Outrage Over Preacher Who 'Cures' Cancer by Hitting People

sounds like he...

...found a medium to exercise his psychopathy out in the open!

The other morning

. . . as I walked past the row fir trees in my neighbour's front yard I saw leaned against one of the trees a tidily buckled, soft leather brief case that I took to be lost or forgotten as it was raining lightly and the case was certainly wet so it had been there a while.

Thinking there might be a way to identify the owner from the contents, I took it back into the house for a look.

I found no identifying items of any sort, and I looked carefully.

What I did find was what appeared to be the gig bag of a Jehovah's Witness Holy Roller, complete. I found a copy of the Bible, the indoctrinational questionnaire, giveaways, flash cards, pithy little greeting card sized posters, inspirationals for one's billfold; the lot.

Smiling to myself I packed everything back into the case and put back outside, in the rain, and went about my day's business.

I parked off-street that nite and the matter slipped my mind until the following nite when once again I parked in my usual spot on the street. The bag was still there . . .

More bemused than puzzled I took the bag back into the house.

So reading about the lunatic above, I'm thinking our erstwhile proselytizer got wind of the story and ditched the Holy Rolling gig, right in front of my house . . .

I still have the bag so if anybody knows who it might belong to please let me know :-)

===================

I don't imagine there'll be much comment on the article above so I'm going to hog a bunch of bandwidth and, a propos, post the story of John and Mary, an entertaining if credulous couple who door-to-door exhort us to step up and Kiss Hank's Ass with them because, after all, there a million dollars in it for you, once you leave town.

And giving credit where it is certainly due, thanks to Laura for including this somewhere in one of the early installments of The Wave, back 1999 - 2001 or so . . .

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank,
and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars;
and if you don't, He'll kick the sh*t out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.
Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what
He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until
you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money -and- He kicks the sh*t out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got
the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year,
and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "You haven't talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll give you the money if
you've never talked to anyone who actually got it?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll
get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just
find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.' "

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance?
And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the
sh*t of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight
from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass.
Other times we kiss Karl's ass and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few
times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank,
that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would
reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the
whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl

1) Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars
when you leave town.
2) Use alcohol in moderation.
3) Kick the sh*t out of people who aren't like you.
4) Eat right.
5) Hank dictated this list Himself.
6) The moon is made of green cheese.
7) Everything Hank says is right.
8) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9) Don't use alcohol.
10) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11) Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the sh*t out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is
Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the sh*t out of people just because
they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says: 'Everything Hank says is right.'
That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made up the whole thing."

John: "No way! Item 5 says: 'Hank dictated this list himself.'
Besides, item 2 says: 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item
4 says: 'Eat right,' and item 8 says: 'Wash your hands
after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those
things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But item 9 says: 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with
item 2: 'Use alcohol in moderation' and item 6 says: 'The moon
is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.
As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't
say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon
is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or
from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was
somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not
knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know
Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so,
and the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that
Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic,
no different from saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone
come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way.
Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.

John: (He's shouting.) "There's no need for such language!
Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up
in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this.
La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints, John catches her

John: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I
wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the sh*t out
of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss
Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

summed up in the last sentence

"Todd will attempt to cure them" - that is right. Not God, Todd. Funny too how the too names rhyme! If an attempt is needed then it is neither faith nor science, but just a man feeling around in the dark.