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Sat, 28 Nov 2020
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Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Coronavirus panics after testing positive for Trump

trump coronavirus
Coronavirus has begun panicking after testing positive for Trump.

The test came back late Thursday evening, and doctors confirmed the worst: the coronavirus has contracted Trump-45.

"Oh no! We're doomed!" cried tiny little coronaviruses, frantically looking for a way to escape Trump's body. But Trump held his breath and plugged his nose and ears, sealing off escape hatch after escape hatch, preventing the viruses from leaving his body. Superpowered Trump antibodies, shaped like little Ys with orange hair, charged in, sealing the coronavirus's fate.

"Game over, man, game over! They're coming out of the blood vessel walls -- they're coming out of the goshdarn walls!" the coronaviruses screamed as they made their desperate last stand.

Coronavirus was also concerned it might be called a Nazi and doxxed for its association with Donald Trump. These fears appeared to be justified, as CNN immediately began digging up coronavirus's old tweets.


Parrots in wildlife park moved after swearing at visitors

african grey parrot jade
Five parrots have been removed from public view at a British wildlife park after they started swearing at customers.

The foul-mouthed birds were split up after they launched a number of different expletives at visitors and staff just days after being donated to Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in eastern England.

"It just went ballistic, they were all swearing," the venue's chief executive Steve Nichols told CNN Travel on Tuesday. "We were a little concerned about the children."

"I get called a fat t**t every time I walk past," Nichols complained.

The African grey parrots -- named Eric, Jade, Elsie, Tyson and Billy -- were given to the park from five different owners within the same week, and shared a quarantining facility together before being placed on display.

But staff immediately noticed that the birds shared a propensity to fly off the handle.


Debate disaster: Trump refuses to denounce Team Rocket

trump team rocket
© The Babylon Bee
Trump got himself in some hot water during the debate earlier this week, refusing to denounce the evil actions of Team Rocket despite repeated pestering by Chris Wallace.
"Mr. President, will you or will you not condemn Jessie and James' blatant attempts to steal Ash's Pikachu?" Chris Wallace insisted.

"Who?" Trump asked. "I'm sorry, I was thinking of a new nickname for Sleepy Joe. What was the question?"

"Right here. Right now. You have the opportunity to denounce Team Rocket, so there will be no question on where you stand," Chris Wallace pressed.

"Sure. Yes, absolutely. Wait... that's the little weasel who steals Dora's stuff?" asked a flustered Trump.

"No, Mr. President. That's Swiper."

"Oh. Well, rockets are good, I like rockets. I started Space Force."

"No, Team Rocket. The dastardly villains, you know, who attempt to denounce the evils of truth and love and extend their reach to the stars above."

"Well, all I can say to them, is stand back and stand by. Let Officer Jenny handle things."
officer Jenny pokemon

Officer Jenny
Analysts immediately slammed Trump for his comments, pointing out that he has never once denounced the dastardly duo and even suggested there were "very good people on both sides" of the Team Rocket vs. Ash Ketchum rivalry, though he says this was taken out of context.

Throughout the debate, Trump also refused to denounce many other things:
  • Nickelback
  • The Last Jedi
  • The laughing dog in Duck Hunt
  • Wesley Crusher
  • Unitarians
  • Attempts to remake The Princess Bride
  • Superman for Nintendo 64
  • Impossible-to-open clamshell packaging
  • People who put ketchup on steak
It's clear he's unworthy of the presidency.


Babylon Bee scores exclusive! Leaks copy of Joe Biden's debate prep notes

joe biden debate notes
© The Babylon Bee
In a daring feat of undercover journalism, The Babylon Bee's embedded DC reporter has acquired a leaked copy of Joe Biden's debate prep notes. We are proud to introduce them to the world for the first time. Please enjoy. Many undercover journalists died to bring us this information.

Here they are in all their glory:

The pictured scan has been translated for you below:

Eye 1

I was raped by whoever Trump picks to replace Ginsburg on the Supreme Court

woman blue background
This is incredibly difficult for me to do but I feel that it's necessary to come forward and expose the type of person that Trump will select for the Supreme Court of the great country.

I was raped by whoever Trump selects to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg for the Supreme Court.

It was in the 1990s and the details are a little fuzzy. We were at a party and I distinctly remember this person coming on to me and rubbing up against me.

I told this person I wasn't interested but whoever it was persisted and when we were alone forced himself or herself on me, pulling off my clothes and penetrating me while I constantly said, "No!"

I haven't come forward yet because I was ashamed and afraid. This person is clearly very powerful, but now that this person is being considered for the Supreme Court, I think it's necessary to let people know who they're dealing with, especially after Trump picked a literal serial killer last time.

And the Soros money doesn't hurt.

Cardboard Box

Instant karma! Angry driver screaming at Trump supporters and flipping the bird rear-ends car in front of police

Trump Derangement Syndrome
Trump Derangement Syndrome is real.

A far left lunatic was screaming, "F*** Donald Trump!" and flipping off Trump street corner protesters.

The woman started hanging out her window flipping the Trump supporters off.

Then she hit the car in front of her.

Karma is a bitch.

Apple Red

Wife completely fine with the patriarchy as long as it mows the lawn every weekend

Willow and Ryan Wyndin started married life completely committed to equally splitting every task and chore 50-50. It was a beautiful thing to see as they kept timesheets and shared every responsibility 100% fairly. Willow went off to her job every day and came home to take turns doing things like mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, and sweeping the garage.

But, eventually, Willow surrendered to the patriarchy as long as the patriarchy was willing to mow the lawn every weekend, saying, "I'm 100% OK with the patriarchy as long as it keeps the lawn mowed and repairs things that break around here."

She is now rethinking her entire career choice and plans to write a book on why feminism should embrace the patriarchy. She also says she'd like to stay home and have a bunch of babies, so long as she doesn't have to touch that lawnmower again. "I just think it's so freeing to discover that the way my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents did things was actually really fair. Like, if feminism means I have to mow the lawn, then I'm out. That just doesn't work for me. And frankly, Ryan always puts the dishes away in the wrong spot when he unloads the dishwasher - that's so annoying."

"Stay out of my territory, patriarchy!"

Ryan is totally cool with the new perspective Willow has on shared responsibility and immediately bought a pickup truck to haul supplies to build his man cave. He also recently took on a third job so he can pay someone to mow the lawn.


Nobel prize? Trump forges peace deal between elves, dwarves

trump elves dwarves
© The Babylon Bee
Meeting in the Golden Hall of Rohan this week, a location neutral to both Elves and Dwarves, well-known master negotiator Donald Trump forged a historic peace deal between the two races.

"OK, you, little guy -- what's your beef with blondie here?" Trump asked Gimli son of Glóin, representing the ancient race of Dwarves, as Trump gestured toward Legolas, son of Thranduil of Mirkwood. "He's a nice guy. Talked to him myself. He's a little weird, sure. A little full of himself. And he says strange stuff sometimes like 'A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night.' But aren't we all a little unique in our own way?"

Gimli crossed his arms. "He is always making fun of my height. And he thinks he's better than everyone just because he's got that long, flowing, blonde hair. Hmph."

"Blondie, is this true?" Trump asked.

Legolas looked down ashamedly and drew a circle in the ground with his foot. "Yeah. Maybe I was a little too harsh. I was just joking around. Sorry, man."

"Beautiful! A new alliance. Best alliance maybe ever!" The pair then went skipping off into the sunset, killing Orcs and having a lively competition over who could kill more of the evil invaders.

Next, Trump says he plans to try to unite Saruman and Sauron. "Should be a piece of cake!"


Miracle cure! Mental health experts suggest logging off social media, then backing over all your electronic devices with a van

computer car run over
© The Babylon Bee
In a new report issued Wednesday, health experts are now recommending regularly logging off your social media accounts, and then backing over your electronic devices with a van or other large vehicle.

"We've found that mental wellness is greatly increased when people take a few minutes each day to log off of Facebook and Twitter, take a stroll out to the driveway, and just crush all of their electronic devices forever," one study intern told reporters. "Then stare pensively at the beautiful weather and enjoy your newfound freedom from the toxicity that permeates the internet."

The study showed that people who log off of Twitter to escape the latest political or social drama and then permanently destroy their smartphones are "far more likely" to lead positive, fulfilling lives than those who stay logged into the service. Likewise, the research showed that avoiding a drawn-out Facebook debate is best done by logging out, taking a few deep breaths, and then crushing your laptop with an industrial vehicle.

"It's science," they concluded.


Democrats reveal they have planted dynamite all around nation and will blow it up if Biden isn't elected

nancy pelosi bomb
In an address to the nation written using letters cut out from a magazine and glued to paper, the Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden's election. According to the letter, Democrats have planted booby traps rigged with dynamite all throughout the country, and they are set to explode if Biden is not elected president.

"Why so serious?" said Biden's running mate Kamala Harris. "It's just a little joke! The real joke is Trump, and we're just joining in all the fun! HEE HEE HEE HA HO HA HEE HO!"

"Vote for Biden, or the country you love will be blown sky-high -- HAHAHA!" cackled Nancy Pelosi. "If you don't want to see the Lincoln Memorial, shall we say, in a state of disrepair, you'd better vote for the old, senile man! Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA... fnffff oh, do excuse me... ha ha ha ha ha! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Her heavy makeup smeared down her face as she cried in laughter, making her resemble a clown.