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Mr. Potato

Biden calls for the president to step down

Biden confused
After the shock of a Special Counsel report that characterized the President as mentally incompetent to stand trial, Biden has joined the growing chorus of voices in calling for the President to step down. "President Hoover needs to do the right thing. He's in over his head. Can't even do his job right," said Biden to the nurse administering him his daily medications. "Eisenhower is an honorable man, and he needs to do the honorable thing. I was speaking with Emperor Hirohito about it just last Saturwednesday. Blamflibbernuzzit!" At publishing time, Republicans had drafted a resolution in support of the President's call for the President to step down.

Mr. Potato

Journalists confused by journalist doing journalism

tucker carlson moscow satire
© CopyrightEmergency counselling sessions are currently being scheduled in major newsrooms .
Journalists across the country expressed a combination of outrage and confusion after a video surfaced online of a journalist doing journalism.

According to sources, the video, posted on social media platform X, shows known journalist Tucker Carlson wilfully and recklessly engaging in actual journalism without any regard for the damage that may be caused by such a wanton display.

"We're not sure what this guy thinks he's doing," said one New York Times columnist who asked to remain anonymous. "He's out here investigating and searching for the truth and interviewing world leaders on important geopolitical topics. Wild, unrestrained journalism. It's dangerous, really. Digging for information and conducting interviews and just... reporting what he's learned and putting it out there for people to see it? Are you serious?!"

With Carlson's much-anticipated interview with Russian President Vladimir Putin soon to be released to the public, mainstream journalists prepared for the worst. "I wouldn't even know what to do in that situation," said one CNN correspondent under the condition of anonymity. "Look, I'm a journalist, but at no point would I ever entertain the notion of, you know... doing journalism. That's beyond the pale. I don't think anyone could predict the consequences of doing such a thing. This Tucker guy is insane."

At publishing time, journalists throughout the media industry were sheltering in place in preparation for the Putin interview, unsure if the world as they knew it would even exist the following day after a journalist threw caution to the wind and did journalism.

Smiley

Daily Mail struggling to link Meghan Markle to King Charles' cancer

Daily Mail Staff
© Waterford Whispers News
"I'M NOT sure anyone will believe the voodoo angle, Jane, but it's great you guys are thinking outside the box," Daily Mail editor Jeremy Waynes told his team at a crisis meeting held this afternoon in Daily Mail HQ.

The 'all-hands-on-deck' meeting was called after Britain's most revered tabloid's struggled to find a link between King Charles's recent cancer diagnosis and public enemy number one, Meghan Markle.

"The stress angle is too broad, guys, we need to pinpoint this right on her smug little American head," Waynes elaborated once again, getting annoyed now that there isn't really much to connect the two, as though Markle was winning this one. "Okay people, all I know is she's out there laughing at us now and hoping that Harry will take the thrown somehow".

Smiley

Joe Biden sees shadow, attempts to shake its hand

joe biden groundhog day
Organizers of the Presidential Groundhog Day Celebration report President Biden did, in fact, see his shadow after emerging from the West Wing late Tuesday Morning and immediately attempted to shake its hand.

"Hey lookathat," Biden commented to no one in particular. "It's old Bill whatshisname. C'mere Bill, let me shake your hand. Where'd you go, Bill?"

White House staff spent the better part of the morning trying to corral the President back indoors after photographers caught Biden chasing his own shadow around the historic Rose Garden with his arm awkwardly outstretched. At one point, Jill Biden grabbed her husband by the arm and escorted him away from the front gates.

"The President was definitely not trying to shake the hand of his shadow," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre commented. "He was just getting a little morning exercise like all the young, energetic, totally alive presidents before him have done. He would never mistake his own shadow for say, an old college roommate. That's a vicious right-wing lie."

As of publishing time, Biden had predicted another 6 weeks of 'winterburgenphdtughergh' before heading inside for a five-hour nap.

Smiley

Joe Biden proclaims 'Black history is just as important as normal people history'

joe biden confused
President Biden expressed his support for African American history at a kick-off celebration for Black History Month by telling those gathered he believes black history is just as important as normal people history.

"In this Black History Month, I would like to wish a very happy anniversary to all black people. Black history is important. It's just as important as normal history, if not more important," Biden said. "Blacks are just as good as normals. I've always said that since my black son died in Vietnam. Not a joke. Well, anyway..."

Biden then entertained the crowd by telling them about when he single-handedly started the civil rights movement and how he remembers fondly all the poor kids he helped get out of poverty who went on to become just as bright as their normal counterparts.

"Black history is all of our history," Biden said. "Well, I guess it's not the history of the Mexicans because they get a month too. And the 7-Eleven employees, they also get a month. But it's the history of America, and it's just as important as the history of the normal people of our country."

As of publishing time, Biden was seen wandering around the event stage in an attempt to find the exit before yelling out to the crowd that he felt tired and needed to find a good soft place to take an afternoon nap.

Smiley

Biden cleverly distracts from Texas civil war by starting world war

joe Biden
Joe Biden
As tensions between the federal government and 25 red states over securing the border continued to stoke fears of another Civil War, President Biden cleverly distracted a concerned American public by announcing the start of a new World War.

"It's time to bomb Iran!" said the President to a bowl of melted ice cream on his nightstand. "Those whipper-snappers have been living on borrowed time ever since they chased me and the boys around the pool with switchblades. And if that doesn't do the trick, we'll bomb Russia and China as well. Not a joke!"

Many critics who overheard the conversation questioned the wisdom of such a move, but some in the Republican Party applauded the President's firm stance. "Did someone say 'bomb Iran?'" said Senator Lindsey Graham. "Ooooh baby, I usually wait until the third date for that kind of talk! Is it hot in here?"

Former National Security Advisor John Bolton also applauded the move. "There's nothing I love more than waking up in the morning to the news that we're bombing someone," he said over a breakfast of raw fish being tossed directly into his mouth. He then clapped and grunted loudly.

Experts predict that a Biden World War with a nuclear Iran might take the public's minds off Civil War for at least a couple of weeks. After that, the administration may be forced to activate Taylor Swift.

Smiley

Texas plants razor wire around the Alamo for final stand against Biden

alamo razorwire white house satire
© The Babylon Bee
With the Biden administration challenging Texas' right to defend its own border, Governor Abbott has ordered razor wire placed around The Alamo in preparation for a final stand against the feds.

"This is why we remember The Alamo," said Governor Abbott as the wire was unrolled. "Because you never know when a senile President will refuse to allow us to defend our border from invasion. Also, because it's a really handy marker if you get lost in downtown San Antonio. The Riverwalk gets so confusing."

Though some questioned Governor Abbott placing The Alamo at the heart of his defenses, Texas has rallied around the governor's plan. "Sure, the Alamo fell once," admitted local woman Mandy Timmons. "But Davy Crockett didn't have razor wire, or a massive, heavily-armed citizenry. I like our chances."

According to surveys, Texans have for decades now been praying for something to finally trigger secession. "Pretty much every Texan wants to secede, we just needed a reason," explained local man Raul Gonzales. "It always seemed like secession would be such a hassle, what with all the paperwork. I'm so glad we finally got the little nudge we needed."

At publishing time, dozens of Texans had reported that the ghost of Davy Crockett had been seen lurking on The Alamo walls at night, watching the horizon.

Pumpkin

Nikki Haley sweeps Dixville Notch's primary, winning all SIX votes!

nikki haley new hampshire
© Robert F. Butaky, APRepublican presidential candidate former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley speaks at a town hall campaign event in Manchester, New Hampshire.
The six registered voters of tiny Dixville Notch in New Hampshire all cast their ballots for Nikki Haley at midnight on Tuesday, giving her a clean sweep over former President Donald Trump and all the other candidates.

The resort town was the first place in the nation to vote in the 2024 primaries. The voters were outnumbered more than 10-to-1 by reporters from every corner of the globe — not to mention by a pile of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

Dixville Notch has a tradition of first-in-the-nation voting that dates back to 1960, with the results announced just a few minutes after midnight.

Smiley

Jan 6th pipe bombs revealed to have sticker reading 'please return to FBI'

pipe bomb fbi satire
© The Babylon Bee
After three years and countless hours of investigation, the mystery of the pipe bombs found on January 6th has been solved after a sticker was found on the pipe saying "Please Return To FBI".

New suspicions emerged about the bombs' origin after video surfaced of police waiting for approximately sixty seconds to respond to reports of a suspicious pipe by a bench. "As soon as I saw police not immediately sprinting towards a strange pipe, I was suspicious," said journalist Benjamin Royce. "Usually, police run as fast as possible towards pipes and bombs. Their delay could only be explained by the police already knowing the pipe was a bomb, that the bomb was a dud, and that it was planted by the FBI as a false flag operation. At last, the discovery of the 'Return To FBI' sticker has proved all of our suspicions true."

Embarrassed FBI officials admitted that after three years of deception, their ruse had been discovered. "How did we miss that sticker?" cried FBI agent John Rogers, slapping himself on the forehead. "We spent so much time doing nine hundred interviews to make it look like we were investigating the pipe bombs, only to forget that darn sticker. What chumps we are!"

At publishing time, the FBI had sent its shamefully inept false-flag team to false-flag planting remedial school.

Smiley

New film adaptation of '1984' to feature Big Brother as the good guy

satire film 1984 adaptation
© The Babylon Bee
At a press conference this week, Sony producers announced the production of a new modern adaptation of George Orwell's dystopic novel 1984 that will feature the character of Big Brother as the good guy.

"We felt like it was time to update the story to fit a modern audience," Sony producer Glen Maxwell told reporters. "After seeing how censorship and totalitarianism have grown in popularity over the past few years, we think Big Brother is probably a better protagonist than Winston Smith. Big Brother's insistence on absolute compliance fits better with current progressive ideals."

The film will feature a sympathetic Big Brother working with the state to better the lives of millions by implementing strict adherence to DEI policies, CRT teachings in schools, and CDC guidelines throughout society.

"After seeing how much people craved rules and control during the Covid pandemic, we decided it wouldn't accurately depict what society looks like right now to have a protagonist who goes against the state narrative," Maxwell commented. "I mean, we didn't have to do much with the script, we just used a bunch of Anthony Fauci quotes from the past few years and filled in the blanks. 'I am the science.' Pure Big Brother gold!"

The film is set to release next year and will star Mark Ruffalo, with a supporting cast including George Takei and Susan Sarandon, and will be directed by Rob Reiner.