As we near the end of another political campaign season, I'd like to propose nine simple rules for the next time:

- Rule 1: Anyone who wants to run for public office will be automatically disqualified from doing so. The existing process has simply grown too absurd for anyone of sound judgment to participate.

- Rule 2: Henceforth, the jury-duty model will be employed for picking candidates: 12 registered voters, chosen by lottery, will run for office. The 12 will be sent to an island and, as on Survivor, face challenges, form alliances and vote one another out until two remain. Those two will promptly be disqualified for being too ambitious to be worthy of the public trust. (See Rule 1)

The third- and fourth-place finishers will be declared the candidates, running against each other for the office.

- Rule 3: No campaign commercial can be shorter than five minutes. That might sound counterintuitive to the goal of making campaigns less irksome, but consider this: A 30-second commercial is one thing, but sensible candidates wouldn't risk alienating voters by interrupting Glee for five full minutes. Those who would risk it have an inflated sense of their own importance that makes them unfit for office. (See Rule 1)

- Rule 4: Candidates who appear in campaign commercials wearing hard hats and safety glasses must, if elected, wear those items at all times in public for the next four years. Candidates who appear in ads with their children must bring those children to the office every day for the next four years.

- Rule 5: When a campaign has become insufferable, the people can end it by calling for the election immediately. (The John Kasich-Ted Strickland race for governor would have been over in four days.)

- Rule 6: In a two-person race, the voters will be given three options: Candidate A, Candidate B and You Should Both Be Ashamed Of Yourselves.

- Rule 7: Any person, corporation or shadowy network of anonymous donors can contribute to a political campaign without restriction. But that same person, corporation or shadowy network of anonymous donors must contribute an equal amount to something that does some good for society.

- Rule 8: Every promise to improve the economy must be accompanied by a spreadsheet offering specifics. If the spreadsheet lacks sufficient detail, the candidate will be stricken from the ballot for pretending he has the ability to control the economy. If the spreadsheet is too detailed, the candidate will be stricken from the ballot for believing he has the ability to control the economy.

- Rule 9: Never forget Rule 1.