Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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Yellen says two wars 'no problem' for US: She gets 20% 'friends & family' discount with Raytheon

janet yellen
U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen
U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen calmed growing concerns throughout the nation's capital this week by explaining the United States can easily afford to pay for two separate foreign wars because of the 20% "Friends & Family" discount she receives from Raytheon.

"I've got you covered!" Yellen said with a smile after multiple U.S. officials expressed doubt the country could stay afloat financially while simultaneously funding wars in Israel and Ukraine. "With the killer discount I get from Raytheon, we'll be bombing people into oblivion on two continents, all without breaking the bank!"

Yellen then produced her limited edition Raytheon Gold Card and offered to put the wars on her personal tab. "Janet really bailed us out on this one," said Air Force Gen. Charles Q. Brown, Jr., Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "She even has a 'Preferred Customer' Raytheon punch card, so we're only a couple more wars away from getting a free war! Taiwan, here we come!"

The Treasury Secretary was all too happy to help out. "Running a country can be expensive," she said, "especially when it doesn't even bother to pay its own debts. Thankfully, with this 'Friends & Family' discount, we'll be mortgaging the future of our country at a much more favorable rate! Thanks, Raytheon!"

At publishing time, Yellen had scheduled a meeting with Pentagon officials to tell them about Raytheon's new promotion that would allow the U.S. to save big on wars by bundling them together.

Briefcase

Kenyan authorities arrest fake lawyer who WON 26 High Court cases

Brian Mwenda
© Twitter / @AdvocateMwendaA undated photograph of a man claiming to be Brian Mwenda
Brian Mwenda reportedly claimed that his record makes him a "genius"

A student posing as a High Court lawyer has been arrested in Kenya after winning dozens of cases. The man has reportedly demanded that he be admitted to the bar despite being uncovered as a fraud.

Before his recent arrest, Brian Mwenda "argued 26 cases before High Court Judges, Magistrates, and Court of Appeal Judges," the Facts East Africa social media page reported on Thursday, adding that he won all 26 cases.

The Law Society of Kenya (LSK) confirmed on Friday that Mwenda assumed the identity of a real lawyer named Brian Mwenda in August 2022, using the real advocate's details to register himself as a member of the bar.

Comment: Lawyer is as lawyer does. Mwenda seems to have demonstrated high competence as legal counsel. Creative, too.


USA

Pentagon accuses China of being Chinese

Psychopath Austin
© The Onion
WASHINGTON — Claiming to have acquired enough evidence to support the allegations, Pentagon officials held a press conference Wednesday to accuse China of being Chinese. "After a years-long investigation, we now have corroboration from numerous witnesses that China is definitely Chinese," said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, explaining that surveillance shows the rival superpower has been amassing millions of Chinese people within its borders.

"We have always suspected that China might be Chinese, but now we have discovered that President Xi Jinping and past leaders have been secretly letting Chinese ideology run rampant in their country for years. They've even gone so far as to invent an entire Chinese language and history; what else could they be hiding?"

At press time, Pentagon officials claimed the situation had reached a level of concern they had not felt since they first suspected Russia of being Russian.

Smiley

AOC asks why we need a House Speaker since everyone already has headphones

aOC ocasio cortez satire
"I mean, like, they're stereo and everything."
Marking an historic moment in our nation's history, brilliant lawmaker and shoelace combatant Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez boldly took the floor with a biting question for her fellow representatives.

"Why do we need a House Speaker if every one of us already has headphones?" Asked the esteemed representative from New York while holding her custom-engraved Airpods in the air.

The room fell silent as lawmakers from both sides of the aisle turned to listen to Ocasio-Cortez's wisdomly soliloquy as she described how the whole world surely receives piles of nice headphones in little gift bags from well-dressed lobbyists just like she does, begging the question: Why speakers?

After hearing the argument from Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, Georgia's Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene was seen staring at her own headphones, perplexed.

At publishing time, Ocasio-Cortez had died after being laughed at by Matt Gaetz.

Smiley

Monkey spotted 'working' at railway office typing and flicking through files

monkey works rail station india
© the_heavy_locopilot/InstagramTrain passengers were left baffled and amused after seeing the monkey purchased on the office chair flipping through papers and typing on the computer keyboard, mimicking the employees
Travellers were left baffled after walking into a railway office to find a real-life monkey "working" behind the desk.

One customer captured the langur monkey sitting behind the desk in an office chair on video. The footage also showed the beast typing away on the keyboard and flipping through files.

People believe the new employee has learned the behaviour after watching the train staff hard at work. The monkey business was captured at Bolpur Shantiniketan railway station in Bengal, India.

Smiley

Gavin Newsom: California believes in free speech and if you disagree you will be arrested

Newsom
© Justin Sullivan/Getty ImagesCalifornia Governor Gavin Newsom
In a statement given to a roomful of waitstaff at The French Laundry, California Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be the freest state in the Union, and warned that anyone who disagreed would be arrested.

"We believe in free speech and freedom here in the Golden State," said Newsom while nibbling on a 3000-dollar broasted hummingbird with stem cell-infused bordelaise. "Here in California, you're free to wear masks at all times, pay lots of taxes, give gay porn to elementary school kids, turn in your guns, and all kinds of other classic American pastimes! Yay, freedom!"

The governor went on to warn that any disagreement with his opinion of California's freedoms would result in prosecution and prison time. "Disagreeing with me is anti-American and fascist," he said while sampling his main course of live baby goat.

Independent studies have confirmed Newsom's claim, although it is unclear whether the researchers who ran the study were just trying to avoid getting arrested by Newsom. "Our research places California at number 1 in a list of the freest places in the whole entire universe," said one nervous-looking scientist.

At publishing time, rumors had surfaced that Newsom was planning to run for President in his quest to make the entire country as free as California.

Smiley

To avoid embarrassing falls, Biden to be transported by aides using presidential hand truck

biden hand truck avoid falls satire
© The Babylon BeeBetter look than a wheelchair?
The White House announced a new directive Tuesday they say will put an end to President Joe Biden's endless pratfalls once and for all: transporting the leader of the free world on an official presidential hand truck.

"Whoa, look at me go!" Biden said excitedly as he was pushed up the tarmac to Air Force One. "I'm flying!"

The presidential hand truck was specially designed by the nation's top scientists and is reportedly able to withstand the blast of a nuclear bomb.

"This baby is made out of the same heavy-duty material as the space shuttle," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre as she introduced the stylish presidential hand truck, code-named Limp. "It's completely bulletproof and capable of speeds in excess of 5 miles per hour."

According to sources, Biden is impressed by the hand truck's ability to whisk him away from journalists who keep asking him annoying questions about his undeniable corruption.

"Whoosh!" Biden cried out on one such occasion. "Frender limbergrander, man! Weeeeeeeee!"

At publishing time, the president had honored the hand truck with a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Smiley

Trudeau attempts to distract from Nazi controversy by growing cool new mustache

trudeau hitler mustache
After an embarrassing incident in which the Canadian government honored a Nazi SS veteran in parliament, Canada's dictator Justin Trudeau attempted to distract from the controversy by unveiling some cool new facial hair.

"If there's anything that has been a real asset to me in my career, it's my beautiful Cuban hair," said Trudeau to official state media reporters. "Canadians will swoon when they see my sexy new mustache and all will be forgiven! Wenn du wie die Sonne strahlen willst, musst du zuerst so brennen!"

Hundreds of gathered supporters gasped with delight upon seeing Trudeau's new look for the first time.

Smiley

Biden: Menendez stupid for taking bribes in gold: 'Should have used fungible assets laundered by 20 different shell companies'

joe Biden robert menendez
© The Babylon BeeJoe Biden and Robert Menendez: professional vs amateur criminal
With Democratic Senator Bob Menendez facing charges of bribery, President Biden weighed in this morning, condemning the Senator for accepting his bribes in bars of gold rather than fungible assets laundered through 20 shell companies.

"Gold? That's a real rookie move, Jack!" said Biden to reporters. "If you're gonna get rich off a bribe, you gotta have money wired to several different shell companies in Ukraine which will then launder the money and wire it to your son in exchange for a painting, who will then buy some expensive items, and give you your cut. Come on, man! This ain't rocket surgery! Don't they launder money in Mexico or wherever this Menendez guy is from?"

Sources say suspicions around Menendez first arose when he started trying to pay for bags of chips in the Capitol cafeteria with gold doubloons.

Federal investigators confirmed Menendez is now facing several serious charges of receiving bribes in an overly obvious way while not being a member of the Biden family. "We will pursue these charges to the best of our ability," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "Fortunately, Menendez is the only politician in Washington who has ever received a bribe, so we believe this problem is now contained."

At publishing time, Hunter Biden had been seen by witnesses desperately trying to pawn off a wheelbarrow full of gold at a corner pawn shop in DC.

Smiley

Bad luck: Military announces lost F-35 was carrying Epstein client list

lost f35 f-35 satire epstein client list
© The Babylon Bee
In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.

"This is truly unfortunate," said Department of Defense spokesman John Kirby. "The client list that once belonged to the late Mr. Epstein was being transported to an undisclosed location for analysis to prepare to use it as evidence to deliver justice for Epstein's victims. Tragically, with the plane going missing, it is unlikely we will ever see the list again. Such a peculiar happenstance, really."

Media outlets and the public at large have been calling for the release of Eptsein's client list for years but will now be left to speculate as to its contents. "Such an awful coincidence," said conspiracy theorist Ryan Felix. "It just so happens that the very plane that is carrying the client list disappears? Yeah, sure. Right. Funny how that happens, huh?"

At publishing time, reports had begun to circulate that, in addition to the Epstein client list, the missing F-35 jet just so happened to also be carrying the Nashville shooter's manifesto, Barack Obama's original birth certificate, conclusive proof of the identity of the Jan 6 pipe bomber, and all known documentation and evidence of Joe and Hunter Biden's dealings with the Ukrainian and Chinese governments.