Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
The popular Argentinian pontiff, who gained admirers with his more lenient views on gay partnership earlier this year, went on to state that there are some parts of the Bible that even he, as God's representative on Earth, has to admit are pretty out there.
Speaking at his daily pre-mass sermon, Pope Francis shocked listeners by reading passages from both Old and New Testaments while making googly eyes and circling one finger around his temple.
Citing key examples of Catholic dogma such as the immaculate conception and the resurrection of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ™ as being "metaphors, at best", the 266th pope began to giggle as he moved through chapter and verse of the Bible, angering some of the more senior Cardinals who were present.
"Pope Francis may not be feeling that well at the moment, is one possible suggestion as to why he is acting this way," said Cardinal Serge Aguila, one of the Pope's closest aides. "Otherwise there is no way he would be preaching that the Bible isn't 100% accurate. The Pope is a grown man, so why all of a sudden he has started to question the existence of talking snakes and pillars of fire and seas parting and zombie Jesus and the rest of it is beyond me".
"It's important for the Pope to get back on the same page as the 265 popes before him, and continue to stress just how powerful God is, and the punishment that awaits them if they stray from the word of God in the slightest. Otherwise, we'll all be out of a job".
Although the more lenient teachings of Pope Francis have brought many lapsed Catholics back to the flock, many cardinals believe that the church can do without those fair-weather Christians, providing the core group of faithful remain fearful of a God with a magic wand who created the world in 7 days.
Reader Comments
I honestly don't know if this is satire. Or if they actually managed to elect a Pope who's a 'closet atheist'.
But this story just keeps on getting better and better
"If a man does not remember himself, he is a taxi."
The first sin can now also be cancelled just a metaphor, as was adam and eve also metaphors. So no need for a jesus to save us, just another metaphor. No heaven no hell what bliss!
The wild bashing that went on in US Christian Fundamentalist circles over the movie Noah comes to mind.
"That's not biblical".
Well, if the only account you read is Genesis, that's your problem.
Somewhere back in the 3rd Century or so, when the Roman Empire adopted the beliefs, the book of Enoch was ripped out, along with a good many other books. So, you have a Bible that is incomplete.
And the problem has been persistent for nearly 2 thousand years, leading to much hatred and blood letting.
That's how you get people like Harold Camping making predictions based on geneaologies that are missing important details. And naturally, they fail.
I am willing to bet that the Vatican has archives that reveal much. Not all perished at Alexandria's Library.
They may even have the 3rd part of Plato's Critias/Timaeus, the story being conveniently fabricated that it was never written.
Yeah, Pope Francis, a lot of things make no sense once they are gutted into half-truths.