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Fri, 20 Oct 2017
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Satire: Antifa protesters vow to disrupt Neo-Nazi rally...or whatever else happens to be going on that day

Vowing to derail whichever event it is by any means necessary, local Antifa organizers announced plans Monday to disrupt an upcoming neo-Nazi rally or whatever else is going on that day. "We will stop at nothing to prevent these vile fucking neo-Nazi hatemongers from gathering, or, if not them, someone else," said Sarah Jackson, 26, adding that the only way to end the spread of fascism is to physically confront Nazis, peaceful right-wing protesters, or just random people going about their daily lives.

Cloud Precipitation

Going viral: Dog snapped carrying bag of food after Hurricane Harvey

© Tiele Dockens
Otis has got this.
Hurricane Harvey couldn't keep Otis the dog down.

A dog that accidentally got loose Friday night during Hurricane Harvey has become an unlikely symbol of Texas strength.

Otis, a German shepherd mix, got loose Friday night from a screened-in back porch in Sinton, Texas, while in the care of Salvador Segovia, 65. Segovia was watching the dog, who belongs to his 5-year-old grandson Carter who had fled the city due to flooding.

When Segovia went to check in on the dog Friday night, he was gone.

"I kept yelling his name and yelling his name and he wasn't around," Segovia told Chron.com Saturday afternoon.

Segovia checked his porch Saturday morning and noticed Otis' bag of dog food was missing. Segovia drove around his neighborhood looking for the pooch when he was flagged down by a neighbor who said they saw Otis walking around with the bag of food in his mouth.

Footprints

Soldier excited to take over his Dad's old patrol route in the never-ending war in Afghanistan

Saying he "never could have imagined" he would have the opportunity to follow directly in his father's footsteps, 19-year-old U.S. Army Pvt. Tyler Corcoran was reportedly excited Tuesday to take over his dad's old patrol route in Afghanistan. "It's just so incredible that I'll soon be walking the very same footpath as my old man, securing the perimeter of Camp Chapman in Khost Province just like he did so many years ago," said Corcoran, who explained how, throughout his childhood, he had heard his father's stories of guarding the forward operating base but never once considered that he would one day be traversing along the exact walls and securing the identical checkpoints his father had during his tours of duty.

Smiley

New dietary laws demand Catholic church put nutritional information on communion wafers

© Waterford Whispers News
Strict new rules surrounding the distribution of edibles deities will come into place at the start of next year, forcing the Catholic Church to make a full list of dietary information available to everyone they give Holy Communion to.

Until now, the church was free to pass out communion wafers without informing their congregation as to the country of origin, calorie count, or saturated fat content of the hosts.

The new ruling comes after a number of lawsuits involving incredibly devout parishioners who would receive communion up to four times a day, unaware of the health ramifications involved in eating that much Jesus.

Smiley

Nation rallies around Ronald McDonald statue that embodies country's true heritage

Affirming their unwavering support for the fast food mascot, Americans rallied around a Ronald McDonald statue Thursday that they said embodied the country's true heritage. "We refuse to let what this clown represents to our people and our way of life just be snuffed out," said Jackson, MS resident Martin Kerpatch, one of the many demonstrators at a McDonald's PlayPlace who had locked arms in a circle around the fiberglass sculpture of the iconic character relaxing on a bench.

"You may not support everything this statue represents-we acknowledge that menu items such as the Arch Deluxe and McDLT complicate Ronald McDonald's legacy-but to erase it from history would mean erasing the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets as well. And we will never allow that to happen." At press time, the protestors had begun swaying and chanting, "Ba da ba ba bah! I'm lovin' it! Ba da ba ba bah! I'm lovin' it!"

Grey Alien

Authorities advise on possible "Lizard Man" and "Bigfoot" sightings during solar eclipse

© Post and Courier
The "Lizard Man" as illustrated in a July 1989 Post and Courier
Amid the solar eclipse's hype, which will bring millions of visitors to dozens of events happening across the state this month, here's one thing you probably haven't prepared for: a supernatural encounter.

Luckily, several government agencies have been ahead of the game, already highlighting on social media the possibility of paranormal activity as the sky goes dark mid-afternoon on Aug. 21.

And with the Carolinas' history of "Lizard Man" and "Bigfoot" sightings, residents should be aware of the possibilities. At least the South Carolina Emergency Management Division thinks so.

Boat

UK aircraft carriers named after Royal Family because they're a huge waste of money

© YouTube
New British aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth to be world's second largest supercarrier.
The Ministry of Defence has confirmed that the Royal Navy's two new aircraft carriers have been named after the Queen and the Prince of Wales because, much like them, they are an enormous waste of money.

The cost of the aircraft carriers was originally thought to be in the region of £5.2bn, which is an amount the nation can definitely spare in the current economic climate, but the firms building the new aircraft carriers say the cost has risen by at least £1bn and possibly almost £2bn.

A MoD spokesperson revealed, "It seemed a fitting tribute that two people who have contributed very little to the country at the taxpayer's expense should have the honour of having their names put to what amounts to 120,000 tonnes of metal contributing very little to the country at the taxpayer's expense.

Smiley

Credible US intel warns that North Korea may be in possession of a Godzilla

© Waterford Whispers News
THE United States have issued a stark warning to North Korea about the level of retaliation they will face if they attempt to attack US citizens or bases with any form of gargantuan mutated monster, following intel from Pyongyang that the DPRK has come into possession of a Godzilla.

"We have received a dossier that North Korea may be about to unleash a Godzilla, or possibly a Rodan on US naval warships in the Pacific Ocean," stated President Donald Trump, clearing his schedule from any investigations into irregularities with his administration so that he could properly address the developing Kaiju crisis.

Attention

'Yar argoin tew farst': Village updates road signs so locals can understand them

Villages across Norfolk have been forced to spend a small fortune on new road signs so that locals can understand them.

The road signs are written in the backward local language so that Norfolk people can tell if they are going too fast.

They are cropping up all over the county, but one visiting motorist, who was risking life and limb by crossing over the border from Suffolk, found three in the same village of Old Buckenham, near Attleborough.

"It's rare to see three in the same place," the motorist, who asked not to be named for safety reasons, said.

"The local language is quite quaint, to be fair," he added. "But it does rather add to Norfolk's reputation of being a medieval throwback."

Black Cat 2

Cats busy celebrating Human Slave Day!

© Ground Zero Web
Cats across the country are today celebrating the hairless monkeys that cater to their every whim.

In parks and gardens from the South coast to Scotland, cats are entertaining each other with stories of their lumbering slaves and the lengths they will go to in order to please them.

Cat Ginger Williams told us, "I have a couple of the big ones that I allow to live with me; They're a bit of a nuisance most of the time, but I'm happy to take this one day out of my busy schedule to recognise their contribution to my ongoing satisfaction.

"They will clean up after me on demand, and will often remain still if I need somewhere warm to rest and the floor is too cold to sit on.

"Like any slaves, they need a bit of managing and are a bit slow on the uptake, but I have them pretty well trained by now. I only have to raise an eyebrow and they bring me food or a toy.

"If they behave well, I will sometimes reward them by letting them stroke me. Sometimes."

When told that in reality he actually 'belongs' to the hairless monkeys, Williams said, "You actually believe that? Hilarious."