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Wed, 12 Dec 2018
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Muffin

Swans now demanding gluten-free bread

swan family
The pushy middle-class parents of the waterfowl world have announced that they're gluten intolerant and you need to respect that.

Swans, who are right up themselves compared to the other birds that live in the park, confirmed that it's a proper condition and everything and that from now on you're going to have to go the special aisle in the supermarket just for them before taking your kids to the local pond.

"This is just bloody typical, isn't it?" said park-visitor and bird feeding enthusiast Simon Williams.

Smiley

Rescue operations called off for Beluga whale spotted in the river Thames was confirmed to be skinny-dipping Boris Johnson

Beluga Whale
© News Thump
The rescue operation for what was believed to be a Beluga whale stranded in the river Thames has been called off, as the former Foreign Secretary confirmed that he was, in fact, the half tonne pasty beast floundering around naked in the water as hoards of onlookers looked on.

The sighting of the rare "whale" this far south had drawn large crowds of wildlife enthusiasts and local schoolchildren, many of whom became concerned at the bizarre swimming action and irregular blowhole evacuations of the creature.

Toys

Trump brags that he got much bigger laughs at U.N. than Obama

Trump UN
© Spencer Platt / Getty
Calling his speech to the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday "an unbelievable success," Donald J. Trump bragged that he "got much bigger laughs than Obama."

"When Obama spoke at the U.N. he did not get a single laugh-not one," Trump told reporters. "I feel sorry for the people who had to sit through his speeches. They weren't funny at all."

In contrast, Trump said, "I killed at the U.N."

Life Preserver

Daredevil raccoon climbs high-rise in Ocean City, NJ, drops from about 8 stories

Raccoon climbs side of building
© Richard Tsong-Taatarii / Global Look Press
In the style of Spiderman, a raccoon climbed up the wall of a high-rise near the Boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ. After making it about eight stories up, the critter falls off the wall, spreading its body like a parachute suit.

The video, captured by South Carolina resident Micha Rea, shows dozens of spectators looking up mesmerized. Shock spreads through the crowd as the raccoon is seen pushing off the wall and falling to the ground.

Mr. Potato

'Sesame Street' producers deny accusations that Bert and Ernie are in fact Russian spies

Bert and Ernie
Show runners for Sesame Street have come forward to deny accusations that Bert and Ernie are in secret service to the Kremlin, feeding information to Russia's leaders in order to undermine the interests of the United States.

The statement came in response to a writer for the show, who stated that he's "always thought of Bert and Ernie as KGB" while writing their scenes. Viewers pointed out that Ernie's constant reminiscing over "the Motherland" and Bert's propensity for reading Communist literature as he ignored Ernie's incoherent ramblings suggested that the two may actually be Russian agents.

"Bert and Ernie are puppets, and are therefore apolitical characters without any ability to sell government secrets to Putin," Sesame Street reps wrote on the show's Twitter account. "We wrote the characters to talk about friendship, and they are in no way Russian spies."

"Seriously, they're puppets. Stop making such a big deal about whether or not they're members of your proletariat uprising," the tweet concluded.

At publishing time, Oscar the Grouch had been accused of being enlisted by the CIA to wiretap Bert and Ernie's phone.

Eye 1

Theresa May admits she gets 'irritated' by human beings and their irrational impulses

theresa may
© Simon Dawson / Reuters
Prime Minister Theresa May has admitted in a Panorama interview that she gets 'irritated' by humanity and its strange unknowable ways.

She made the statement during a conversation about Brexit, stating that the process of negotiating a Brexit deal would be made considerably easier if human beings could be removed from the process.

"What I do get irritated by," said Mrs May, her face morphing into an approximation of human emotion, "is human beings and their irrational, emotional impulses that defy logic and reason.

"The entire process of removing Britain from the EU is extremely complex but could be approached in a far more efficient manner were it not for the necessity of consideration for human beings and their foolish emotions and desires."

The interviewer, Nick Robinson, a little taken aback by the forceful nature of Mrs May's outburst, asked her to clarify whether she would prefer it if other human beings didn't exist.

"What, that I were alone in the world? Free to mould the planet into my own vision without the need to interact with human beings who mock and laugh in ways I can never understand? Free to run through as many wheat fields as I like?"

She paused, wistfully staring off into the middle distance.

"No, never even crossed my mind."

The interview then came to a close.

The Panorama crew have since reported that following the filming, Mrs May entered a private room that appeared to be full of dolls and could be heard saying - "we'll show them all soon enough, won't we Mrs Pennyweather."

Heart

Mayor Goodboy: Meet the golden retriever serving as California town's mayor

dog canadian mayor
© Mayor Max/Facebook
Maximus Mighty Dog Mueller II, Golden Retriever elected as Idyllwild mayor
Commonly known by locals as Mayor Max, the incredibly cute tie-wearing golden retriever has been serving as the mayor of Idyllwild for five years now.

It may seem fur-real, but the small Californian town of Idyllwild has chosen a heart-crushingly adorable golden retriever with a noble name - Maximus Mighty Dog Mueller II - to be their mayor. Now there's a politician one can actually trust!

"His role is to make the world a better place by conveying unconditional love and doing as many good deeds for others. My role as the chief of staff is to help run the vision of the mayor's office for Idyllwild, so we actually run an actual mayor's office," ABC13 News cited Phyllis Mueller, Mayor Max's chief of staff, as saying.

Smiley

Still thinking about moving to Canada? Justin Trudeau's top 5 cringe-worthy moments

Justin Trudeau
Justin Trudeau, The Canadian Stallion, is a man of tremendous integrity, depth and intellect. His former career as a substitute drama teacher has truly prepared him for the role of Prime Minister of Canada. Some may say he was elected because of his family name, others say it was because he promised to legalize marijuana, while others believe he was elected based off of his good looks. But I say Canadians saw within him the mind of a soon to be historic political philosopher.

Comment: Even though Trudeau provides an almost endless supply of humorous cringe-worthy and stupid moments, the likes of which make this video only the tip of the iceberg, he is still a world leader, which means every decision he makes affects the lives of millions of people. And that's a scary thought.

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TV

NRATV 'rails' against changes to Thomas the Tank Engine to increase diversity

Dana Loesch NRA TV
To a backdrop of anthropomorphic trains wearing KKK hoods, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch mocked the attempt to make "Thomas the Tank Engine" more diverse, saying sarcastically that the children television program has been a "blight on race relations."

During a September 7 segment of "Relentless," the NRATV host expounded on what prompted her salvo against the beloved kids show: The addition of Nia - a female, Kenyan train - to the show's cast.

"Am I to understand this entire time that Thomas and his trains were white? Because they all have gray faces. How do you bring ethnic diversity?" Loesch said. "I mean they had to paint, what I guess they thought was some sort of African pattern on the side of Nia's engine?"

Stormtrooper

OPINION: I am part of the Resistance inside the Galactic Empire

Emperor Palpatine
By: Anonymous

(note: The Beaverton is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior Commander on the Death Star whose identity is known to us and who would be in danger of being force lightsaber murdered by its disclosure.)

Emperor Palpatine is facing a test to his ironclad dominion of the entire known universe, unlike any faced by a modern galactic leader.

It's not just that the Jedi Counsel looms large (namely because he ordered them all executed). Or that the galaxy is bitterly divided over Emperor Palpatine's leadership.