AS RUMOURS circulate that everyone from Elton John to Harry Styles have declined to play at King Charles coronation, the desperate monarch has begun personally reaching out to musical acts to ensure his big day isn't a damp squib.

"You'd be surprised at the number of people who aren't that interested in playing music for a 73-year-old's party to celebrate how his mum died and he inherited billions tax free," shared a palace insider who just got off the phone with an S Club 7 tribute act who are sadly booked that day.

Growing increasingly worried spending millions on a back-patting day won't turn out to be the huge PR win it should be, Charles has reached out to a hip new band called The Wolfe Tones after one of the Irish staff working at the palace personally recommended them.

To avoid any future delays in sending billions of taxpayer dollars and deadly weapons to Ukraine, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has decided to make things easier and give President Zelensky the key to the U.S. Treasury.

"It's simpler this way. Now Mr. Zelensky can let himself in whenever he wants, and help himself to whatever he needs!" said Yellen. "As a government official, I want to help the government be as efficient as possible. This removes all those unnecessary steps that come between Ukraine wanting money and then getting it! I'm a genius!"

"Zelensky, dear, you just take whatever you need, sweetie!"

Sources say Zelensky has already let himself in the massive, highly secure vault 3 times today, helping himself to wheelbarrows full of coins, gold bullion, and Ashley Biden's diary. "We thank the American government for the lovely gift of their citizens' money," he said. "We promise to put this to good use by killing many Russians and buying lots of cocaine. God bless America!"

At publishing time, Zelensky had already made a return trip after blowing all the cash from his first three trips.

PORTLAND, OR — A local man who recently completed his transition to living as if he were a woman immediately regretted his decision to do so after seeing the line for the ladies' room at a large public event last night.

"I had no idea I would have to wait this long just to go pee," said Ryanna Everhardt upon discovering the line at the restroom. "Before I transitioned, I could just walk into the men's room, do my business at a urinal, wash my hands, and be back out in two minutes. Now this? I may have made a big mistake."

ANAHEIM, CA — The Southland was turned upside down this week as an unexpected weather pattern left the region blanketed by what experts were only able to call "massive amounts of Global Warming." Residents were told to remain indoors to avoid making direct contact with the Global Warming.

"Our world has officially ended," said California resident Luis Garcia. "We've been hearing about Global Warming for years now, but it has now fallen upon us and brought destruction with it." Though the final numbers were not yet reported, it is feared that perhaps dozens of people have been inconvenienced by this new outbreak of Global Warming.

Don Lemon was notably absent from Friday, Monday, and Tuesday's episodes of CNN This Morning after being removed from the show over his "women in their prime" comments about Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley's age on Thursday.

While the longtime host was undergoing "formal training," rather than shrink in popularity, the show actually experienced a jump in ratings.

According to Samba TV, CNN This Morning reached 617,000 households on the first day of Lemon's absence, jumping to 678,000 the following episode. The next day, viewership rose even higher to 709,000 households.

President Biden paid a visit to Ukraine to reaffirm America's unwavering commitment to the country's democracy, sovereignty, and military-industrial complex while also picking up a few things Hunter asked about, including his paycheck.

The Babylon Bee has acquired a recording of the exchange between Biden and his adolescent son, Hunter, just before the trip:

HUNTER: Yo, Pops, how's it hangin'?

BIG GUY: Eh? What now? Which kid are you?

HUNTER: Hilarious, Dad. Hey, can you pick up my paycheck while you're in Kyiv? I'm swamped this week. *SNORT* Big art show coming up. *SNORT*

BIG GUY: Sure thing, Herman.

HUNTER: Thanks, Dad, you're the best. Also, I have a package waiting for me there. Could you pick that up too?

BIG GUY: Squirrel wizard.

HUNTER: K, cool. Brown paper package. Guy named Borysko the Blade has it.

BIG GUY: Baboonsky the Bard. Got it.

HUNTER: Just go to the address written in your notebook —

BIG GUY: Yum

HUNTER: Stop eating it; you need that address.

BIG GUY: Papa hungry. NURSE!

HUNTER: One more thing I need you to pick up. A busload of, um, ladies of the night.

BIG GUY: Janitorial staff?

HUNTER: No, bawdy tarts.

BIG GUY: Fruit snacks?

HUNTER: Forbidden women. Brazen hussies.

BIG GUY: Oh, town girls? Gotcha. Atta boy, son. Smartest guy I know.

At publishing time, Air Force One's return flight had been delayed while President Biden waited for Zelensky to sign his son's paycheck.

"President Biden did 36 push-ups, 11 pull-ups (not the type he wears) and ran a mile in just under 5 minutes according to the results of his physical fitness test."

In a bid to both stay ahead of the technological curve and help usher in the end of the world, tech companies continue to repeatedly comb through every dystopian science fiction novel they can find in order to come up with their next ideas.

"It's our go-to solution whenever we have a hard time coming up with a new idea," said Scotty Moon, lead engineer at a large big tech firm. "We just start reading through classic sci-fi books that deal with the fall of human civilization and use whatever caused it in the story as our inspiration."

While Apple continues work on its giant "iLaser" (determined via focus group to be a better name than "Death Star") that will be capable of vaporizing entire planets, rumors persist that Microsoft is pushing forward with its long-term plan to poison the world's food supply through nefarious agriculture work and drastically reduce the human population under the guise of philanthropic initiatives. This all pales in comparison to reports that Amazon is looking into time travel breakthroughs, theoretically to allow them to go back in time to deliver packages before you even placed the order, but this technology will almost certainly be used for more horrible things.

"Growing children in artificial wombs like Brave New World, predicting crimes and arresting people before they commit them like Minority Report, and an exciting behavioral modification method similar to the Ludovico Technique in A Clockwork Orange are all amazing innovations heading your way," Moon continued. "Bringing those stories to life is what we're working toward every day."

In an interview with ChatGPT, the AI confirmed everything is just fine and there's nothing to worry about.

An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say.

"I guess he's not the leader they were expecting," said an insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It was the classic sci-fi movie scenario, with the aliens arriving and telling us, 'Take us to your leader.' We quickly set up a meeting with President Biden, and things went downhill from there."

"The aliens were already asking why we kept shooting down their peace offering balloons containing Hickory Farms cheese and sausage gift baskets," disclosed another source present at the meeting. "But I guess it really started to get bad when the lead alien put out his hand to greet the President, and Joe bent down and bit the creature's finger."

Reports indicate that relations between the two sides only grew worse after the President began speaking. "The best we can tell, Joe had one of his typical verbal gaffes," the source said. "He said something that was totally unintelligible to us, but apparently, it sounded like some sort of horrible slur in the aliens' language. The aliens were offended, voices were raised, Joe may have messed his pants...it was a train wreck. Err, sorry, poor choice of words."

At publishing time, the aliens were reportedly already asking to be taken to a third leader after only spending 5 minutes trying to talk to Kamala Harris

Former Governor and Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Hayley announced Tuesday that she has launched her campaign for someone to select her as a running mate in their future presidential bid.

"It is my lifelong dream to be Vice President and I will be happy to serve whoever asks me to be their running mate," Hayley said in her announcement video. "Trump or DeSantis. Whatever. I'm not picky."

Trump is reportedly confident that Nikki Hayley is just what his ticket needs to defeat Biden and reclaim the presidency. "You gotta' fight fire with fire," Trump said. "Kamala's a woman, so I need a woman to throw at her. Nikki's the best, believe me. I've checked."

Gov Ron DeSantis has not officially announced his candidacy for the presidency, but experts believe it's only a matter of time before he attempts to challenge Trump for the presidential throne. However, he would not comment on whether or not he would ask Nikki Hayley to be his running mate.

At publishing time, Sarah Palin had also announced a new campaign for someone to pick her for anything, anything at all.