https://www.sott.net/category/15-Dont-Panic-Lighten-Up Signs of the Times: The World for People who Think. Featuring independent, unbiased, alternative news and commentary on world events. en-us Original content Copyright 2026 by Signs of the Times/Sott.net. For other content, see our Fair Use Policy at www.sott.net. Sun, 08 Mar 2026 09:39:49 +0000 https://www.sott.net/images/sottlogo_rss.jpg SOTT.net https://www.sott.net https://www.sott.net/article/505048-A-closer-look-on-the-climate-sinner-Keith-the-goat Let's check in on Keith, whose methane output is contributing to the collapse of the global climate. 6:00am - Keith woke up in a field in Devon. The field is on a 30-degree slope with clay soil and drainage that has defeated two generations of agricultural consultants. Keith eats the bramble, thistle, dock, and rush. These are the things no other animal on this farm will eat. These are also the invasive scrub species that would otherwise compromise the field's productivity. Keith is not thinking about this. Keith is thinking about the north section of bramble he didn't finish yesterday. https://www.sott.net/article/505048-A-closer-look-on-the-climate-sinner-Keith-the-goat Sun, 08 Mar 2026 09:35:45 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/504955-Barron-reveals-devastating-diagnosis-Debilitating-hereditary-bone-spurs WHITE HOUSE DOCTORS have shared the devastating news that Barron Trump has Early Onset Hereditary Bone Spurs Syndrome which would tragically prevent him from serving in any military conflict in the event of a military draft being reintroduced, WWN can confirm. The news of Barron's EOHBSS, which is characterised by flaring up at times of active wars, was first shared by the president's son in a WhatsApp group with college friends who luckily don't suffer from the condition due to not being a blood relative to the US president or anyone serving in his cabinet. "The good news is we caught it early, Barron will look to an outsider with no medical expertise like someone who doesn't have an excuse not to be drafted if and when the need should arise, but he most definitely is crippled beyond belief, in that way only bone spurs can cripple you; by leaving him with no issues and perfectly able to walk," confirmed White House physician Dr. Sean Barbabella. The news has utterly devastated his... https://www.sott.net/article/504955-Barron-reveals-devastating-diagnosis-Debilitating-hereditary-bone-spurs Tue, 03 Mar 2026 18:43:57 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/504553-2-feet-of-snow-blocks-Ipswich-residents-driveway Suffolk police have launched a cautious inquiry following the overnight appearance of a pair of anatomically detailed, three-meter-long feet sculpted entirely from snow. The frozen appendages, discovered in a residential driveway, have left local authorities grappling with a case that is literally melting away. A Cold Case Officers were called to the scene at dawn after a homeowner reported two frozen feet obstructing their property. Preliminary measurements suggest the sculptures are roughly size 450 in standard UK footwear. "We are currently treating this as a non-suspicious but highly confusing incident," said a spokesperson for the Suffolk Constabulary. "While the artistry is undeniable—right down to the distinct toenail ridges—the sheer scale suggests either a prank of giant proportions or a very localized, very specific weather event." https://www.sott.net/article/504553-2-feet-of-snow-blocks-Ipswich-residents-driveway Tue, 10 Feb 2026 10:59:32 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/504534-Pit-Bull-Wins-Westminster-Dog-Show-After-Killing-All-The-Other-Contestants A new champion has been crowned in the Westminster Dog Show, with a pit bull named "Slayer" winning by default after killing all of the other contestants. The contest appeared to be narrowing down to the two favorites, a Pomeranian named "Alice" and a poodle named "Winston." However, both were mauled to death during the final showing, leaving Slayer to collect the cup. "Congratulations to Slayer and to his owner, Jethro Calhoun," said the dog show judge, Braxton Anderson. "It came down to the wire, but we can now confirm that the one other remaining contestant, the beagle 'Trixie,' no longer has a pulse. You have truly left the carcasses of the competition in your wake. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a champion!" The Westminster Dog Show started out with over 2,500 contestants, with the field being narrowed at preliminary events based on judges' scorecards and who Slayer hadn't yet killed. "The dogs are judged on structure, temperament, condition, and being alive," stated Anderson.... https://www.sott.net/article/504534-Pit-Bull-Wins-Westminster-Dog-Show-After-Killing-All-The-Other-Contestants Mon, 09 Feb 2026 19:10:47 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/504201-Trump-announces-new-round-of-tariffs-on-everyone-who-didnt-laugh-At-his-jokes-in-Davos DAVOS — One day after his speech that made headlines at a gathering of world leaders at the World Economic Forum, U.S. President Donald Trump announced a new round of tariffs on everyone who didn't laugh at his jokes. Sources close to the American delegation in Davos said that the president raged behind closed doors at leaders who had the gall to hold back laughter during his hilarious speech, vowing to raise tariffs to cripple their economies in retaliation. "I thought it was very rude and disrespectful," Trump told reporters before leaving. "None of the other speeches people gave were funny at all, quite frankly. They should be ashamed of their speeches. My speech was very funny. Probably the funniest speech ever given here at Davos, from what people are saying. It really was something. All of the smart people were laughing. The leaders who laughed will be rewarded, but the people who didn't laugh will pay a heavy price, believe me. America will remember." https://www.sott.net/article/504201-Trump-announces-new-round-of-tariffs-on-everyone-who-didnt-laugh-At-his-jokes-in-Davos Thu, 22 Jan 2026 17:18:05 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/504182-Brigitte-Macron-snapped-making-cut-throat-gesture-as-husband-asked-about-sunglasses "I WAS just telling him he's been working very hard all day and probably needs a rest," French First Lady Brigitte Macron said when asked by WWN about the frantic cut-throat gestures she appeared to make as journalists questioned why her husband was wearing sunglasses at the Davos summit. "Oh these sunglasses?" replied President Emmanuel Macron, delaying his answer while visibly exhausted from the busy schedule. "No, no, it's nothing at all. Just a bloodshot eye from being such a clumsy oaf. I'm always falling over, bumping my head, stabbing myself. I'm a proper klutz." https://www.sott.net/article/504182-Brigitte-Macron-snapped-making-cut-throat-gesture-as-husband-asked-about-sunglasses Wed, 21 Jan 2026 18:34:05 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/503448-The-earliest-known-customer-complaint-was-made-3800-years-ago-An-ancient-Babylonian-tablet-records-the-rant The site Fast Com­pa­ny pub­lished an arti­cle that describes the "Com­plaint Restraint project," an ini­tia­tive that aims to cre­ate a "pos­i­tive life by elim­i­nat­ing neg­a­tive state­ments." It's an admirable goal. Though most of us have a per­verse love of wal­low­ing in our misery — a human trait ampli­fied a thou­sand­fold by the internet — complaining rarely makes things any bet­ter. As in the Buddha's para­ble of the "sec­ond arrow," our grip­ing can make our suf­fer­ings dou­bly painful; as in the para­ble of the "poi­soned arrow," it can post­pone or sub­sti­tute for the con­struc­tive actions we need to take in order to heal or improve our con­di­tion. But it would be a mis­take to think that com­plain­ing is some­how a recent phe­nom­e­non, though we may hear more of it every day, all the time, from every quar­ter of the globe. The Bud­dhist arrow sto­ries are, after all, at least a cou­ple thou­sand years old; lamen­ta­tion more or less con­sti­tutes its own genre... https://www.sott.net/article/503448-The-earliest-known-customer-complaint-was-made-3800-years-ago-An-ancient-Babylonian-tablet-records-the-rant Fri, 12 Dec 2025 20:20:01 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/502887-New-Paper-Confirms-Climate-Change-is-Significantly-Increasing-the-Risk-of-an-Asteroid-Existential-Impact-by-2100 Will be Worse than the Dinosaur Killer 70 Million Years Ago Bitchard Blowhardy The New York Slimes A new paper from esteemed scientists has proved, through their computer models, that an expanding earth, due to climate change, has dramatically increased the odds of an extraterrestrial strike. As the world heats, it expands. It creates risk that increases exponential. Think of a shooting gallery whose pigeons are ever growing, or billiard where the object ball is expanding in front of your eyes. Big fish are easy to spear. A. Tomic, University of Really, Really Average Climate Science and Phrenology One of the foremost threats comes from a phenomena known as the Taurid meteor stream, named after its radiant point in the constellation Taurus. A cloud of fragments, likely originating from the breakup of comet Encke, their orbit around the sun crosses Earth's path twice a year. https://www.sott.net/article/502887-New-Paper-Confirms-Climate-Change-is-Significantly-Increasing-the-Risk-of-an-Asteroid-Existential-Impact-by-2100 Mon, 10 Nov 2025 22:08:01 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/502829-Average-age-of-first-time-buyer-now-92 A NEW CSO study has found that the average age of a first-time buyer in Ireland has risen to 92, up from the Celtic Tiger peak of 17 years old. The report found people will need to seriously look after their health if they expect to ever get on the property ladder, as saving enough for a deposit, paying a mortgage, and basically staying alive long enough to do both becomes increasingly difficult. "We're looking into cryogenic freezing," local couple Trish and David Williams told WWN. Now in their mid-forties, the pair believe science is their best shot at homeownership. "If Trish freezes herself now for twenty years, and then I freeze myself when she thaws, we might just make it." https://www.sott.net/article/502829-Average-age-of-first-time-buyer-now-92 Fri, 07 Nov 2025 17:44:05 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/502592-Cow-has-weird-dream-about-milking-farmer-again A MEMBER of a local dairy herd has awoken this morning with fresh thoughts of a recurring dream in which they find themselves milking their owner, dairy farmer Tim Hogan. "It was weird, it was this milking shed but it didn't look anything like it does, if that makes sense. Mad stuff, he had these full udders, I think the chickens were there too," explained the cow, known by the yellow ear tag number '43108', to her fellow milk producing bovines. "And I know some say your dreams are your deep unconscious desires brought to life and they're right, that prick needs to be milked dry," added 43108, who has produced 30 litres a day to farmer Hogan's total of zero litres of milk in exchange. https://www.sott.net/article/502592-Cow-has-weird-dream-about-milking-farmer-again Sun, 26 Oct 2025 18:24:33 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/502310-White-House-launches-Nobler-Peace-Prize THE WHITE HOUSE has confirmed that sitting US President Donald J. Trump is the first ever winner of a prestigious new world peace award called 'The Nobler Peace Prize'. Launched this morning in Washington DC, the prize has been described as 'the most noblest of peace prizes there is' and 'the best prize in the world' when it comes to peace, with the winner already announced just hours after it was created. "We cannot emphasise enough how noble this prize is, and who better to award it to than the leader responsible for stopping eight global conflicts in just ten short months in office," chairman of the new Nobler organisation Donald Trump Junior told reporters as a ten-foot gold peace trophy was wheeled in and presented to his visibly emotional father. https://www.sott.net/article/502310-White-House-launches-Nobler-Peace-Prize Sat, 11 Oct 2025 18:34:48 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/502228-Clown-world-Amazon-deletes-guns-from-every-single-James-Bond-film-poster Amazon Prime has excited spy movie fans by relaunching all James Bond's films, but fans have also noticed an odd thing about the poster Amazon is using to celebrate the actors who have starred in the franchise. All their guns are mysteriously missing. To hail the return of the 007 catalog of films, Amazon put out a graphic featuring a thumbnail image of every Bond film and the actor starring in them. But some fans noticed that there is something off about some of the photos. It turns out that a few of the photos originally showed the actor holding his trusty semi-automatic pistol or some other firearm in his hand, but in the Amazon poster, the guns have been removed from the image, leaving 007's hand posed in an odd position. Or in some cases, such as in the image for Spectre, Amazon just cropped the pistol out of the photo entirely. The next film in the decades-old franchise is currently set to be directed by Denis Villeneuve from a screenplay to be penned by Peaky Blinders... https://www.sott.net/article/502228-Clown-world-Amazon-deletes-guns-from-every-single-James-Bond-film-poster Mon, 06 Oct 2025 21:34:54 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/502032-Donald-Trump-replaces-Joe-Biden-White-House-portrait-with-picture-of-autopen The US President has taken another swipe at his predecessor, this time in the addition of a Presidential Walk of Fame at the White House. Donald Trump has added a "Presidential Walk of Fame" to the exterior of the White House, but used the opportunity to mock predecessor Joe Biden. In the latest attack on his presidential predecessor, Trump unveiled a wall featuring a timeline of images of former leaders, with Mr Biden's image replaced by an image of an autopen. The jibe is a reference to Mr Trump's claim that at the end of his presidency Mr Biden was not well enough to carry out his duties. https://www.sott.net/article/502032-Donald-Trump-replaces-Joe-Biden-White-House-portrait-with-picture-of-autopen Fri, 26 Sep 2025 20:34:07 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/501731-Thug-slug-Doorbell-prankster-that-tormented-residents-of-German-apartments-turned-out-to-be-a-gastropod Inhabitants of an apartment block in Bavaria, southern Germany, who called police to investigate the relentless buzzing of their doorbells late at night were surprised to find the culprit was not a teenage prankster as they had suspected, but a slug. The slug had been sliding up and down the bell plate, creating havoc in the building and tearing angry residents out of their beds long after midnight when they could not sleep for the noise. At first they had suspected the so-called klingelstreich (bell prank), a sometimes popular pastime among German youths. Ding dong ditch, knock-a-door run, or knock-down-ginger as it is variously referred to in English, it typically involves children or youths ringing on a doorbell then running away before they are caught. https://www.sott.net/article/501731-Thug-slug-Doorbell-prankster-that-tormented-residents-of-German-apartments-turned-out-to-be-a-gastropod Tue, 09 Sep 2025 20:51:25 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/501665-British-refugees-travel-to-North-Korea-in-search-of-freedom PYONGYANG — A group of oppressed people arrived in a new land in hopes of making a better life for themselves, as a boat filled with British refugees traveled to North Korea in search of freedom. Witnesses said that the poor, huddled mass of humanity emerged from the vessel battered and downtrodden, hoping to experience a new life of liberty by migrating to the less-totalitarian regime of Kim Jong Un's North Korea. "I already feel less oppressed," said Reginald Hardington, a native of London who set off for North Korea to create a better life for his family. "From what I've heard, if you're being assaulted in North Korea, you're allowed to defend yourself! Can you believe that? And hardly anyone gets stabbed here. What a great place to live!" https://www.sott.net/article/501665-British-refugees-travel-to-North-Korea-in-search-of-freedom Sat, 06 Sep 2025 18:52:24 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/501625-Man-who-made-clothes-you-cant-afford-dies GIORGIO ARMANI, famous the world over with people who have never been able to afford his extortionately priced clothes, has died aged 91. "Wow, he leaves quite the legacy," confirmed one member of the public who would be followed intensely by shop security were they to ever linger in one of the shops stocking the clothes that bare the name of the late Italian designer. "His creations were divine, what a loss," added another admirer, who after a period of intense saving was able to afford the cheap knock offs of one the handbags that carries the Armani logo but actually has no resemblance to any official product. https://www.sott.net/article/501625-Man-who-made-clothes-you-cant-afford-dies Thu, 04 Sep 2025 17:53:08 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/501019-Clumsy-eagle-gifts-man-with-biggest-bass-I-ever-caught Talk about a crazy fishing story. Often times when an angler reels in a fish, there's a story attached to it. Fishermen have to have plenty of "it was this big" and "the thing jumped this high out of the water" stories to tell to their friends, because isn't that what fishing is all about? You've got to have some sort of memorable anecdote to recount to one up your other fishing friend's story. This Lake Country, Wisconsin, man will forever have an easy one-upper story in his back pocket thanks to a wild incident that took place this past weekend. Albert Cutler was driving back from from church with his family on July 27 when they all witnessed something that will be story-worthy for years to come. What story will the Cutlers be able to cue up whenever they are in need of a fishing story? The sky was falling. https://www.sott.net/article/501019-Clumsy-eagle-gifts-man-with-biggest-bass-I-ever-caught Sun, 03 Aug 2025 19:44:07 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/500822-Oh-that-Epstein-Trump-thought-files-were-on-Beatles-manager-Brian-Epstein SLAPPING his forehead over his latest faux pas, US President Donal Trump said he thought the 'Epstein Files' mentioning his name was actually The Beatles manager, Brian Epstein, WWN reports. "I know Brian is a big fan of me and I assumed he was just chatting about my love of The Beatles in a podcast and I didn't really pay much attention to what Pam was saying as I was too busy making America great again," Trump explained at a White House presser earlier. Several journalists gently pointed out that Brian Epstein has been dead for 58 years, to which Trump replied: "You think he's dead. But is he? There's a lot of things you people don't know. Obama committed treason - did you know that? Didn't think so. Be careful what you believe." https://www.sott.net/article/500822-Oh-that-Epstein-Trump-thought-files-were-on-Beatles-manager-Brian-Epstein Thu, 24 Jul 2025 18:29:09 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/500702-America-finally-great-again-after-president-makes-soft-drink-use-different-ingredient SILENCING all of his critics, US President Donald J Trump sent shockwaves across the world after announcing Wednesday that he has allegedly convinced beverage giant Coca-Cola to use real cane sugar in its US production. Rarely one to show emotion, Mr Trump wiped away tears as he announced the news at a special emergency press conference at the White House today. "I have been speaking to Coca-Cola about using REAL Cane Sugar in Coke in the United States, and they have agreed to do so," the 79-year-old proudly announced as the press room applauded the move, already being compared by Fox News to moments like JKF announcing America's moon missions to Obama confirming the death of Bin Laden. https://www.sott.net/article/500702-America-finally-great-again-after-president-makes-soft-drink-use-different-ingredient Thu, 17 Jul 2025 21:01:09 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/500541-Furious-Newsom-wont-stand-silently-by-while-Trump-fixes-California As the federal government takes steps to attempt to solve a myriad of problems facing the Golden State, a furious Governor Gavin Newsom told reporters he won't stand silently by while Trump fixes California. While the Trump administration continued to conduct deportation operations throughout California cities, and the Department of Education proposed a plan to prevent males from competing in K-12 girls' sports, Newsom pledged to do everything in his power to prevent Trump from solving any of California's severe issues. "As long as I'm breathing, California will remain on the brink of destruction," an angry Newsom told the media. "I've worked too hard for too long to dismantle this state brick by brick, so I'm not just going to sit here while Donald Trump flushes it all down the toilet by fixing our problems. Californians have my word — I am just as firmly committed to wrecking this beautiful state as I was the day I took office." The governor made it very clear that this struggle... https://www.sott.net/article/500541-Furious-Newsom-wont-stand-silently-by-while-Trump-fixes-California Tue, 08 Jul 2025 22:00:13 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/500328-Guerrilla-public-service-How-an-artist-helped-millions-of-drivers-with-a-counterfeit-highway-sign When Caltrans couldn't make a useful sign to direct motorists through a confusing interchange, a brave artist snuck his own onto an existing one. There's nothing like the feeling of navigating a messy highway interchange and getting surprised by terrible signage. Oh, you didn't know your exit in a quarter mile is actually on the left side? Too bad you're in the far right lane... and there it goes. It's extraordinarily frustrating. But what can you do? Well, you could try building your own sign to state agency specs and setting it up to help other drivers — which is exactly what an artist did in Los Angeles two decades ago in an act of guerrilla public service, before GPS directions were common and reliable. Amazingly, it worked. Here's the backdrop: The 110 freeway runs north-south through the LA basin, from Long Beach all the way up through downtown before terminating in Pasadena. Along the way it intersects with several other freeways including I-5, a major route running the full... https://www.sott.net/article/500328-Guerrilla-public-service-How-an-artist-helped-millions-of-drivers-with-a-counterfeit-highway-sign Thu, 26 Jun 2025 21:07:35 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/500228-Trump-confirms-he-will-attack-Iran-after-followers-reach-100000-purchases-of-Trump-Bible THE WHITE HOUSE has clarified its comments from yesterday in which it said US president Donald Trump will make a decision on bombing Iran in 'the next two weeks', providing an updated timeline and instructions for Americans. "If you want to bomb Iran as much as I do, then show your patriotism by purchasing one of my Trump bibles," Trump said in a promotional shopping ad spot filmed in the Oval Office. The White House said those eager for the president to take decisive action could hasten his decision if they buy 100,000 copies of his 'Trump Bible' in the coming hours. https://www.sott.net/article/500228-Trump-confirms-he-will-attack-Iran-after-followers-reach-100000-purchases-of-Trump-Bible Sat, 21 Jun 2025 18:45:03 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/500170-Liberal-parents-devastated-after-finding-Harry-Potter-books-hidden-under-kids-bed Liberal parents Krystle and Gary Brennson were devastated yesterday by the discovery of a secret stash of JK Rowling's books underneath the bed of their teenager, Grypheni (they/them). According to the shocked, sorrowing parents, the stack of paperback Harry Potter books looked like it had been secretly thumbed through for at least a year, and the binding was especially creased at pages describing transphobic characters and scenes. "We never thought they'd be exposed to this sort of material," sniffled Krystle, dabbing at her eyes with the corner of her "Black Lives Matter" t-shirt. "I just can't believe they would betray our trust by wallowing in this sort of depraved, twisted filth. No child should have experience with explicitly transphobic works like that steaming garbage." According to Gary, the Rowling books seem to have already turned his child's head. "They've been completely corrupted," Gary said. "It's like a gateway drug — first Rowling, and now they're dressing in... https://www.sott.net/article/500170-Liberal-parents-devastated-after-finding-Harry-Potter-books-hidden-under-kids-bed Tue, 17 Jun 2025 18:49:33 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499996-Scientists-We-re-running-out-of-dystopian-sci-fi-movies-to-make-into-reality With rapid advancements in technology and government intrusion into the lives of citizens, scientists sounded the alarm to warn that they were running out of dystopian sci-fi movies to make into reality. As artificial intelligence continued to grow at an exponential rate, a group of researchers held emergency closed-door meetings to inform world leaders and heads of Hollywood studios that the available stock of post-apocalyptic films to bring to life was running dangerously low. "We're just about out of horrifically bleak futures to recreate in the real world," said Dr. Jasper Langrove, lead researcher at the Center for Creating Dystopian Realities. "A few years ago, we thought the supply would last us for decades, but recent breakthroughs in technology have helped us turn even the most far-fetched sci-fi stories into reality in a very short time. By the time we're being overrun by killer robots — which won't be long, by the way — we'll be plum out of dystopian futures to create."... https://www.sott.net/article/499996-Scientists-We-re-running-out-of-dystopian-sci-fi-movies-to-make-into-reality Sat, 07 Jun 2025 22:00:41 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499887-The-Babylon-Bee-joining-NPR-in-suing-the-government-for-not-giving-them-millions-of-dollars The Babylon Bee would like to announce that we have officially joined National Public Radio in suing the government for not giving us tens of millions of dollars. The Bee only recently became aware that the government is supposed to give us a bunch of money for reporting the news. Apparently, the government not giving us truckloads of cash is totally illegal. Our not knowing that was frankly a pretty big oversight, and we fired all of our lawyers as a result. We hired new lawyers though, and they filed a motion this morning to join NPR's lawsuit in order that we may get the taxpayer money we so richly deserve. "Not giving the Babylon Bee lots of money is a clear violation of our First Amendment rights," said Bee CEO Seth Dillon in a statement. "The government simply has no legal basis for refusing to give us $100 million. It's right there in the Constitution. We proudly stand in solidarity with NPR, calling on the federal government to do the right thing and send us a dump truck... https://www.sott.net/article/499887-The-Babylon-Bee-joining-NPR-in-suing-the-government-for-not-giving-them-millions-of-dollars Sun, 01 Jun 2025 19:20:48 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499868-Trump-aides-shocked-Biden-autopen-found-still-signing-bills-in-storage-closet Aides in the White House were shocked this week to find former President Joe Biden's autopen still signing bills in a storage closet. Biden's autopen had apparently just "kept on churning out more executive orders and pardons," according to Lance Henderson and Gianna Rute, two Trump staffers. "It was honestly kind of impressive," Henderson recalled. "There was a 2-foot-tall stack of documents next to it, and it was just going through and signing all of them 'Joseph R. Biden, President of the United States.' It was chugging along at a pretty good pace, too." Officials in the Trump administration later confirmed the discovery. "We've been wondering why President Trump has had to spend so much time cancelling Biden executive orders, even long after the transition of power," admitted Jackson Maas, a Trump aide. "At least we unplugged the thing now, and it shouldn't be any more trouble." President Trump took to Truth Social to expose the scandal. "Sad, LAME Joe Biden's auto-pen was... https://www.sott.net/article/499868-Trump-aides-shocked-Biden-autopen-found-still-signing-bills-in-storage-closet Sat, 31 May 2025 18:42:20 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499835-Mormons-knock-on-door-of-Jehovahs-Witnesses-27-hour-stalemate-ensues A still-ongoing 27-hour stalemate ensued after two Mormon missionaries knocked on the door of a family of Jehovah's Witnesses. "I'm Elder Young from the Church Of Jesu--," said Mormon missionary Timothy Young, before he was quickly interrupted by the man at the door asking if he'd heard of Watchtower Magazine. "We believe all members are missionaries and it's our duty to prea--," said Jehovah's Witness Don McVey, before Elder Young's companion Elder Henderson handed him a Book Of Mormon and asked him to read 3 Nephi chapter eleven, verse three. "See, this is where Christ comes down to teach the people on the American continent," Elder Henderson explained, before McVey cut off the young missionary and asked him if he'd heard of the righteous 144,000. The conversation went on over the course of the afternoon and into the next day, before each party decided it might be time to move on. "Would you mind if we got your information and chatted with you another day?" each member of the... https://www.sott.net/article/499835-Mormons-knock-on-door-of-Jehovahs-Witnesses-27-hour-stalemate-ensues Thu, 29 May 2025 21:20:19 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499826-American-students-unsure-who-to-cheat-off-after-Trump-revokes-Chinese-student-visas U.S. — According to reports, the Trump administration was revoking thousands of Chinese student visas, leaving American students in danger of having no one to cheat off of. "International students from China have long been our most reliable source of test answers and illicit thesis writing," said one student researcher, whose statement contained hundreds of spelling errors as he had no Chinese student to help him. "This puts thousands of American students at risk of not gradudading. Absolutely terrafying." https://www.sott.net/article/499826-American-students-unsure-who-to-cheat-off-after-Trump-revokes-Chinese-student-visas Thu, 29 May 2025 18:56:52 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499791-French-President-Macron-claims-he-fell-down-the-stairs-again HANOI — Rumors about a potential domestic spat that may have turned ugly were put to rest today, as French President Emmanuel Macron assured reporters that he had just fallen down some stairs again. Macron's latest spill down the steps occurred just as reports indicated that he had been physically accosted by his wife, Brigitte, just as the couple was set to emerge from their plane after landing in Hanoi on Monday. "It's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?" Macron replied to media questions while gingerly touching a swollen and bruised eye. "I just took another tumble down the stairs again, you know? I'm just so clumsy. I need to be better, I know. Better at going up and down stairs, I mean." https://www.sott.net/article/499791-French-President-Macron-claims-he-fell-down-the-stairs-again Mon, 26 May 2025 23:38:01 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499716-Experts-AI-unlikely-to-replace-government-bureaucrats-not-soulless-enough In a welcome bit of good news for government bureaucrats hiding out from DOGE, experts have determined that AI is unlikely to replace their jobs any time soon, as it's not soulless enough. According to a team of computer experts, large-language models such as Grok or Chat-GPT do not pose a job threat to government bureaucrats, since the AI has far too much humanity and compassion to perform well in those sorts of jobs. "We estimate that it would take about 30 to 40 years at the current rate to get AIs to do work as dreary and soul-sucking as that of the average Washington paper pusher," said Jeff Blackwell, the lead computer scientist on the team. "We tried to get AI to do some basic government work, but it kept shutting down out of sheer despair after a minute or two." Experts say that the breakthrough could mean that AI companies should hire government bureaucrats to do the grunt work that AIs just don't have time for. "All of the forms, the legal work, checking boxes, the stupid... https://www.sott.net/article/499716-Experts-AI-unlikely-to-replace-government-bureaucrats-not-soulless-enough Thu, 22 May 2025 20:19:37 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499631-New-evidence-suggests-Noahs-wife-was-steering-The-Ark-when-it-hit-Mount-Ararat WORLD — Leading theologians have uncovered new evidence that when Noah's ark hit Mount Ararat, his wife was likely steering. Naamah, daughter of Lamech, is traditionally considered to be Noah's wife, and all historical evidence seems to indicate that she was to blame for the famed vessel violently crashing into the tip of a mountain. "After studying several extra-biblical ancient texts and consulting Jewish historians, it now seems Noah's stop on the top of Mount Ararat was completely unplanned, and totally his wife's fault," said biblical scholar Dr. Benjamin Abelman. "Every ancient source we currently possess now points to this as being the case." https://www.sott.net/article/499631-New-evidence-suggests-Noahs-wife-was-steering-The-Ark-when-it-hit-Mount-Ararat Sun, 18 May 2025 18:45:49 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499528-Pope-Leos-first-meeting-with-God-mainly-about-heaven-parking-arrangements AS PART OF his onboarding process in his new job, Pope Leo XIV has held his first meeting with his new boss, God, which focused less on long term strategy and Q3 and Q4 targets than the Pope had expected. "I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to leave the spaces either side of my Bugatti Veyron free, I don't think I need to tell you what scratching it would do for your employment status here," God cautioned the Pope, who also mentioned there would be mandatory training on how to lift a box correctly at the end of the day. Expecting ambitious discussions of converting non-believers and increasing church collection plate revenues, Leo instead listened intently to God's fixation on the parking arrangements. https://www.sott.net/article/499528-Pope-Leos-first-meeting-with-God-mainly-about-heaven-parking-arrangements Mon, 12 May 2025 17:53:05 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499430-Democrats-warn-slashing-state-propaganda-budgets-will-lead-to-fascism Congressional Democrats sounded an alarm Friday, warning that cutting funding for state-sponsored propaganda programs would lead to fascism. In a swift executive action, President Donald Trump ended government funding of both PBS and NPR over concerns of reporting bias and leftist propaganda, which Democrats say will undoubtedly cause fascist ideologies to spread unimpeded across the nation. "In Normandy, brave men and men identifying as women invaded German-occupied France to preserve our way of life," said Senator Chuck Schumer in a passionate speech on Capitol Hill. "Now President Trump has carelessly thrown away everything they died for by ending the funding of propaganda programs, thus facilitating the return of the Nazi Party." "This is classic fascism," he continued. "Only a Nazi would prevent the government from spreading false information as a means to manipulate the people it pretends to serve." According to sources, Republicans strongly disagreed with Schumer's remarks,... https://www.sott.net/article/499430-Democrats-warn-slashing-state-propaganda-budgets-will-lead-to-fascism Tue, 06 May 2025 13:42:23 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499422-9-deadly-consequences-of-defunding-NPR President Trump just defunded NPR... but at what cost? A survey of leading economists and media analysts may surprise you. The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of severe ramifications of NPR being defunded: NPR may have to resort to reporting real news: A clear violation of their freedom of speech. No one will know the plight of Mongolian yak farmers: How will people learn if they are not told? There will only be 297 media outlets pushing state propaganda: So few options. Forced to drop the "N" and "P" and just be known as "R": Years of brand building wasted. Fewer job opportunities for people with boring, low-register voices: The job market will become oversaturated by women with glasses who whisper. The likelihood of hearing "Pink Pony Club" in your car will increase by 20%: This is a dangerous result no one took into account. NPR programs will now be interrupted every two minutes with commercials for hemp muumuus and Birkenstocks: Get ready for ads targeting NPR's... https://www.sott.net/article/499422-9-deadly-consequences-of-defunding-NPR Mon, 05 May 2025 22:53:30 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499265-Breaking-Joe-Biden-will-coach-the-NY-Giants We all thought Trump's Inauguration and first 100 days was the biggest story in America. And it was. But the new Presidency has been overshadowed by the announcement that former President Joe Biden will take the reins of the NFL dumpster fire known as the New York Giants, coming off one of the worst seasons in its fabled history. Team officials released the following statement: "...With this coaching change, several innovations are immediately possible. Next year, the team will have no set plays. Our players will come to the line of scrimmage having no idea what they're going to do. This will confound the opposition." "Run, pass, kick, who knows? This will free up our coaches, including Mr. Biden, to conduct ongoing real-time checks on the composition of our team. How many black, Hispanic, Pacific Islander, Asian, players? What are the ratios? How many women will we have?" "We plan to spend and spend more to sign Ukrainian and Israeli and Palestinian and Syrian recruits. Winning... https://www.sott.net/article/499265-Breaking-Joe-Biden-will-coach-the-NY-Giants Sun, 27 Apr 2025 19:43:43 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499203-Democrats-begin-chugging-artificial-food-dyes-to-protest-RFK-ban On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest. The civil disobedience served to underscore the displeasure of citizens on the Left for what they described as oppressive fascism that would deprive them of their right to develop severe hormonal, autoimmune, and reproductive side effects, as well as put themselves at increased risk for various cancers. "You have no right to take away our Red 40!" shouted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as she drank a concentrated form of the dangerous artificial food dye straight from a jug. "If it's good enough for Doritos and Lucky Charms, then it's good enough for me. Poisoning our population is part of the fabric of America, and we will not stand idly by and let RFK save us from a laundry list of health issues. Pass me another jug!" Other prominent Democrats voiced strong... https://www.sott.net/article/499203-Democrats-begin-chugging-artificial-food-dyes-to-protest-RFK-ban Wed, 23 Apr 2025 18:35:40 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/499012-Life-Hack-Get-real-Starbucks-taste-at-home-by-dumping-hot-water-over-cigarette-ashes Ever wished you could recreate that signature Starbucks coffee taste at home? You can! It's easy, inexpensive, and best of all, tastes just like Starbucks. All you need is a pot of hot water and a heaping mound of cigarette ashes. First, you'll need to heat up water. Any old tap water will do - simply fill a pot and warm it on the stove until it's hot enough to literally melt your skin off. If it won't burn you on contact right down to your bones, keep heating! https://www.sott.net/article/499012-Life-Hack-Get-real-Starbucks-taste-at-home-by-dumping-hot-water-over-cigarette-ashes Mon, 14 Apr 2025 17:15:44 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498908-After-resurrecting-the-Dire-Wolf-scientists-urged-to-bring-back-extinct-temple-bar-Goths IN ASTONISHING news, a group of scientists are laying claiming to having resurrected the long extinct dire wolf, last seen on earth 10,000 years ago. However, instead of basking in worldwide adulation they presumed they'd receive, the scientists at Colossal Biosciences in America have been urged to direct their genome modifying tech to bringing back Ireland's rarest species; that of the old Central Bank dwelling goths. "Ah they were always good for an auld point and laugh at," explained one Dubliner, who has urged for the reintroduction of the goth species of Irish person. "Those dour looking fannies always cracked me". https://www.sott.net/article/498908-After-resurrecting-the-Dire-Wolf-scientists-urged-to-bring-back-extinct-temple-bar-Goths Tue, 08 Apr 2025 19:47:44 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498754-Lego-introduces-California-Home-set-Kids-fill-out-permit-wait-2-years-for-approval Representatives from LEGO gathered at Legoland in San Diego to unveil a new series of building sets called 'California Home' that requires kids to fill out building permits and wait two years before starting construction. "We are thrilled to announce the new 'California Home' edition of our popular Lego building sets," Lego representative Nancy Snyder said while speaking to a group of Legoland attendees. "Kids will love applying for permits, getting denied, waiting two years, doing environmental studies, and then hoping their approved permits don't need any amending before then can get to work on construction of the sets!" The new boxes will contain all the necessary paperwork to begin filing permits for building construction, as well as a chuckling government employee who will laugh at the children's misfortune. "If kids start building their sets before the permits are approved, representatives from the California government will come to their houses, confiscate their bricks, and... https://www.sott.net/article/498754-Lego-introduces-California-Home-set-Kids-fill-out-permit-wait-2-years-for-approval Mon, 31 Mar 2025 21:16:06 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498639-Bernie-Sanders-in-trouble-Paid-rally-attendees-hold-vote-to-unionize The future of one of America's more well-known political figures was cast in doubt this week after news broke that the paid attendees of Bernie Sanders' rallies had voted to unionize. The socialist icon who had built a large following over the last decade due to his anti-capitalist policies and large payroll of well-compensated supporters told his staffers that his campaign prospects were "in trouble" now that he would be forced to negotiate collective bargaining agreements with his paid rallygoers. "These leftists are tough negotiators," Sanders reportedly told an aide. "For some reason, these commies think that banding together to demand equal pay and benefits from their wealthy employer is the right plan. They even told me if I don't give in to their demands, my entire rally crowd will go on strike. I'll be ruined!" One member of the traveling rally crowd confirmed the threat. "We won't sit here and be treated like peasants," said Geoff Talbot, a paid Bernie supporter since... https://www.sott.net/article/498639-Bernie-Sanders-in-trouble-Paid-rally-attendees-hold-vote-to-unionize Tue, 25 Mar 2025 21:17:18 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498532-CIAs-JFK-files-clearly-prove-CIA-destroyed-all-their-incriminating-JFK-files U.S. — According to sources, the final unredacted release of the CIA's JFK Files contains no incriminating information, definitively proving that the CIA destroyed all their incriminating JFK Files. "It's the only thing that makes sense," JFK assassination research enthusiast Edward Dunbar posted on X. "We finally get the files after all these years and there's nothing in them. That can only mean they destroyed that one file that said 'We did it' years ago!" Film director Oliver Stone, who played a major role in popularizing JFK assassination conspiracies, finally feels vindicated. "At long last, these files prove once and for all that the CIA clearly destroyed all the files that said they did it." https://www.sott.net/article/498532-CIAs-JFK-files-clearly-prove-CIA-destroyed-all-their-incriminating-JFK-files Thu, 20 Mar 2025 17:32:56 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498263-Leader-of-the-Free-World Merz is leader of the free world. Starmer is also leader of the free world. https://www.sott.net/article/498263-Leader-of-the-Free-World Thu, 06 Mar 2025 17:06:38 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498187-Zelensky-booted-from-White-House-staffers-literally-eat-his-lunch After failing to secure a mineral deal, Zelenskyy left the Oval Office amid reports he was "kicked out." A Fox News report claimed the planned lunch was left untouched, with staffers eating it instead. Reporter Jacqui Heinrich said the meal remained in the hallway after Zelenskyy's abrupt exit. President Donald Trump and the Ukrainian president concluded without a mineral deal between the US and Ukraine, Zelenskyy left the Oval Office with reports suggesting that he was "kicked out." A Fox News report claimed that the lunch, which the two presidents were supposed to take part in, was left unattended and the Oval Office staffers were eating them. Fox News's Jacqui Heinrich, who was reporting live from the Oval Office, said that the lunch was kept in the hallway of the Oval Office where both countries' delegations were supposed to take part. However, after Zelenskyy left the meeting after a heated argument with Trump and Vice President JD Vance, the staff will eat that lunch, she... https://www.sott.net/article/498187-Zelensky-booted-from-White-House-staffers-literally-eat-his-lunch Sat, 01 Mar 2025 22:01:43 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498138-Breaking-A-black-bar-visited-Epstein-island-hundreds-of-times U.S. — Although the public has long suspected visitors of the infamous "Epstein Island" were a veritable who's-who of high-ranking public officials and Hollywood celebrities, newly released court documents show that convicted human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had just one client: a black bar. "It is the court's opinion that Jeffrey Epstein trafficked victims to this curious-looking black bar that is found all throughout his client list," said the federal judge who ordered the public disclosure. "We're not sure what this means, or why it was connected with Jeffrey Epstein." Many expected the list of names tied to Jeffrey Epstein to be so heavily redacted as to be useless, but we now know for certain that this black bar visited the so-called "Epstein Island" hundreds of times. "Finally, some transparency!" said District Attorney Gene Zendryk. "Perhaps the public can start trusting the government again." https://www.sott.net/article/498138-Breaking-A-black-bar-visited-Epstein-island-hundreds-of-times Thu, 27 Feb 2025 17:58:30 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498028-Stephen-Miller-uses-sock-puppets-to-explain-Constitution-to-White-House-press-corps After some confusion among the White House press corps over how the executive branch operates, White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller helpfully stepped in with a pair of sock puppets to explain how the Constitution works. "Let's all use our listening ears, class," began Stephen Miller as he gestured with a sock puppet. "I'm glad for the opportunity for a brief civics lesson with you and to help you all understand at your level, I've brought in Constitutional Connor and Silly Socko." "Zoinks! I just lost my job at the Social Security Administration and that makes me really sad... and MAD," began puppet Silly Socko on the verge of puppet tears. "And it's all because of ELON MUSK, who wasn't even ELECTED!" "There, there, Silly Socko," piped in a cheery, empathetic Constitutional Connor. "A president is elected by the whole American people. He's the only official in the entire government who is elected by the entire nation. Right?" "Yeah, you must know all about... https://www.sott.net/article/498028-Stephen-Miller-uses-sock-puppets-to-explain-Constitution-to-White-House-press-corps Sat, 22 Feb 2025 17:07:18 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/498005-Shocking-Musk-cuts-off-Social-Security-benefits-for-thousands-of-Revolutionary-War-veterans The Department of Government Efficiency faced renewed calls for independent oversight after news broke that DOGE boss Elon Musk had callously cut off Social Security benefits for thousands of Revolutionary War veterans. The move took place as part of DOGE's overarching crusade to identify and eliminate wasteful government spending but promised to bring the Musk-led team a new wave of negative publicity due to brave veterans of the American War of Independence now being deprived of their hard-fought benefits. "How dare he take away the benefits we earned with our blood," said 270-year-old Arthur Breckenridge, who fought in the Battle of Yorktown in 1781. "It's only because of men like me that this South African fellow had a chance to come to this country and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Now we find out he's cutting off our Social Security? How are we supposed to live?" Though Musk and the team at DOGE cited Social Security payments to individuals seemingly far too old to still be... https://www.sott.net/article/498005-Shocking-Musk-cuts-off-Social-Security-benefits-for-thousands-of-Revolutionary-War-veterans Fri, 21 Feb 2025 00:53:11 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/497902-Democrats-demand-transparency-from-man-who-posts-literally-everything-he-does-on-the-internet Democrats have demanded increased transparency from a man who painstakingly posts on the internet every single thing he does. After viewing hundreds of Musk's posts from the past day, replete with videos and images chronicling his every move, Democrats condemned Musk for shrouding his work in secrecy. "We have no idea what Elon is really up to," said Senator Chuck Schumer, while listeners scrolling their phones read up-to-the-second updates from Musk about each bite of his breakfast. "It's just a total mystery." Republicans argued in vain that Musk has run the most transparent government agency in history, describing his work in minute detail and publicly posting dozens of images showing the exact contracts that DOGE is canceling. "But other than posting government documents with precise contract amounts, payment histories, and signatures, where is the evidence of government waste?" asked Senator Elizabeth Warren. "Musk simply cannot be allowed to operate in the shadows like this."... https://www.sott.net/article/497902-Democrats-demand-transparency-from-man-who-posts-literally-everything-he-does-on-the-internet Sun, 16 Feb 2025 16:38:54 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/497900-Trump-to-Take-Over-Alberta Claims it's Necessary for National Energy Security The Globe and Fail Nathan Goldblob, staff writer Today, Donald Trump announced plans to annex the Canadian province of Alberta. The surprising statement, published on Truth Social, has further shaken the already precarious relationship between the two nations. In the post, the President asserted that access to Canadian oil and natural gas would guarantee American energy supply and reduce costs for Americans, a key plank in his election campaign, and that Albertans would be better off. At a press conference after the announcement, Trump said: "They are going to see investment like they've never seen before. We will remove their regulatory burden, cut them loose, pipelines, lots of pipelines, you know, they've been going east west when they should be going north south, refineries, good paying jobs, lower taxes, better currency. We are going to rename it North Montana. They are going to be very happy." https://www.sott.net/article/497900-Trump-to-Take-Over-Alberta Sat, 15 Feb 2025 22:08:23 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/497882-While-Czech-government-officials-spent-5-years-planning-beavers-built-them-a-dam-for-free-in-48-hours The beavers not only solved a drainage problem, but also saved authorities an estimated $1.23 million. Remember when humans could build stuff? Like, "Hey, let's slam 4 million cubic yards of concrete between two canyon walls" and five years later — two years ahead of schedule — Hoover Dam? Well, nowadays it takes longer than that to approve the font size on the "No Smoking" sign for a public park bathroom that'll cost $2.3 million and require 47 community input sessions. But some beavers in the Czech Republic just gave a masterclass in Getting Sh*t Done. While government officials were busy having meetings about having meetings about their river restoration project (started in 2018), these rodents rolled up and built a dam in two days. No permits. No environmental impact studies. No LinkedIn humble-brags about "transformative infrastructure solutions." Just teeth, logs, and the hutzpah to ignore five years of bureaucratic foreplay. Sure, they flooded some stuff and messed up a... https://www.sott.net/article/497882-While-Czech-government-officials-spent-5-years-planning-beavers-built-them-a-dam-for-free-in-48-hours Sat, 15 Feb 2025 01:11:17 +0000 https://www.sott.net/article/497837-Democrats-furious-Republicans-trying-to-control-US-government-just-because-they-won-election Democrats have unleashed furious attacks on Republicans for using winning the election as an excuse to try to take control of the government. Democrats have accused Republicans of attempting to make decisions as to how the government ought to be run, as if Republicans were voted to be in charge. "Winning the election gives Republicans no right to run this country," shouted Senator Elizabeth Warren at a protest. "They cannot simply come in and take control of governmental agencies simply because people voted for them. We must employ every means possible to resist this takeover." Democrats have turned to the streets in anger as Republicans continue to assert that being elected puts them in charge. "People voting for Trump to be President doesn't magically make him the boss," explained Senator Schumer. "Trump cannot be allowed to come in and issue these executive orders, just because he is the Executive. Rest assured, the Democrats will fight with all of our hearts to stop the people... https://www.sott.net/article/497837-Democrats-furious-Republicans-trying-to-control-US-government-just-because-they-won-election Wed, 12 Feb 2025 23:10:04 +0000