Satire: Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital
Sat, 18 Feb 2012 09:41 UTC
Born to Jack and Monica Crowley of Bellevue, NE, the child is reported to be healthy and happy and unaware that he'll one day violently subdue dozens of warring, radiation-scarred factions under a brutal regime of torture and forced fealty the likes of which the Gamma Quadrant wasteland has never seen.
According to Mr. Crowley, both mother and future mass-murdering tyrant are now resting at home and "doing great."
"I can't believe he's finally here, my beautiful baby boy," said the boy's elated mother who, in 12 years' time, will be ruthlessly gunned down before her son's eyes by Prism Syndicate mech-infantry fighting in the gruesome Mineral Wars that will leave the former United States utterly demolished. "I'm so happy."
"He's my little miracle," she added, holding the sleeping infant who will be imprisoned by Syndicate authorities as an agitator and undergo horrific neural and musculoskeletal experimentation, leaving him mechanically enhanced but still pained by the all-too-human memories of loss that will forever haunt him.
According to the proud parents, their baby was born with a thick head of dark hair and "sure is hungry for a tiny fellow." The small child also will live to witness civil society collapse into murderous chaos over access to scarce sources of uncontaminated food and water, and will emerge from the bloody mayhem a feared and pitiless warrior-god.
Additionally, the child is said to have his mother's eyes.
"We had a couple names in mind, but when we saw him we just knew he was Landon - it just seems to fit," said the father of the boy who will one day be known to all soldiers in the anti-Syndicate rebellion simply as The Overseer, a man as renowned for his innate power of mind and body as for his singular lack of pity. "Now we finally feel like a real family."
"It took a little while because the little guy just didn't want to come out - he's two weeks overdue," added Mr. Crowley, oblivious that his child will slaughter thousands to impose his rule over the lawless hordes of Quadrant Gamma, Quadrant Epsilon, and the inhumanly barbarous Sioux City metro area. "I guess he must be a little shy."
To celebrate the birth, the Crowley family hosted a gathering Saturday for friends and loved ones, most of whose scorched corpses will litter the area in two decades' time, eventually being processed into much-needed nutrients and carbon fuel by forces loyal to the child. Attendees were reportedly treated to cigars and a baby blue cake bearing Landon's name.
"Aw, what a handsome little man," said grandmother Elaine Wojcik, cooing at the baby who, in 2038, will cement his sole supremacy over the gathered masses by gutting his most bitter rival while standing atop the fire-blackened hull of the Mutual of Omaha Building, screaming loudly and draping himself in entrails. "He's such a cutie."
"And just look at those itty-bitty toesies," added Wojcik, who will mercifully be incinerated alive by the collapsing U.S. government's Population Control Brigades in just 10 years and never have to see the unfeeling monster her grandchild will become. "They're just so cute you want to eat them right up."
Friends and family reportedly congratulated the happy couple on a beautiful, healthy first-born child, and took turns holding the infant who, despite his authority over nearly one-twentieth of North America, will secretly wish he had died alongside his parents so as to be spared the bleak and hyper-violent future that follows.
The Crowleys expressed profound gratitude for their son, calling the soon-to-be despot of the war-blackened hellscape "the greatest gift we've ever received."
"He's our little angel," said his mother, whose corpse the warlord will disinter and fruitlessly attempt to reanimate with cybernetic technology in a desperate effort to reconnect with his youth, revealing the only shred of humanity left in his otherwise cold and pitiless heart. "We're just so blessed to have him."
"Boy, he sure is fussy, though!" she added. "But that's probably just a phase."
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