured the public she will be conducting a thorough and anonymous investigation.

The media has reached out to the baby, who chooses to remain anonymous. According to media investigators, the baby, in his first words, has anonymously endorsed Biden for president.

Republicans have denied the allegations, calling them "stupid" and "ridiculous" and saying they're 95% sure Trump would never do anything like that.

Apple Red

The woke creation myth: The genesis of injustice

cathedral
Chapter 1

1. IN THE BEGINNING there was Justice in the world. 2. The world was like a garden, and it was full of people who were warring and enslaving, raping and conquering, murdering and killing, and committing of genocides and ruling of empires. This was Just because they were as equals, none with power over any other. Any power they could acquire was not systemic and could not last long, for each was as ignorant as every other. This was the Garden of Even, where all had the same amount of power.

3. Everyone in the world was at peace, amidst their warring, and all the rest, as their cultures rose, interacted, and fell, and the many diverse peoples of the world were happy. The Garden of Even, they saw, was inclusive and full of Justice, and they were content. 4. Their contentment included many strifes and conflicts, and every manner of woe and misery, but each culture saw each other as they were: equal and, most importantly, not oppressed. 5. The diverse cultures of the world in the Garden of Even were happy and content amidst their raping, their killing, and their enslaving because oppression they knew not. 6. "The world is difficult, and our neighbors want to take our lives and rape our women, but we are content! We are not oppressed!" they cried unto a Heaven they still believed in.

7. Among the diverse cultures of the world within the Garden of Even, there was one as prone to warring and enslaving, raping and conquering, murdering and killing, and committing of genocides and ruling of empires as all the rest, and this culture had remained mostly an unnoticed people in a northern clime just east of the sea they believed divided the world in two. 8. This culture, and its people, called themselves the Europeans, and due to the earliest injustices of history, they believed themselves mostly Christian. 9. Much like the others, their culture saw spreading their culture — Christendom — as the justification for their warring and enslaving, raping and conquering, murdering and killing, and committing of genocides and ruling of empires, and they were, in that way, at home in the Garden of Even.

Bullseye

Hancock's Half-Hour

Hancock
A brand new TV show has just been announced called Hancock's Half-Hour. Over the course of 30 minutes the main character, Hapless Hancock, playing the part of the Health Secretary, will highlight all the government's absurd policies and fake facts and figures surrounding the covid situation.

Some of the highlights of the show have already been leaked. One of the stories featured will be that of the Seagull on Brighton beach who is believed to be covid positive. In an interview, a public health official claims that the seagull definitely has covid as a local resident called Bob witnessed the bird regurgitating some chips it had stolen from a couple of pensioners sitting on a bench. This combined with the fact that another witness said it had beady eyes was enough to convince the authorities of its covid positive status.

As a result of this spike in cases, Brighton beach has been sealed off, The Golden Cod chip shop where the pensioners purchased the chips has been demolished, the bench on which they sat has been removed and the surrounding area has been carpet-bombed.

The pensioners themselves have been placed in quarantine for six months and anybody returning from Brighton in the last few days have been told to put a cardboard box over their head whilst self-isolating for fourteen days.