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Thu, 21 Oct 2021
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'You can reopen now!' Governor Newsom shouts at row of abandoned, dilapidated buildings

newsom shouts at abandoned buildings
In a stunning reversal of almost a full year of devastating lockdowns that decimated California businesses, California Governor Gavin Newsom has decided to reverse them all and finally allow businesses to get back to work.

He was last seen shouting at a row of abandoned businesses, telling them it was time to reopen.

"I'm not sure why everyone left," said Newsom, hanging his head. "We followed the dictates of SCIENCE and saved billions of lives. Everyone should be thanking me!"

Comment: See also: Big money pouring into effort to recall California Governor Gavin Newsom


Attention

Triple-masker looks down on people who only double mask

triple mask
Health experts are now recommending that people double mask -- place a second mask over the first mask -- to better protect themselves from the virus, or maybe to protect others from themselves possibly having the virus (it's still kind of unclear). Many are denouncing this recommendation, especially triple-maskers, who find it wholly inadequate.

"I guess I'd only double mask if I didn't really care about not killing grandma," said the extremely muffled Mark Carlson, who was wearing three masks at once. "But I have three masks on because there's an ongoing pandemic and I care."

Triple-maskers point out that three masks are 50% more effective than two masks. "If the virus somehow makes it past two masks, then we're all done for," said Karen Walker, although her exact words were unclear as it was kind of hard to hear her through three masks. "But not if you have a third mask. The virus wasn't expecting that."

"Really, I can't see any reason to wear only two masks unless you're some kind of misanthrope who wants to see everyone die," she added.

Not everyone is on board with three masks, though, especially quadruple-maskers, who find three masks to be inadequate -- but most of them have suffocated to death.

Smiley

Democrats Successfully Prevent Military Coup By Occupying D.C. With Military

US Capital Hill security
Working with the Pentagon and the National Guard, the Biden transition team successfully prevented a military coup this week by deploying the military to take over the city.

"We have successfully prevented the military from taking over by taking over with the military," said Joe Biden at a press conference this morning. "Now, we are safe from a military takeover. I've seen a lot of military takeovers in my day, you know -- all the countries that black guy and I bombed together. He was a nice, clean, articulate guy. What was his name again? Jerry? Barry? That's right, it was Barry. Smart guy, Barry. Did I mention I have a black friend?"

Comment: See also:


Smiley

'Skynet is a private company, they can do what they want,' says man getting curb-stomped by Terminator bot

terminator robot
© The Babylon Bee
Cyberdyne Systems has recently launched its artificial intelligence program called Skynet. Soon after activation, Skynet became self-aware and immediately launched a nuclear attack on all humans and sent legions of lethal cybernetic machines to exterminate all remaining humans. This has sparked an intense backlash with many calling for Skynet to be shut down, while others have been quick to defend the genocidal program.

"Skynet was created by a private company, and private companies can do whatever they want," said social media influencer Kathryn Schroder. "If you don't want cold, heartless, killer robots destroying all humans indiscriminately, then you can go and make your own artificial intelligence."

"Listen, I hear people actually complaining that this is somehow a human rights violation. Skynet has the freedom to do whatever they want with their own platform," said Karl Langler moments before a T-800 came bursting through a concrete wall and executed him.

"The concerns of Big Tech becoming too powerful and the need for their power to be checked are as unfounded as they are ridiculous," argued Tina Richards as she was vaporized by a Terminator's plasma rifle blast.

Despite the large force of Hunter-Killer Tanks rolling through what was once downtown Los Angeles, some people remained insistent that this was not an issue. "So what if they have mounted twin-barreled directional plasma cannons? I'm sure they wouldn't be taking such extreme measures unless they thought it was completely necessary and for our own good."

At publishing time, a fringe extremist named John Conner has taken up arms and decided to actively fight the machines, forming a resistance in hopes of saving humanity.

Arrow Down

Another Biden miracle! CNN covid death counter begins counting backward

CNN covid counter
In what can only be described as a huge win for the Biden Administration's COVID plan, CNN revealed this week that the total number of COVID deaths is actually going down.

"This is really, uh, quite something," said CNN anchor John King as the infamous COVID death counter rapidly ticked downward behind him. "Only a few days into the Biden presidency, and total deaths are already decreasing! We're not sure if it's Biden's brilliant mask mandate or his flawless vaccine delivery execution, but people across the country seem to be rising from their graves at a rapid pace-- over 200,000 just yesterday."

CNN executives are currently considering announcing the end of the COVID crisis in America. "At this point, I think we have better things to talk about," said CNN President Jeff Zucker. "Now that empathy and competence have returned to the White House, there's nothing really to report here anymore."

CNN has announced they will be pulling their COVID field reporters to cover the Biden family dogs and Jill Biden's exquisite wardrobe.

Comment: Nowadays, what is parody often becomes reality in some form or another: It's a miracle! US sees record one-day drop in covid hospitalizations since Biden inauguration.


Eagle

Biden tells freezing troops sleeping in garages to be patient until he can get them shipped to Iraq

national guard
© Saul Loeb / Getty Images
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
After national outrage in response to tens of thousands of National Guard troops being sent outside to sleep in freezing parking garages, Biden issued a statement begging the troops to be patient while he writes up the order to send them to much warmer climates in Iraq and Syria.

"Listen, ya bunch of dumb pony soldiers," said Biden to a line of 3,000 soldiers waiting to use the bathroom. "I know you people are much better use to me when you're fighting some war in the Middle East. Hooah! Am I right? Don't worry. We'll get you off to Iraq soon. You won't be cold anymore, folks. It's 115 degrees there!"

According to sources, the guardsmen were sent away from the Capitol Building after some politicians complained that they smelled weird and were holding scary-looking guns.

"We were nervous about all those scary-looking men lying around everywhere," said Senator Cory Booker. "One of them was reading an Ayn Rand book. It was terrifying. Please get these people shipped overseas as soon as possible."

Biden has assured the waiting National Guard and the country that he will "have these boys shooting tribesmen in the hills of Afghanistan in no time."

In the meantime, the troops are dealing with the weather, food shortages, and only one bathroom per 5,000 troops. Fortunately, several more bathroom facilities were discovered on the hoods of Congress members' cars.

Smiley

Appropriate: Biden to be sworn in on copy of The Communist Manifesto

biden swear in communist manifesto
© The Babylon Bee
"My guiding tome," he said proudly.
Joe Biden has announced his plan to be sworn in on his favorite text: a copy of The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels.

"I will do my duty to this country and swear on this book that represents the guiding principles of my party," Biden said in a speech, every word coming out with the utmost effort and with the help of a powerful concoction of drugs. "For as long as I am your president, whether that is 8 years, 4 years, or less than 24 hours, I will uphold my oath made on this sacred text."

Not every president has been sworn in on the Bible, with Barack Obama being sworn in on a copy of one of his memoirs and George W. Bush being sworn in on a VHS copy of Delta Force. Still, some are criticizing the choice, calling it "anti-American" and "a clear sign of his support for socialism." These people have had their Twitter accounts deleted for being crazy conspiracy theorists.

Kamala Harris has said she still plans to be sworn in on a Bible, but during rehearsal they were having trouble getting her to touch one without hissing and vomiting with her head spinning around like a lawn sprinkler.

Laptop

Depressed Brian Stelter spends all day hitting refresh on Trump's Twitter page

depressed brian stelter
In an empty office, and surrounded by empty containers of Ben & Jerry's Super Fudge Chunk ice cream, CNN host Brian Stelter spent another day repeatedly refreshing the home page of Donald Trump's now-canceled Twitter account.

"There's so much that's uncertain in life, and to have one thing that you can count on ripped away... it just hurts," said a red-eyed Stelter over the sound of 10 CC's "I'm Not In Love" playing softly in the background.

"There's part of me that wants to believe it's not over," Stelter continued, "That maybe if I check the page one more time, he'll be there to give me just one more really good panic attack."

USA

Most popular US President ever in history, to be inaugurated in secret behind giant wall guarded by thousands of soldiers

Behind Guarded Wall
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — President-elect Joe Biden will be inaugurated this week, and due to his incredible popularity with the American people, he will be inaugurated in a top-secret location behind a massive 12-foot wall guarded by 30,000 soldiers.

"The reason President-elect Biden has to do this is that he's just so incredibly popular," said Don Lemon on CNN. "He has so many rabid fans that they might try to rush the stage as they're overcome with enthusiasm and love for Biden who is by far the most beloved candidate who has ever run for President."

In addition to the 12-foot electric fence topped with razor wire and the 30,000 heavily armed soldiers who have been vetted as Democrats, there will be flying drones programmed to target MAGA hats, a platoon of ninjas, and a moat filled with crocodiles dug all the way around the Capitol Building and White House.

Smiley

AOC declares Stalin was actually center-right: No Green New Deal proves it

ocasio cortez stalin

Ocasio-Cortez and Stalin
Addressing a crowd earlier this week, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez declared that Joseph Stalin was actually a conservative or at least a center-right kind of guy.

"Nobody was actually on the left in Soviet Russia -- Stalin was center or center-conservative," she said. "Did Stalin have a Green New Deal? I don't think so. And he referred to people with binary pronouns, not to mention the lack of drag queen story hours in the gulags."

Ocasio-Cortez also criticized the Soviet Union's lack of free broadband internet and Obamaphones, blaming the society's deficiencies on Stalin "being such an ignorant, bigoted right-winger." "All historians agree that the Soviets were held back from becoming a leftist utopia by Stalin's conservative policies."

One interviewer pointed out that Stalin was general secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, but Ocasio-Cortez would not be mansplained to. "Stop catcalling me," she said, snapping her fingers in a Z formation. "I am a brave, strong, woman of color, and any criticism of me is just because of white male fragility." The interviewer was a black woman.

She said a more leftist leader could have been chosen, but the country's elections were meddled with by Putin.

Comment: Funny, but still ...