Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Vader

Satire: Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts



Cheney
©The Onion
Cheney calls on Americans around the world to join the fight in Iraq.

WASHINGTON - Reports surfaced Tuesday that the New York - based Fox News Channel has obtained a tape which purportedly features another cryptic video message from U.S. vice president and known extremist Dick Cheney, widely regarded as the most feared man in America.

Sheeple

Satire: New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less


New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

Comment: Obesity epidemic 'is no myth' - Mainly a Problem of the Poor (Starches vs. Protein and Veggies)


Briefcase

Australian drug trial aborted after jurors caught playing Sudoku

A three-months-long drug trial has been aborted in Australia after jurors were found to be playing Sudoku puzzles rather than listening to the evidence.

More than 100 witnesses had given evidence at the trial when five jurors admitted they had been playing the game to stave off boredom.

A woman juror told Sydney District Court Judge Peter Zahra that the brain-teasers had helped keep her mind "busy" as she listened to testimony at the trial, which had cost around £500,000 by the time it was abandoned on Tuesday.

"Some of the evidence is rather drawn out and I find it difficult to maintain my attention the whole time and that (the puzzle) doesn't distract me too much from proceedings," she said.

Penis Pump

California police: Things get ugly at the gas pumps

CYPRESS - Violence broke out at the gas pumps in Orange County. Police say a La Palma doctor waiting in line to buy gas at the Costco warehouse store in Cypress grabbed a tire iron and confronted a motorist who cut into the line.

Che Guevara

The 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered

Everyone hopes to leave a legacy. To be remembered after our passing is the closest thing humans have to immortality, at least until cryogenics figures out how to reanimate Walt Disney's head.

Some people try to pull off immortality with a lifetime of achievements and noble acts. But why piss away all that energy on altruism when you can simply spout one badass quote before you take the dirt nap and live on through eternity known as a guy who needed a second casket for his balls?


Beer

Man Gets DWI After Riding Motorized Cooler

One New York man's Memorial Day fun ended when police pulled him over while he was driving his motorized cooler.

Leslie J. "Bomber" Marr, 57, was charged with driving while intoxicated and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle after the police saw him swerving onf the street and driving on the sidewalk in his "Cruzin Cooler," Whitehall Police Chief Richard LaChapelle told the Post Star newspaper.

Marr's electric-powered cooler was filled with 14 beers and has room for 24 cans and ice, Fox News reported.

Under New York state law, driving any motorized vehicle must be done without alcohol, including motorized coolers. In various states, other modes of transportation in which driving is prohibited while intoxicated include lawnmowers, boats, bicycles, golf carts, wheelchairs and horses.

Display

Satire: 'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

World Of World Of Warcraft's amazing level of detail makes players feel like they are actually in a cramped, dark apartment playing World Of Warcraft.

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

Comment: There are some very serious negative effects of playing violent video games


Magic Hat

Satire: Apple to fool public for 207th time

APPLE boss Steve Jobs last night unveiled the new iPhone, insisting there was 'no way' he would launch a better and cheaper version in three months time.

Jobs said the latest 3G iPhone could never be improved on, and definitely not this year, just before Christmas.

He added: "This is the final version. It's got everything on it, including a little apple symbol, so there's no way a better one will be in the shops by Thanksgiving at the latest for $100 less.

"Listen: the chances of an October launch of a 4G iPhone with double the storage, a better camera, and a keyboard you can actually use, at half the cost of this one are nil. Seriously.

"So if you want one, go out and buy one tomorrow, because we've only got a hundred, and when these run out, we're not making any more."

Fish

SOTT Focus: Penn Guinn's French adventures

Continuing his whirlwind tour of the democracies of the world: Israel, Italy, and now France; Guinn has touched down in the land of frogs' legs, feasts and funky cheese.

Sarkozystan: the arrival; Our Man Guinn arrived in style, the $200,000-a-trip private jet being used by nameless French sub-ministers was unfortunately not available, luckily under the new regime, non-cronies of Sarkozy are provided with lush travel accommodation.

Image
©Unknown
After some breathing assistance, the man from Antarctica is back, ready for his French adventures.

Cult

Spoof Doomsday Cult Prepares For 'Annual' Apocalypse In July 2008

Cleveland, Ohio, June 5, 2008: The Church of the SubGenius has announced that the end of the world will take place in precisely thirty days, on X-Day: Saturday, July 5, 2008. In preparation for the fulfillment of this doomsday prophecy, the Church has issued a call to all of its members, to participate in a festival with rock concerts and blasphemous rituals taking place in upstate New York, during the final weekend before the arrival of the apocalypse.

The Church of the SubGenius is a popular organization often seen as a "parody" of religious cults, including Scientology, the Raelians, the Unification Church, and racist hate groups such as Christian Identity. The organization is widely seen as a satire that mocks organized religion, or as the church describes itself, "a cynisacreligion."