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Wed, 12 Dec 2018
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Expelled Russian diplomats allowed back after shooting some Palestinians

Russian Embassy in London
© Henry Nicholls / Reuters
Russian Embassy in London
DOZENS of countries who expelled Russian diplomats in March have agreed to allow the officials back after it was reported that they shot and killed Palestinians in the Gaza strip earlier this week.

Originally deported from Ireland, the US, France, Italy and Germany, in solidarity with the UK over an alleged spy attack which is still shrouded in mystery, over 150 Russian diplomats made their way to Israel last week in the hopes of getting 'back on side' with their assigned nations.

"Murdering Palestinians in cold blood seems to be the only way to get into their good books these days, as shown by our Israeli friends who seem to be impervious to expulsions," explained Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, while pointing to a wall of death containing the pictures of the dead men, women and children the diplomats assassinated in cold blood, "so we decided to send all of our ousted diplomats on a killing spree in Gaza to appease our overlords, and thankfully it seems to have worked".

Following confirmation of the killings, each diplomat was immediately granted access back to their allocated nation, with Irish Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney stating that he was very happy with Ireland's previously expelled Russian official: "I've seen the pictures of the dead Palestinians he has killed and I am delighted to welcome back our Russian friend to Dublin to carry out whatever it is he does here".

Comment: If you want some inconvenient truth, just listen to the comedians.


Skripal case forces scientists to revise everything they thought they knew about Novichok

Porton Down
Warning: This article is likely to contain traces of satire.

In the aftermath of the poisoning of Sergei and Yulia Skripal in Salisbury on 4th March, scientists are currently re-evaluating their understanding of A-234 - or Novichok as it is more commonly known. Prior to the poisoning, it had been thought that the substance was around 5-8 times more toxic than VX nerve agent, and therefore that just a tiny drop would be likely to kill a person within minutes or possibly even seconds of them coming into contact with it. In the unlikely event of a person surviving, it was believed that their central nervous system would be completely destroyed, and that they would suffer numerous chronic health issues, including cirrhosis, toxic hepatitis, and epilepsy before dying a premature and miserable death, probably within a year or so.

However, according to an anonymous source at the Porton Down laboratory, which is located just a few miles down the road from Salisbury, scientists now believe they may have completely misunderstood the properties and effects of the chemical:
"All the available information we had about Novichok before March this year suggested that it was by far the most lethal nerve agent ever produced, and we had assumed that even the tiniest drop would kill a person within minutes. However, after studying the movements of the Skripals after being poisoned, we have now revised our understanding, and we now believe that one of its primary effects is to generate in its victims a strong desire to go out for a beer followed by a pizza."

Pumpkin 2

Satire: Netanyahu proclaims day of mourning for 'security' wall damaged In Gaza conflict

Benjamin Netanyahu
© Gali Tibbon / Reuters
Wiping away a tear as he confirmed the public's worst fears, Israel prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared a nationwide day of mourning Tuesday for a section of security fence damaged in yesterday's conflict at the Gaza border. "We must all come together and take the time to grieve for this poor, innocent length of fence," said Netanyahu, who throughout his reportedly stirring eulogy shared several images of the youthful barrier, which was first erected between Israel and the Gaza Strip in 1994. "Let us never forget what happened to this beautiful razor wire-topped barricade, which still had so much life ahead of it. As we lower our flags to half-mast, I encourage all Israelis to take a few moments to consider the great sacrifices made by our many brave fabricated enclosures." Sources confirmed Netanyahu concluded the solemn ceremony with a 21-gun salute fired directly into a group of Palestinian protesters.

Star of David

Soldier awarded medal for bravery after being hit by pebble

Soldier Receiving Medal
© Waterford Whispers News
Just days after being struck down by a pebble launched from a terrorist 12-year-old Palestinian's catapult, inspirational IDF soldier and Israeli man, Adam Damkani, was awarded the medal for bravery.

Injured in a series of clashes at the Israeli border, which is somehow situated in the heart of Palestine, the fallen 23-year-old soldier was rushed to hospital in the hopes of not needing a stitch, where a team of medical experts helped dress his injuries with a band aid.

"When we saw the scratch on his head we just had to act immediately," Israeli red cross member Jacob Alterman recalled, "he was visibly upset and was crying profusely, asking for his family members.

"We were all a little taken aback at the level of his injury. He even flinched when we tried to clean the abrasion with a cotton bud. Hopefully it won't leave a scar".


From alcohol to detergent: 'Novichok' brand now a rapidly-growing trademark for Russian products

Novichok brand
© Ruptly
Many Russian companies are now registering products under the 'Novichok' trademark - the chemical the UK says poisoned ex-spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia. From sunflower oil to detergents, 'Novichok' is the new black.

The Russian Federal Service for Intellectual Property (Rospatent) has confirmed that it received several applications for the Novichok name. "The applications concern alcohol and non-alcoholic products, pharmaceutical products," the service told RIA Novosti.

The hype around 'Novichok' first appeared on Russian Twitter and Instagram accounts, where users uploaded photos of sunflower oil under the name - with a KGB logo on the bottle. The mayor of Shikhany - a closed town in the Saratov region - has said his administration plans to copyright a 'Novichok' brand of household detergents. The town is famous for being the location of the Shikhansky chemical testing ground of the Soviet Army.


Priceless: Conservative filmmaker hires unsuspecting actors to read the real facts on feminism

Facts on feminism film
Conservative filmmaker and personality Austen Fletcher recently hired a group of actors to cold read a script from a teleprompter; they were told that they were being filmed for a short video on feminism... only the script contained the *actual* statistics and explanations behind many far left talking points.

Among the debunked myths is the notion that "Women earn 77 cents to a man's dollar" - this is a bunk statistic that third-wave feminists become LIVID over when confronted on it (it's almost as if they *want* to earn less). The truth of the matter is that all average earnings are the same between men and women but, among other things, men tend to enter into more lucrative careers, work significantly longer hours, chose more financially-minded majors in college, etc.

When contacted by The Gateway Pundit about his idea and motivation behind the video, Fletcher said "It's really hard to change people's minds, especially when they've reaffirmed their views over years and years. This project was meant to wake people up and shed some light on issues that purposely go overlooked."

Comment: See also: Five Feminist Lies We Take For Granted

Life Preserver

Corndogging: Artificial wave becomes self aware - attacks patrons

wave pool
© Ellis
FLYover Surf, the newly opened artificial-wave park in Wichita, Kan., had to close its doors after the computer program used to control the size and shape of the wave suffered an "existential malfunction," according to staff.

"My son Timmy and I were in the pool surfing the left, just waiting for one of those ruler-edge-perfect tubes we'd seen on FLYover's Instagram, and then it happened," says visiting Gulf Coast surfer Ron Jenkinson. " A 20-footer came out of nowhere and broke right on top of us. It washed Timmy and me all the way out of the pool and clear past the hot-dog stand -- nearly killed us!"

According to FLYover engineers and scientists, they had been facing extreme pressure from investors to make larger and hollower waves in order to be competitive with other emerging artificial-wave technologies.


Newest model Tesla to run on burning money

New Model Tesla
© Twitter
Tesla is to 'cut out the middleman' by launching a car powered by stuffing money into the tank and setting light to it.

In an investor presentation yesterday, head honcho Elon Musk said he intended to reduce his company's cash burn rate by literally burning cash - which will be 'considerably cheaper' than the current plan of losing three-quarters of a billion dollars every three months.

"Our current business plan involves getting people to give us money and then losing it," he told supporters in a rock-star style presentation.

"What we propose to do instead is to get people to give us money and then set light to it, using the energy from that combustion to propel motor cars forward - or backwards if you prefer," he added with a confident chuckle.

Light Saber

Arizona DOT captures 'mysterious light' on traffic cam over Phoenix

ADOT message
© 12News
Arizona is no stranger to experiences with unidentified flying objects.

From "The Phoenix Lights" to the "Fire in the Sky," the Grand Canyon State has its fair share of famous encounters.

But could we be adding another one to the list?

The Arizona Department of Transportation posted this photo of a light over Phoenix early Tuesday morning.
According to the post, ADOT employees watched the light in the picture "dive and swoop over Phoenix" west of the I-17 near Durango.

The light movement occurred for several minutes, the post read.


Pelican attack sparks graduation ceremony chaos

Pelican crash graduation
© Grant Dillon / Reuters
People react as a pelican flies over a graduation ceremony audience at Pepperdine University in Malibu, California, U.S., in this April 28, 2018.
A pair of pelicans stole the show at Pepperdine University's graduation on Friday when they crashed the ceremony. Footage shows the birds swooping down on to the graduation attendees as people scream and laugh.

Their dramatic descent, however, brought graduation proceedings to a halt as the large birds menaced the crowd. One of the pair landed right in the crowd and appeared to jump from seat to seat while flapping its huge wings. Guests tried to help the pelican lift-off again, but it merely landed just meters away on the red carpet stage instead.

One proactive security guard attempts to draw the whole incident to a close and send the birds packing, but the pesky pelican is having none of it - biting the man he attempts to pick it up. The snapping bird stands its ground as the graduation continues close by.

Comment: Looks like this isn't the only case of pelicans turning up where they're not supposed to be.