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Mon, 20 Nov 2017
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Nation rallies around Ronald McDonald statue that embodies country's true heritage

Affirming their unwavering support for the fast food mascot, Americans rallied around a Ronald McDonald statue Thursday that they said embodied the country's true heritage. "We refuse to let what this clown represents to our people and our way of life just be snuffed out," said Jackson, MS resident Martin Kerpatch, one of the many demonstrators at a McDonald's PlayPlace who had locked arms in a circle around the fiberglass sculpture of the iconic character relaxing on a bench.

"You may not support everything this statue represents-we acknowledge that menu items such as the Arch Deluxe and McDLT complicate Ronald McDonald's legacy-but to erase it from history would mean erasing the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets as well. And we will never allow that to happen." At press time, the protestors had begun swaying and chanting, "Ba da ba ba bah! I'm lovin' it! Ba da ba ba bah! I'm lovin' it!"

Grey Alien

Authorities advise on possible "Lizard Man" and "Bigfoot" sightings during solar eclipse

© Post and Courier
The "Lizard Man" as illustrated in a July 1989 Post and Courier
Amid the solar eclipse's hype, which will bring millions of visitors to dozens of events happening across the state this month, here's one thing you probably haven't prepared for: a supernatural encounter.

Luckily, several government agencies have been ahead of the game, already highlighting on social media the possibility of paranormal activity as the sky goes dark mid-afternoon on Aug. 21.

And with the Carolinas' history of "Lizard Man" and "Bigfoot" sightings, residents should be aware of the possibilities. At least the South Carolina Emergency Management Division thinks so.


UK aircraft carriers named after Royal Family because they're a huge waste of money

© YouTube
New British aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth to be world's second largest supercarrier.
The Ministry of Defence has confirmed that the Royal Navy's two new aircraft carriers have been named after the Queen and the Prince of Wales because, much like them, they are an enormous waste of money.

The cost of the aircraft carriers was originally thought to be in the region of £5.2bn, which is an amount the nation can definitely spare in the current economic climate, but the firms building the new aircraft carriers say the cost has risen by at least £1bn and possibly almost £2bn.

A MoD spokesperson revealed, "It seemed a fitting tribute that two people who have contributed very little to the country at the taxpayer's expense should have the honour of having their names put to what amounts to 120,000 tonnes of metal contributing very little to the country at the taxpayer's expense.


Credible US intel warns that North Korea may be in possession of a Godzilla

© Waterford Whispers News
THE United States have issued a stark warning to North Korea about the level of retaliation they will face if they attempt to attack US citizens or bases with any form of gargantuan mutated monster, following intel from Pyongyang that the DPRK has come into possession of a Godzilla.

"We have received a dossier that North Korea may be about to unleash a Godzilla, or possibly a Rodan on US naval warships in the Pacific Ocean," stated President Donald Trump, clearing his schedule from any investigations into irregularities with his administration so that he could properly address the developing Kaiju crisis.


'Yar argoin tew farst': Village updates road signs so locals can understand them

Villages across Norfolk have been forced to spend a small fortune on new road signs so that locals can understand them.

The road signs are written in the backward local language so that Norfolk people can tell if they are going too fast.

They are cropping up all over the county, but one visiting motorist, who was risking life and limb by crossing over the border from Suffolk, found three in the same village of Old Buckenham, near Attleborough.

"It's rare to see three in the same place," the motorist, who asked not to be named for safety reasons, said.

"The local language is quite quaint, to be fair," he added. "But it does rather add to Norfolk's reputation of being a medieval throwback."

Black Cat 2

Cats busy celebrating Human Slave Day!

© Ground Zero Web
Cats across the country are today celebrating the hairless monkeys that cater to their every whim.

In parks and gardens from the South coast to Scotland, cats are entertaining each other with stories of their lumbering slaves and the lengths they will go to in order to please them.

Cat Ginger Williams told us, "I have a couple of the big ones that I allow to live with me; They're a bit of a nuisance most of the time, but I'm happy to take this one day out of my busy schedule to recognise their contribution to my ongoing satisfaction.

"They will clean up after me on demand, and will often remain still if I need somewhere warm to rest and the floor is too cold to sit on.

"Like any slaves, they need a bit of managing and are a bit slow on the uptake, but I have them pretty well trained by now. I only have to raise an eyebrow and they bring me food or a toy.

"If they behave well, I will sometimes reward them by letting them stroke me. Sometimes."

When told that in reality he actually 'belongs' to the hairless monkeys, Williams said, "You actually believe that? Hilarious."


Save the universe from alien infection! NASA seeks Planetary Protection Officer

NASA wants you!
Nasa is hiring someone who can defend Earth from alien contamination.

The full-time role of "planetary protection officer" will involve ensuring that humans in space do not contaminate planets and moons, as well as ensuring that alien matter does not infect Earth.

The pay is a six-figure salary: as much as $187,000 (£141,000) a year plus benefits.

The job post reads: "Planetary protection is concerned with the avoidance of organic-constituent and biological contamination in human and robotic space exploration."

"Nasa maintains policies for planetary protection, applicable to all space flight missions that may intentionally or unintentionally carry Earth organisms and organic constituents to the planets or other solar system bodies, and any mission employing spacecraft, which are intended to return to Earth and its biosphere with samples from extraterrestrial targets of exploration."


Leaked photos link Corbyn to known international terrorist

© Waterford Whispers News
Damining photos which show Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn talking to a notorious international terrorist have been found online, reinforcing calls in Westminster for the traitor to step down.

The photos, which span over the last 20 years, show Corbyn discussing matters of state with former Prime Minister Tony Blair, whose decision to commit British troops to a war in Iraq in 2003 based on false information has catapulted him to the top of the international terrorist list.

Blair, who many believe acted in full knowledge that the intelligence surrounding Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was falsified, is held responsible for the deaths of thousands of soldiers and innocent civilians, with a recent attempt to privately prosecute him for his actions being narrowly defeated in the UK high court.


Put a lid on it! Curious cockatoo shuts cheeky cat inside basket after she takes a swipe at her

Peekaboo! Footage from Nagoya, Japan, shows the bird, named Karin, using her beak to prize open a wicker basket - revealing Koume the cat
A cat and a cockatoo have become an unlikely comic duo after a hilarious standoff between the pair went viral.

Footage from Nagoya, Japan, shows the parrot, named Karin, using her beak to prize open a wicker basket - revealing Koume the cat.

Perhaps in an attempt to coax the cat out, Karin playfully pecks at the sides of the box.

But Koume won't take any nonsense and promptly takes a swipe at Karin with her paw.

Not to be outdone, the cheeky cockatoo slams the lid down over the cat's head, prompting chuckles from the person filming the altercation.


Fifty Shades of Cray? Twitterverse suggests more appropriate titles for Hillary's new memoir

Hillary Clinton is set to release a tell-all memoir about the 2016 election, and the title has a few people scratching their heads and/or laughing. Titled "What Happened," it will be an inside look at the 2016 election from Clinton's point of view. Clinton described the book as "the most personal" that she's written, and said that it will give readers perspective on what it's like to run for president as a woman. She said that she "let her guard down" when writing this book.

So this is...something. It should be noted that the book's title is stylized as "What Happened," and not as "What Happened?" or "What Happened?!," both of which would be equally appropriate titles for a book covering her utter disaster of a campaign. Clinton's collapse in the lead-up to Election Day is the stuff of legends, and probably will be studied for the next hundreds of years to pinpoint where exactly she went wrong. While Clinton hinted that she's going to focus on the Russian "hacking" throughout the book, it'll be interesting to see if she owns up to how she completely neglected the midwestern part of the country.