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Tue, 02 Jun 2020
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Every Covid-19 Briefing. Ever.

covid press briefing comedy
© Larry&Paul/Youtube


Comment: SOTT readers are a busy group. In the interest of efficiency in your daily news gathering we bring you the following universally applicable template for the latest from the UK Government on the Coronavirus / Covid-19 crisis.



Rocket

Real Elon Musk escapes on rocket to Mars as California police attempt to arrest holographic decoy

elon musk holograph covid-19 lockdown humor

Police confront Elon Musk's hologram
Confused police attempted to take Elon Musk into custody today only to discover it was only a hologram decoy and the real Musk was taking off on a spacecraft toward the Red Planet.

The police called for Musk to come in quietly as they raided his Tesla factory, which he reopened in defiance of government orders.

"Hey, it's an imposter!" shouted an arresting officer as he attempted to tackle Musk but faceplanted on the concrete instead.

"He's getting away!" cried his partner as he gestured toward a rocket in its final countdown stages. "Get him!"

"You'll always remember today as the day you almost caught the great Elon Musk!" he cried as his SpaceX rocket took off toward Mars.

"Curse you, Musk!" the officers shouted, shaking their fists at the heavens.

In a transmission from space, Musk stated he will be moving all Tesla manufacturing to Mars effective immediately to escape California taxes and shutdowns and the constraints of archaic humanity.

Robot

Michigan gov deploys fleet of probe droids to catch people violating lockdown

imperial droids lockdown surveillance

Michigan Governor Whitmer keeping the citizens safe
Governor Gretchen Whitmer has deployed a fleet of Imperial probe droids to catch people violating lockdown, sources confirmed Wednesday.

A robed, cackling Whitmer ordered her minions to send the probe droids out into Michigan to find people having fun.

The droids will make funny robotic noises as they hover slowly toward people who are playing outside, planting seeds, or traveling to a second home. Anyone detected breaking lockdown will be subdued by the droid's blaster cannon while the probe calls in a fleet of Michigan State Imperial Walkers to crush them for defying Emperor Whitmer.

Smiley

The truth about COVID-19 pandemic and what needs to be done

Bill Gates, Xi Jinping
In times of the global COVID-19 pandemic, we must take additional measures to combat dangerous misinformation and listen to the real experts in the fields of virology and epidemiology. People like Bill Gates, for instance, that software engineer with an honorary law degree.

Such experts should be given a platform and their messages should be amplified as much as possible.

While I don't fully agree with everything Gates and professionals like him propose, I think some of their ideas are worth considering, nevertheless.

I think the only way to stop the pandemic is to ensure that everyone is either vaccinated or has the antibodies developed through a previous exposure to the pathogen. In order to do that, we have to come up with some form of biometric system which will tie up a medical certificate to the person digitally.

Arrow Down

Arrested for prescribing fresh air, sunshine

Behind Bars
© Babylon Bee
Ventura, CA — Local physician Dr. Greg E. Meade was arrested and charged with endangering the public health after he prescribed a patient fresh air and sunshine.

"You know what the best thing for you to do right now is to go outside, get some fresh air, and enjoy the sunshine," the dangerous madman told a patient. "Walk around, breathe in deep, take in the sun. It'll do you some good."

As soon as he said this, authorities busted into his office and tackled him to the ground. "We're puttin' you away for good, you anti-science maniac!" an officer shouted as he cuffed the doctor and walked him out to his patrol car. "Now society is finally safe from bigoted, backward, unscientific ideas like that going outside is good for you."

Smiley

Chinese government lays off entire propaganda department: American media doing much better job for them

chinese propaganda msm better job
© Politico
The Chinese government has laid off its entire propaganda arm, cutting thousands of jobs at China Central Television and other state-run media outlets as the American media is already doing their job for them.

"It seemed kinda redundant for us to have a state-run media when we have the American press," said President Xi at a press conference Monday. "The American media is carrying water for us. It's pretty incredible. We unleashed a virus on the world and lied about it for months, and the American press can't stop praising us. As long as they make their orange leader look bad, they'll repeat any line we feed them."

"Really, we Commies could learn a lot from the propaganda of the press over in America," he added admiringly.

The Communist dictator sat the nervous, state-owned journalists down and asked them, "What would you say you do there?" to which they responded, "We take the propaganda and tell it to the people." But President Xi wasn't fooled, saying that the American press already does that and the redundancy would be eliminated.

Luckily for the state-owned journalists and broadcasters who lost their jobs in China today, CNN was hiring.

Health

New York mayor reveals special red armbands for police enforcing lockdown

Red Armband
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY — Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city's quarantine on the Jewish community.

"The red armband represents our commitment to public health," he said. "City workers and police who want to show their loyalty to making sure undesirable groups are not breaking quarantine will be asked to wear the bands for easy identification."

"The third glorious era of New York will reign triumphant!" he cried, banging on his lectern. "Together we can reclaim the glories of our once-great kingdom!"

Sun

CNN moves headquarters to underground bunker after Trump touts benefits of sunlight

CNN underground bunker
Moments after Trump touted the benefits of sunlight at last night's press conference, CNN announced the news organization would be moving to an underground bunker.

The news company purchased a decommissioned Cold War bunker nearby. Frantic anchors and hosts scrambled to get underground as quickly as possible, not wanting to be associated with anything Trump said was good.

"If Trump says the sun is good, we're locking ourselves deep underground," said Brian Stelter, wiping tears from his eyes while saying goodbye to the world on the surface. "We urge all Americans to do the same. Sun bad! Sun bad!"

Comment: No news from CNN for the next 20-30 years?? If only...


Water

Trump says drink lots of water, lamestream media reports he told everyone to drown themselves

maddow joke trump water
© Babylon Bee/MSNBC
At his press conference last night, President Trump told everyone to stay hydrated and drink lots of water.

"Water's tremendous, very powerful stuff," he said. "You won't believe the things they can do with water. Water balloons. Water slides. Water beds. It's amazing. You can freeze it and make ice, I'm told. Ice is great for lots of things. Ice cream. Ice cubes. Igloos."

"Anyway, drink water."

Horrified journalists scrambled to warn Americans not to drown themselves in their pools and bathtubs.

"Trump says water is good -- but this is very misleading," said Rachel Maddow. "Did you know that water kills many people every year? These dangerous, unhinged remarks from the president could cause many to drown themselves. Plus, do you know what's hidden in water? Sharks. This president wants you to die from a shark attack!"

Representatives for various bottled water companies quickly released a statement distancing themselves from the president's remarks and warning everyone not to submerge themselves in the ocean for minutes at a time.

Syringe

Latest CDC computer model predicts between 0 and 12.6 billion new COVID-19 deaths by summer

Lab Techs
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — After several embarrassing and widely divergent revisions to the coronavirus projections of infection, hospitalization, and death rate used by government officials around the world to justify shutting down the global economy, experts at John Hopkins have now deployed a state-of-the-art super-scientific computer model and have now determined that between 0 and 12.6 billion people will contract the disease and be completely dead by summer.

"The panel of experts came together to give Americans the true picture of what we are looking at," said Dr. Robert Redfield, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, as he pointed to lots of completely accurate up-to-date charts and graphs from the study. "This is not just the flu. This is going to wipe out between 0 and 12.6 billion people before summer hits."

As a result of the new predictions, the CDC has revised their guidelines for essential workers to continue wearing a face covering and regularly taking their temperature, but to also begin praying to whatever higher power they choose as they await the impending death of everyone on June 1.

Comment: We'll be lucky if it stays in the billions. Trillions, more like!