false emergency alert Hawaii
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Thousands of Hawaiians eased their anxieties by watching porn just moments after a ballistic missile alert last Saturday turned out to be a false alarm, Pornhub traffic data has revealed.

Most Hawaiians predictably abandoned their porn to save their lives from an imminent ballistic threat, Pornhub, the largest pornographic video sharing website, revealed Wednesday. Within fifteen minutes after the Islanders received the emergency alert reading: "BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL," traffic to Pornhub dropped dramatically.


Comment: 'This is not a drill': 'Mistake' puts Hawaii on alert over ballistic missile threat


Traffic plunged some 77 percent from its usual numbers. Either the remaining 23 percent were too hardcore to skip their Saturday porn fix, even in the face of incoming missiles, or they were in too much of a rush to hit pause. Or maybe they were all set for a good time in the comfort of their bunkers.

"Based on real-time, per-minute page-views, and compared to levels on the previous two Saturdays, our statisticians found a precipitous drop in traffic at 8:07am immediately after the warning was sent out. By 8:23am, traffic was a massive -77% below that of a typical Saturday," Pornhub said.

The need for porn surged right back up as soon as the all-clear signal came in at 8:45am, when authorities reassured Hawaiians that the original alert was, in fact, a false alarm. By 09:00am, there was a dramatic increase as people were online again to work off the tension.

"Traffic began to return to normal and Hawaiians collectively breathed a sigh of relief," Pornhub said. "Those seeking further relief headed back to Pornhub where page views surged +48% above typical levels at 9:01am."