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Wed, 08 Dec 2021
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Liberals accuse Rittenhouse of trying to avoid punishment through legal loophole known as 'trial'

rittenhouse trial

Kyle Rittenhouse
Leftists are sounding the alarm that Kyle Rittenhouse — a notorious slayer of white communist pedophiles — may escape punishment through a little-known legal loophole known as a "trial."

"This is very concerning," said Chip Cordray, progressive legal expert covering the case. "Using this obscure loophole, Rittenhouse's fate will be decided by an impartial jury of peers based on evidence, rather than the whims of noble communist revolutionaries on Twitter — such as Bette Midler and Joe Biden."

Experts confirm that if Rittenhouse is found "not guilty," liberals won't be getting their way, which could lead to massive temper-tantrums, such as arson and looting.

"We can't let this happen," said Cordray. "It's time to talk about closing the 'trial' loophole so that justice can be done according to the whims of the leftist mob, as our founding fathers intended."


Terry McAuliffe baffled that telling parents the State owns their children wasn't a winning strategy

Terry McAuliffe

Failed Virginia gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe
Terry McAuliffe said he's completely confused that telling parents the state owns their children, that parents have no say over what their kids learn in school, and that repulsively disgusting pornographic books are good for kids didn't prove to be electorally popular.

"It's so weird," a crestfallen McAuliffe told reporters. "We pulled out all the stops: we told parents that we own their children's minds, that they're wards of the state, and that their children should read horrific LGBTQ+ pornography in their school libraries, and it just didn't seem to connect with the people for some reason."

McAuliffe also performed a somber rendition of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus classic song "We're Coming for Your Children" at his defeat party. "I know we've suffered a loss here, but rest assured," he said. "We are coming for your children sooner or later. This idea's time will come sooner or later. Hopefully sooner."

At publishing time, Democrats had vowed to learn no lessons from this defeat and lean harder into their demands to steal your children for you.


Pope says Covid vaccine will now be required to enter heaven

Pope & Vaccine
© Babylon Bee
VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis said today that God has informed him of a new requirement to enter Heaven: everyone must now receive the COVID-19 vaccine before entering the pearly gates.

"This is very important for the salvation of all people on Earth," Pope Francis explained. "We know that God lets everybody into Heaven because He loves us all and He doesn't really care what kind of mischief we get ourselves into in this life, but we must be wary of the greatest earthly sin of all: not getting the COVID-19 vaccine. God has informed me that He will not let you into Heaven unless you have received BOTH DOSES of this very safe vaccine."


Clocks to go back two years this weekend

Daylights Savings
© Waterford Whispers
AUTUMN is well and truly underway with the biannual changing of the clocks to take place this coming weekend, however, this year will be slightly different to previous years as the clocks go back a record 24 months to the year 2019, WWN can report.

"Due to Daylight Saving Time, we normally put our clocks back 60 minutes on the last Sunday in October, but due to the worldwide Covid pandemic we have decided instead to reclaim the last two years," explained Director of Clocks Going Back, David O'Clock, "hopefully this will give everyone back the time they've lost and there's absolutely no need to thank us. You're welcome".

The move will see October 31st, 2021, become October 31st 2019, sparking mixed emotions from across the world.


Liberal parent tries to figure out how to cheer for son Brandon

sports crowd cheer
Local liberal Joe Bailey has for years enjoyed cheering on his son Brandon at his Little League soccer games, but lately that has proven difficult, since his cheering typically involves shouting the insurrectionist chant "Let's Go Brandon" from the stands.

"I try to be so careful, but every so often in the excitement, I let slip a 'Let's go Brandon!'" said Bailey. "Then all the parents join in chanting, the game devolves into fits of laughter, and all the Trump supporters are trying to give me a high-five. It's horrible!"

According to sources, Mr. Bailey has thought about changing his son's name to something like "Bandleigh" or "Braidlynio" to make things a bit easier.

"Woooo!" said Bailey as his son made a great play, trying desperately to avoid using the dreaded phrase. "Let's go... bud! Well played! Positive reinforcement!"

Just then, Brandon scored a goal, causing his dad to jump to his feet and involuntarily scream "LET'S GO BRANDON!", causing the entire crowd to join in.

Joe Bailey is now on 12 FBI watch lists.


Facebook is planning to change its name

© Lowyat Net Forum
RUMOURS in tech circles suggest Facebook is planning a name change imminently.

Sources well placed within the trusted circle of the company's CEO Mark Zuckerberg have leaked a number of the names being reconsidered in a rebrand that if successful, will make the public forget about the 1,345 weekly scandals engulfing the social network.

While some branding experts have suggested the company's reputation is so beyond salvaging that cancer has a better chance of a rebrand, here are the contenders:

The Doom Machine

Rationale: better reflects users' true feelings towards the platform, and the eroding effect it has had on public discourse and the mental well-being of your aunt Sharon.


Rationale: it's fun! It's fresh! It's much easier coming up with a new name than actually fixing the huge number of problems/legal trouble you find yourself in.


Rationale: complain all you like, they have your data now and they're not giving it back, and with Havyurdata they'll have a name that reflects this reality.


Strange: Google search for 'problems with Biden administration' returns zero results

babylon b ee google search no problems biden
© The Babylon Bee
A recent update to Google's objective, fair, and non-evil search algorithm has a few users concerned, particularly in regards to searches related to our benevolent President Joe Biden.

Clair Claireborne, a stay-at-home planetary physicist with an armchair interest in politics, heard that another member of her local cookbook club was disappointed in the Biden Administration. Having heard nothing negative herself regarding the President's tenure so far, she decided to search Google for the phrase, "problems with Biden Administration."

For the first time in her memory, Claireborne's Google search was met with a screen bereft of any results, only white pixels staring back at her.

"Frankly, I was shocked," said Claireborne. She explained how she had always relied on Google to guide her toward answers to important questions like how to construct an atlatl, the lifecycle of a pinworm, or whether Nancy Pelosi's net worth is really over $100 Million. (It is.)

After receiving feedback from millions of users, Google released a patch to help resolve the confusion. Now, searching any phrase that assumes negativity toward Biden displays search results from verified fact-checking sites like Snopes, as well as the helpful suggestion, "Did you mean: "Tell me why the January 6th terrorist insurrection coup was so egregious"?


Biden promises to stop being a bad president if everyone gets vaccinated

joe biden creepy smile
As Americans struggle against runaway inflation, labor shortages, and supply chain congestion, President Biden has vowed to stop being a bad president if everyone will just get vaccinated.

"Listen folks, here's the deal," he said to the female Secret Service agent being forced to watch him skinny dip in the pool. "Haven't you all suffered enough? I promise to start doing a good job running the country if everyone will just get the jab, Jack!" And then, for emphasis, he repeated "just get the jab, Jack", except in a low whisper this time.

Press Secretary Psaki confirmed that Biden is doing an absolutely terrible job at being president to teach the American people a lesson on the importance of obeying vaccine mandates. "We assure you that once everyone in America is vaccinated, Biden will stop being awful," she said.

Biden also confirmed that if everyone wears a mask and gets the booster, he may even start working full workdays and take fewer naps.

To promote vaccination, Biden plans to travel the country and whisper the words "get vaccinated" into everyone's ears. If that doesn't work, he plans to pound on a lectern and say "get vaccinated" in a loud, angry voice. He promises that after that he will stop destroying the country.


IRS agents bust 7yo for getting more than $600 worth of birthday presents

birthday IRS 600 presents satire
© The Babylon Bee
An elite platoon of airborne IRS agents parachuted into the Smithson's backyard during little Sally's 7th birthday party to enforce new requirements to track any financial transactions greater than $600.

Agents immediately secured the party area by puncturing the bounce castle and flex-cuffing BoBo the Juggling Gorilla. They then proceeded to thoroughly catalog all the excess income collected by the new seven-year-old.

Chief Airborne Auditor Alvin "Deduction Strangler" Clarke reviewed the agents' findings. "Cash payments in the birthday cards alone easily approach the $600 threshold, even though Papa Earl and Gigi clearly tried to cheap out with a $15 McDonald's gift card."

Clarke continued, "We also had a trampoline, several Barbies, and a few Lego sets, although we didn't find the Millenium Falcon that Agent Glenn was really hoping to find for his kids. I mean for the evidence in the case. That's right. A lot of the time I refer to evidence as 'Agent Glenn's kids.' Why wouldn't I?"

Sally Smithson spent the rest of the day filling out complicated tax forms while the surrounding agents ate her cake and ice cream. "This is an important lesson for a young American to learn," said Agent Clarke. "Remember, Sally, always check with the government before you do anything. And don't forget to check that box about donating $1 to the presidential campaign fund. Support democracy!"


Make them practice what they preach!

You think FFF kids are mad at their parents for trashing the planet? That's nothing compared to their anger when you ask them to walk the talk.
Angry Greta
© Cropped from YouTube Video
Angry Greta.
At FaceBook, two German parents of a young schoolgirl decided that if their daughter was going to skip school on Fridays and demand the rest of the world start being responsible for the planet as Greta and Fridays For Future prescribe, then she should begin to do so at home.

Well, that didn't go over too well.

Here's what the two parents wrote: (in German)