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Wed, 26 Jan 2022
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Service stations installing wider signs in preparation for Biden's higher gas prices

satire gas stations bigger signs wider
© The Babylon Bee
Service stations across the country have begun widening their signs in preparation for higher gas prices, sources confirmed Thursday.

The wider signs allow for prices up to eight digits long, "an absolute necessity" for the Biden presidency, according to local fuel station franchise owners.

"We're gonna need a bigger sign," gas station owner Amir Wallenfeld said in an interview with a local news station in Los Angeles. "This should get us through the first few years of the Biden presidency, though we're looking for a bigger one should he be reelected in 2024, should he live that long."

"There, that oughtta do it," he said as he updated the price of regular gasoline to $82.89. "Oh, wait, no -- sorry, just got an alert on my phone." He then climbed up and added a "1" to the front of the price. "It's a good thing we thought ahead!"

Sources have also confirmed that the national debt clock will be widened to prepare for Biden's coming spending policies.


'Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?' Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump

Biden press conference satire

CNN's new ace reporter Ronald Crump
At Biden's first press conference today, most of the questions were thoughtful and pointed, with reporters asking things like "Why are you so amazing?" and "We demand you tell us your secret to being so incredible!"

But one reporter went further than the others. The reporter, a new CNN recruit, Ronald Crump, jumped up and asked, "Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?"

"Hey, come on, Jack!" Biden replied. "That's just uncalled for."

"What's uncalled for is how much of a sad, pathetic, no-good failure you are!" Crump replied, twirling his mustache.

"Come on up here, pal, and we'll have a good ol' round of fisticuffs to settle this once and for all!" Biden replied as Secret Service held him back. Finally, a shepherd's crook came from offstage and yoinked him out of there before a fight occurred.

"See? This guy can't even answer a simple question. Sad!" Crump replied.

At publishing time, Crump had calmly climbed up the stage and began answering questions for the next three hours, claiming it was "out of habit" from an old job he used to have.


15-year-old boys' soccer team demands equal pay for beating US women's team

women's soccer
Dozens of 15-year-old boys' soccer teams across the country have demanded equal pay to the women's national team, since they are competitive with the women and even beat them from time to time.

"It's only fair," said high-schooler Aiden Benton. "This is a clear case of sexism and age discrimination, that I get paid nothing to play and the women get a decent little paycheck."

"End pay discrimination now!" he added, clapping on each word for emphasis.

"The boy makes a really good point," said CNN reporter Holly Bandersnatch. "He clapped on each word, plus, he claimed sexism. It is only fair that the boys' team get paid the same as the world champions' women's team. You just can't argue with hand claps."

At publishing time, the women had made the counterargument that the 15-year-old boys' teams are smelly boys and should be stuffed in a locker somewhere.


Instead of traditional warfare, Chinese military will now be trained to shout wrong pronouns at American troops

chinese american soldiers
The Chinese military has announced that they will no longer be investing in weapons, tanks, aircraft, or traditional warfare training techniques. Instead, the People's Liberation Army will simply be trained to shout the wrong pronouns at U.S. soldiers, who will collapse and shake uncontrollably at the advanced maneuver.

"Brave soldiers of the People's Liberation Army, prepare to launch a pronoun assault!" cried one platoon leader in a training exercise. "Go!"

The Chinese soldiers then began shouting "He/Him!" and "She/her!" at American soldiers, whom Biden had loaned to the Chinese government for the practice session. They immediately collapsed to the floor. "No!!! I'm a xe/xer; it says so right on my dog tags!" cried one weeping American soldier huddled in the corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. "You can't call me the wrong pronoun -- it's literally violence! It's against the Geneva Convention!"


Putin challenges Biden to stair-climbing contest

putin biden stair climbing contest
Vladimir Putin has challenged Joe Biden to a contest of wits, strength, and cunning: a stair-ascending contest. The winner of the contest will gain control of the other country.

"Stair-ascending contest, me and you, right now, let's go," said Putin as he met with the American president. "He who wins become supreme glorious leader forever of other puny weak man." Biden agreed to the contest, though it wasn't clear he knew who this man was or where they were.

"3... 2... 1... climb!" shouted the referee before firing off a pistol. Biden got off to a rocky start as he was startled by the gunshot and scurried off in the wrong direction. Putin, meanwhile, just walked up the stairs. Biden started gaining on him as his handlers corralled him and pointed him in the right direction, but he kept falling over and tumbling down the stairs.

Comment: The US should be so lucky!


World first as Scottish politician misleads parliament

Nicola Sturgeon
© Scotsman
THE revelation that Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon may have given an 'inaccurate account' of her meeting with her predecessor Alex Salmond, which, if proven, will be the first known instance of a politician bending the truth in the history of world politics.

The revelations came to light after a tireless campaign by the Tory party to place pressure on Sturgeon to step down, following her apparent mistruths about her knowledge of sexual abuse allegations against Mr. Salmond - itself another first in the world of politics.

"I am shocked and dismayed at such a concept," said British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who has taken the rest of the day off to process the magnitude of what might happen to politics if ministers were to begin bending the truth.


Powerful: Military to allow troops to replace standard camo with colors of their gender identity flag

military lgbtq camo satire
© The Babylon Bee
A new executive order handed down from President Joe Biden will allow service members to select camouflage that reflects their chosen gender identity.

Soldiers, Marines, and sailors deployed to the front lines will be given the choice of which kind of uniform to wear. Options range from transgender flag colors and rainbow colors to lesser-known gender identity flags, such as tater-tots and dragonkin. You can even choose a furry suit, if you so desire.

"Rather than being stuck with patriarchal desert, forest, or urban camouflage, U.S. service members can now select camouflage that matches the flag of their chosen gender identity," said a spokesperson for the Pentagon. "It is important that every military member feel comfortable in their uniform and that it reflects their lived truth, whether that be a man in a woman's body, a woman in a man's body, or a grapefruit."

"Finally -- you can live your truth even as you fight America's enemies."

In unrelated news, there has been a spike in casualties among the armed forces fighting on the frontlines, though it's unclear why.


Brilliant White House video editor pieces together 2 minutes of coherent Biden remarks from 2 hours of raw footage

biden video editor
© The Babylon Bee
It's another day in the Biden administration, and the president's brilliant video and sound editor Kal Kamden is hard at work sifting through hours of raw footage and multiple takes in order to piece together a coherent sentence for Biden's latest statement.

"It's hard work, but totally worth it," said Kamden. "It's important for the country to have confidence in the president's ability to use words and string them into a sentence to form a complete thought. That's an important part of leadership."

According to Kamden, Biden's latest statement, "Happy International Women's Day to all women and women of color," required 328 takes over the course of an afternoon, and the final video was pieced together from 85 cuts of footage to form a complete Biden sentence.

"Wow, it looks so real-- you can't even tell," said one observer. "Thanks to the magic of video editing, it looks like the president can talk! Brilliant!"

While it is daunting work, Kamden said he is proud to serve President Biden's agenda to appear alive while signing a lot of executive orders. He is currently preparing sophisticated Deepfake technology to simulate the president and save all the editing in the future.


NY Times demands 'journalists should be able to destroy people's lives without fear of harassment'

new york times offices nyt
© JOHANNES EISELE via Getty Images
In a forceful and unequivocal statement, The New York Times has come to the defense of its brave journalists and their God-given right to destroy the lives of private citizens without anyone harassing them or disagreeing with them in any way.

"We at The New York Times stand by the great work of our journalists as they slander private citizens they disagree with and utterly destroy their lives," the statement began. "This is important work because we are journalists, who are like normal humans only way better and smarter and more important. We condemn anyone who attempts to spread hateful messages-- such as 'I disagree with you.' It is absolutely unacceptable."

Unfortunately, many people chose to disagree with The New York Times in spite of their clear and authoritative warning to not do so.

"I disagree with The New York Times," said one man on social media in a blatant case of criminal harassment.

The man's disagreement set off a firestorm of further disagreement on social media, which then set off a firestorm of actual harassment from a group of mean people on Twitter.

The New York Times has promised to retaliate by destroying the lives of every person in the group.


NYT journo melts down after Tucker Carlson showed widely-available image of her, after claiming online attacks 'destroyed' her life


Heroic Secret Service agent dives in front of Biden as reporter tries to ask question

secret service saves biden from question
© The Babylon Bee
Agent is up for medal according to rumors
In an extraordinary act of bravery and heroism, a Secret Service agent dove in front of Biden to block a question from a pesky reporter.

As Biden slowly stepped out of his vehicle, a nosy reporter rudely attempted to ask him intrusive questions about things that were none of her business.

"Nooooooooooo!" said agent James Carter as the CBS reporter raised her hand to ask a completely inappropriate question-- possibly about the Middle East, or executive orders. Carter ran up to the president, arms outstretched, and dove through the air to shield the president from the incoming query.

"It's like everything went into slow motion," said Agent Carter. "My training kicked in and I leapt into action. I'm just happy I was able to make a difference."

Carter took the entire force of the blow from the incoming question before collapsing to the ground.

"Hey-- lookie there, they fly now!" said President Biden. "Hey there young man, would you mind not flying in front of me while I exit my vehicle? I have to get to the Oval Office in time for Matlock."

The Secret Service agent sustained minor injuries but is grateful to have saved the president from a reporter's unwelcome question.

"Just doing my job," he said.