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Mon, 22 Apr 2019
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DNA test results proves she's only half lizard person

© The Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. - Shortly after Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that may or may not show that she is 1/1024th Native American, failed presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton showed the results of a recent DNA test that conclusively proved she is only 50% Reptilian.

The test, conducted by a renowned DNA expert, showed that only 50% of her blood comes from reptilian humanoids from space bent on destroying humanity. Many Washington insiders had claimed she was 100% reptile, but these claims are now known to be a hoax.


Queen fondly recalls Bengal famine

Queen Elizabeth
© Waterford Whispers News
Following news reports that Yemen could be facing one of the worst famine in 100 years if airstrikes by the Saudi-led coalition are to continue, Queen Elizabeth II could not help but reminisce about her younger days during a similar period in history - the Bengal famine.

Occasionally looking up from the newspaper's horrific imagery of starving Yemeni children, the Queen stared out her Buckingham Palace window in remembrance of the early 1940s, when her father, then King, was emperor of India.

"I wonder if daddy felt any empathy when all those Indians died," she asked herself, referring to her father King George VI who sat at the throne while Britain implemented a series of measures to ensure the death of some 3 million human beings.

"Winston sure hated them; I remember him saying once that they were a beastly people with a beastly religion and that the famine was their own fault for breeding like rabbits. I wonder what he would say about this Yemen lot".

Mr. Potato

Elizabeth 'Pocahantas' Warren 'proves' she had a Native ancestor 10 generations ago

Elizabeth Warren
© Reuters / Yuri Gripas
Senator Elizabeth Warren delivers a speech in Washington DC
A DNA test, provided by Massachusetts Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren to the Boston Globe, proves she has a little Native American blood due to an ancestor some 6-10 generations ago.

Warren has long been ridiculed by President Trump for claiming Native American ancestry, with Trump dubbing her "Pocahontas" and accusing her of claiming minority status to get hired as a lawyer after graduating from Rutgers Law School. Now, a DNA test proves that there may be a grain of truth to Warren's claim.

While the report found that the vast majority of Warren's ancestry is European, the test strongly suggests that at one point in time, likely 6-10 generations ago, there is "strong evidence" that one Native American ancestor may have joined her pedigree. Still, 6-10 generations is a long time ago, and means that Warren is at most between 1/32 and 1/1,024 Native American.

Comment: The Cherokee Nation has now felt forced to weigh in on this farce:
"Using a DNA test to lay claim to any connection to the Cherokee Nation or any tribal nation, even vaguely, is inappropriate and wrong," said Chuck Hoskin Jr., the tribe's secretary of state.

"It makes a mockery out of DNA tests and its legitimate uses while also dishonoring legitimate tribal governments and their citizens, whose ancestors are well documented and whose heritage is proven."

Warren, a Massachusetts Democrat and possible 2020 presidential candidate, has been dogged in recent years by accusations that she may have exaggerated her claims of Native American heritage. Warren, who was raised in Oklahoma City, has said her connections to the Cherokee and Delaware tribes are part of family lore.

The test was performed by Stanford University professor Carlos D. Bustamante. The DNA results "strongly support" the existence of a Native American ancestor, it found.

The Cherokee Nation has been hesitant to wade into the debate, making Monday's rebuke a rarity. The tribe's chief, Bill Baker, is a Democrat.


Skinny dipper dives into shark tank for perilous swim at Toronto aquarium

© Dmitry Serebryakov / AFP
A skinny dipper has risked life and limb to swim with sharks in the enclosure for dangerous marine animals at one of the largest aquariums in Toronto, Canada.

The bizarre stunt unfolded at Ripley's Aquarium on Friday night, when a naked man reportedly dived into the Dangerous Lagoon shark tank and began swimming around.

Eyewitnesses told the CBC that the brazen daredevil ignored warnings from security staff and even did a second backflip into the tank, where spectators can usually watch sharks behind the safety of reinforced glass.


Hello cussstomer service: Huge python plunges through bank ceiling, terrifies staff

python bank
© YouTube / RT
The 1.5 meter python came crashing down on top of staff at the bank in south China. Y
A Chinese bank had an unexpected - and horrifying - deposit on Friday morning when a huge 1.5-meter python decided to quite literally drop in as clerks held a staff meeting.

Staff at the bank in south China's Nanning City were standing together in a circle when the massive snake crashed right through the ceiling and landed among them, only narrowly avoiding taking down a clerk in the process.

In the disturbing CCTV footage, terrified staff members can be seen fleeing the bizarre scene as the intimidating python unfurls itself and starts to slither around the room.

Comment: Upper management dropping into the morning staff meeting:


Watch how a Sri Lanka community rescues an elephant from a well

elephant well
© Ruptly
Locals spent nearly two hours freeing the trapped elephant.
A trapped elephant who fell 25 feet (7.6 meters) into a well in Sri Lanka was eventually freed by locals following a harrowing and risky rescue mission staged by the concerned community.

Dozens of locals banded together to save the distressed elephant who was struggling to escape the narrow and steep well in Welikanda, eastern Sri Lanka, on Saturday.

Video footage from the scene shows the group using a mini-digger and their bare hands to chisel away at the side of the well. After over an hour of tough work, they eventually eroded the brick enough for the elephant to attempt to maneuver its way out.

When the animal continued to struggle, the group filled the well with soil and gravel to give it some footing. Their incredible efforts finally paid off as the plucky elephant was freed, before being guided by firecrackers and delighted cheers back into the wild.


'3 tons max? Don't care!' Big rig attempts to cross flimsy bridge that collapses

Truck on bridge
© Screenshot / SB TV / YouTube
A big rig flips over and ploughs right into a river after its driver decides to ignore a warning sign and tries to defy the basic laws of physics by driving his heavily-loaded vehicle through a flimsy wooden bridge.

A video shared by Belarus news outlet SB.BY shows a large white truck preparing to cross a small river through a short bridge. The traffic sign posted just before the bridge clearly says that the wooden structure won't hold anything heavier than three tons. The driver, however, doesn't seem to care much about the warning.


Massive apocalypse if billions are not spent on his books, predicts Al Gore

Al Gore
© The Babylon Bee
San Francisco, CA - Al Gore spoke at the Global Action Climate Summit in San Fransisco on Sunday and he didn't parse words. "This world is headed for a global catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions if everyone doesn't drop all other priorities and redirect all spending toward buying my books and seeing my movies," Gore said.

"I am not messing around," he added. "I am super serious."

Gore went on to present numerous charts and graphs showing a direct correlation between the destruction of the Earth and his profit margins.

"Science deniers can scoff all they want," he said while aiming a laser pointer at a chart showing his prediction that the Earth will end within five years if his new book does not make the top of the New York Times Bestseller List. "And even that could be too little too late," Gore said. "To really guarantee that this environmental apocalypse doesn't happen, my books need to outsell the Bible."

Eye 1

Jonathan Pie: Rise of the UK free speech police

thought crime cartoon
If you want the police to arrest people for their choice of words then you want to live in a police state. Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie investigates.

Warning: contains strong language

Comment: UK: Teen found guilty of 'sending grossly offensive message by a public communication' for posting rap lyrics to her Instagram account


'Let the hate flow through you!' Cackles cloaked Hillary at campaign rally

© The Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C.- At a campaign rally designed to drum up enthusiasm among Democratic voters, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took the stage in an ominous black cloak and began encouraging her audience to let their anger control them.

"Yes, good, good," she said, nodding at the crowd's visible angst as an evil smile crept across her face. "The hate is swelling in you now. Take up weapons against Republicans - use them. Strike me down if you have to. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourselves more my servants!"

She then threw back her cloak and cackled at the sky, hands blasting powerful electric charges at several of her aides, who were fried to a crisp.