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Thu, 08 Jun 2023
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Government warns that with Elon owning Twitter they will control only 97% of the media

Karine Jean-Pierre white house press secretary
The White House issued a dire warning this week, reminding the nation that Elon's continued ownership of Twitter means they now only control 97% of the media.

"We can't overstate how dangerous this is," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Yes, we still control Facebook, Google, Apple, Instagram, YouTube, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Hollywood, TIME, USAToday, The Wall Street Journal, and pretty much all the rest, but we don't control Twitter. This is dangerous to democracy."

The entire intelligence community at the CIA, FBI, and NSA concurred with the warning, stating that "Elon's ownership of Twitter leaves America vulnerable to dangerous opinions we do not approve of." Leaders with the agencies are recommending immediate investigations to bring down the Twitter CEO provided their planned drone strike doesn't work first.

"Democracy is at stake," said all the agency leaders in a shared statement in which they all recited the words simultaneously in a robotic monotone. "We must do something. Democracy is at stake."

At publishing time, several watchdog groups had underscored the warning, pointing to a 128% increase in exposure to unapproved opinions since Musk's Twitter purchase.


Genius director makes 190-minute movie about water with no bathroom breaks

James Cameroon Avatar
© Babylon Bee
HOLLYWOOD, CA — James Cameron, acclaimed director of Avatar, a 2009 movie about estrogen-infused Smurfs, is releasing the much-anticipated sequel in theaters worldwide. The genius director decided moviegoers would flock to see a 190-minute movie about water with no bathroom breaks.

44 oz Cokes are expected to be among the concessions purchased by the dumbest viewers in attendance.

"My flick has so dang many waterfalls," said Mr. Cameron during a screening of the movie to attendees excited enough to submit to testing the bursting point of their own bladders. "Water gushing everywhere, streaming down the giant screen in rivulets and torrents."


Zelensky spotted sitting on mall Santa's lap asking for another $50 billion

zelensky santa satire
© The Babylon Bee
A small commotion broke out and stopped Christmas shoppers in their tracks at a local mall today, as Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen sitting on the mall Santa's lap and overheard asking for an additional $50 billion in funding for his nation's ongoing war against Russia.

"I have been quite a very good boy this year," Zelensky was heard telling Santa. "I solemnly request that you give me another $50 billion to help us in our courageous crusade against the evil Russian invaders."

Witnesses reported seeing Santa nodding politely as Zelensky spoke, despite the obvious discomfort that came with having a grown man sitting on his lap. "He initially started rattling off a long list of what sounded like advanced military weaponry that he wanted," said Annie Lupascu, a mother waiting in line with her children to see Santa. "When Santa seemed confused, the guy just started asking for money."

As a small crowd gathered after word began to spread of Zelensky's presence, the line of children waiting to sit on Santa's lap continued to grow, with many of the mall's patrons growing increasingly impatient. "What's he doing this for, anyway?" asked one onlooker. "He'll just get whatever he asks for from Congress. Why bother with Santa?"

At publishing time, Zelensnky had reportedly exited the mall and gotten into a vehicle driven by Ben Stiller, who was shuttling the Ukrainian leader around to other shopping malls in the area.


Brittney Griner returns to quiet life of obscurity in WNBA

brittany griner wnba

Brittney Griner
After becoming a national cause du jour while being unjustly held in a Russian prison, Brittney Griner has returned to the WNBA and disappeared into total anonymity.

"No one really knows what happened to her after she returned to America," said Associated Press reporter Ramon Garcia. "It's like she just vanished off the face of the planet."

Prior to entering the news due to her imprisonment for carrying marijuana through a Russian airport, Ms. Griner was known only by a few friends and neighbors in Phoenix. "I just remembered she was really tall," said neighbor Amy Jones. "She sometimes wore a jersey - I think she may have been part of a city softball team. Other than that, I never really knew anything about her until the whole Russia incident."

After being released through a prisoner swap, Ms. Griner stated that she planned to return to the WNBA. "Literally no one has seen her since," said negotiator Don Cummings, who helped arrange her release. "I know she wanted to have a quiet life doing whatever it is she does, but I didn't expect her to go completely dark. I just hope she's happy, wherever she is."

At publishing time, Ms. Griner's former prison basketball team back in Russia had suffered an embarrassing defeat as the 'Merchant of Death' went 0-12 from the floor.


IRS agents slide down chimneys looking for gifts of $600 or more

irs agents 600 gifts datire
© The Babylon Bee
IRS agents kicked off a new holiday tradition this week as they began nationwide canvassing of taxpayers' homes, sliding down their chimneys in search of undeclared gifts worth $600 or more.

Terrence Poole, Special Agent in Charge of Joy-Quashing, explained the agency's actions, saying, "We understand that people get caught up in the spirit of the season and all that. But we want to be a constant reminder that celebrating the birth of the Savior of the universe is not more important than giving an account to the government for every single thing you have."

The Jackson family of Muncie were initially surprised to find the black-suited agents pouring out of their chimney and ripping open their presents, but became cooperative after father Ben Jackson was given an explanation and a brief sleeper hold. "Yeah, I guess it's our patriotic duty or something," said Mr. Jackson after regaining consciousness.

Agents will be searching homes during the entire holiday season. Agent Poole continued, "We'll usually be entering through the chimney. For homes that don't have a chimney, we'll either be sending a magic elf through the keyhole or else using an armored personnel carrier equipped with a battering ram to breach a convenient wall. Yeah, one of those. Probably the second one."

Asked if the agents had faced any difficulties with their searches so far, Agent Poole said, "It was a little embarrassing one time when we ended up in Sam Bankman-Fried's house. We just apologized and backed out slowly. I'm sure he's got nothing important to declare."


Restraining order issued against reporter who asked Karine Jean-Pierre a question

Karine Jean-Pierre Peter Doocy

Peter Doocy and Karine Jean-Pierre
Fox News Correspondent Peter Doocy has been issued a restraining order after he asked a question of Karine Jean-Pierre in today's press conference.

"Peter, really? Is that a question? Really, Peter? That's really uncalled for Peter," scolded the first gay black Press Secretary. "You should frankly know better than that. You are being rude to the rest of the people in this room who are here to do their jobs of handing me pre-screened softballs which I then hit out of the park with the killer lines in this binder someone gave me."

Doocy was then dragged out of the room by security as the other journalists chanted "SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!"

According to sources, the restraining order forbids the reporter from coming within 1000 feet of the White House and will be in place for a period of 1 million days.

"Once he shows us he can follow the rules and wait for 1 million days, we will let him back," said Jean-Pierre. She then gave an exasperated "sigh" and shook her head.

At publishing time, Doocy had been arrested after attempting to crawl into the HVAC system of the building.

Comment: Apparently asking about the #TwitterFiles was the last straw. Mediaite has the details:
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre cut Fox News White House Correspondent Peter Doocy off while he was still trying to get out his question about the Matt Taibbi "Twitter Files" information dump on the handling of the Hunter Biden laptop story.


At Thursday's White House briefing, Doocy referred to an exchange from the previous day in which Jean-Pierre blew off a question from Fox News White House Correspondent Jacqui Heinrich on that very subject by citing The Hatch Act.

"I can't speak to decisions made by — by the campaign from here. That is not — it is a political campaign, so I can't speak from that from here — to that from here. I'm covered by the Hatch Act," Jean-Pierre told Heinrich yesterday.
PETER DOOCY: Just one other topic. You've said a few times that you really can't talk about communications between the Biden campaign and Twitter. Who is telling you that that's off-limits?

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: I've already had that conversation with you, with your colleague, I believe, yesterday. I've already addressed this multiple times this week, so I don't have anything more to add. Again, I've, I've we've litigated this all. Don't have anything to add.

PETER DOOCY: So not a campaign question, an administration...

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: I'm going to the back! I'm going to the back! I'm going to the back! Go ahead.


NYT writers go on strike: Disinformation drops 92%

New York times front page
© The Babylon Bee
Researchers are reporting that disinformation on Twitter, Facebook, and mainstream news sources is already down by 92% in the wake of a 24-hour writer's strike at the New York Times.

"We always wondered where all this harmful disinformation was coming from," said Darryl Ball, a researcher with the Center for Combatting Bad Things Online. "Turns out, it was all coming from those knuckleheads at the Times. Who knew?"

Several studies indicate the country has seen a sharp decrease in hate speech, foreign propaganda, and shockingly dumb hot takes since the entire writing staff walked out of the building in New York City, which experts believe could lead to an outbreak of peace and harmony across the nation.

"All this time, the threat to democracy was us all along!" said NYT Union Boss Fuggs Crullers to reporters from other news organizations not on strike. "We have begun negotiations with leadership to pay us more money to never come back to work in hopes of saving America."

At publishing time, all other news outlets around the country reported feeling "lost" as they were so used to just copying and pasting from the New York Times each morning.


138,000 kids suddenly added to Santa's 'nice list' in middle of night

nice kids vote dump santa satire
© The Babylon Bee
Whispers of vote rigging were heard among rank-and-file elves excluded from the tabulating room
Santa Claus's nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop.

But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list.

After sorting kids according to their niceness or naughtiness for hours, Santa had abruptly stopped counting and gone to bed, saying he was tired and taking a break for the night, even though he is magical and does not need to sleep.

A team of unsupervised elves reportedly continued the counting against North Pole guidelines, and around 3 a.m. there was a sudden dump of over 138,000 kids put on the nice list. The software also switched kids over from the naughty to the nice list at random.

Big Tech companies quickly fact-checked the claim, assuring parents and children that the sudden jump of hundreds of thousands of kids added to the nice list is a normal part of kid sorting and that Santa's methods are trustworthy and reliable.

Bad Guys

Elon Musk: worse than Hitler

emperor musk
© Taylor Hill/Getty Images
It is no exaggeration to say that Elon Musk's annexation of Twitter is the most terrifying development in recent history. Only a fascist would seek to impose free speech on humanity.

This is why there has been such a chorus of execration from left-wing commentators, celebrities and influencers. On the day that Musk seized control of Twitter, Washington Post columnist Taylor Lorenz noted that it was "like the gates of hell opened on this site tonight". Charlie Warzel in The Atlantic wrote that there was "an apocalyptic feel to the ordeal".

But it was the Independent that really grasped the full gravity of this moment. Its headline read — "RIP Twitter, 2006-2022: Dead at the Hands of Elon Musk". It is a testament to the cool-headed stoicism of left-wing journalists that they have managed not to overreact.


New Elf On The Shelf will be scanning your social media account to see if you misgendered anyone

elf on shelf cell phone christmas
© The Babylon Bee
A spokesman for Santa's Workshop today announced the organization's latest advance in their ongoing efforts to determine who's naughty and who's nice: an Elf on the Shelf with the ability to hack into and review social media accounts for examples of misgendering and other hate speech.

Gilford McTwinklebottom, Director of Research and Development for Naughtiness Surveillance, told gathered reporters, "Our new Elf represents the cutting edge of naughty detection technology. Our scientists were able to combine normal elf DNA with a strain of highly volatile DNA that we were able to obtain from Taylor Lorenz. We then combined that with the same technology that shows you a bunch of Metamucil ads on your Instagram feed whenever you say you have to go to the bathroom. The result is the perfect Elf on the Shelf, and something that is not at all creepy to have in your house watching you all the time."

Developers say the new E.O.T.S. will spend days observing normal naughty behavior, like tantrums or hiding in the pantry while you eat brownies and drink wine. But at night, the elf will use its advanced capabilities to review all household social media accounts to make sure that everyone acknowledges that "Trans! People! Are! People!" and that there are no suspicious likes or shares of Elon Musk, Tulsi Gabbard, or that pillow guy.

"Just be good, for goodness sake!" continued Mr. McTwinklebottom. "As long as everyone behaves, you'll never find yourself on the FBI's naughty list. Did I say FBI? I meant Santa! Santa's naughty list! Whoops! Ha ha!"

Mr. Twinklebottom then announced he was leaving Santa's Workshop to manage the App Store for Apple.