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Darth Vader announces bid for Ukrainian presidency

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Sith Lord Darth Vader has decided to join the Ukrainian presidential campaign. His program involves re-forging the republic of Ukraine into an empire and restoring its former glory.

Vader, the former Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker, won the primaries of the Ukrainian Internet Party, the group said in a statement. He is to be officially proposed for presidential candidacy on Saturday at a party session.

"I am prepared to take responsibility for the fate of this country, if fellow citizens do me this high honor. I alone can make an empire out of a republic, to restore former glory, to return lost territories and pride for this country," the Sith lord said.

Darth Vader has previously taken part in several political actions in Ukraine. The most recent was in November 2013, when he was carried in a sedan chair by a group of Imperial Stormtroopers to Odessa City Hall, declaring himself acting mayor of the city, citing an order by Emperor Palpatine.

Magic Hat

Proof that Kanye West is a vampire

Kim and Kanye

Rapper, father and man-sized toddler Kanye West is also a vampire and there is photographic evidence to prove it.

In a photo taken by Annie Leibowitz from Vogue's April cover shoot, West is seen taking a photo of their baby North and Kim with an iPad, who is also taking a photo of herself while posing in front of a mirror.

HOWEVER!

Kanye is also clearly standing in front of the mirror, but his reflection doesn't appear, which means that he is a vampire because everyone knows that vampires are real and that real vampires do not have reflections.
Hardhat

Pheasant from hell terrorises family on a UK farm


The cock pheasant has seen off dogs, a cat and several vehicles at the farm
An unpleasant pheasant is terrorising a Cambridgeshire farming family and leaving visitors and pets fearful of attack whenever they venture out of doors

In scenes worthy of a Hitchcock film, a furious pheasant is besieging a farmhouse and leaving a terrified family too fearful to venture outside without protection.

Farmer's wife Anne-Marie Hamilton said their feathered terrorist has also been menacing visitors to Wood Farm, attacking vehicles and chasing cats and dogs.

A delivery driver was trapped at the farm in Weston, Cambridgeshire, for 20 minutes after the male bird blocked his path, flew at the bonnet and then chased his van.

Mrs Hamilton, who described the pheasant as "a complete lunatic", said family and visitors can only venture into the farmyard armed with "a big stick' to deter the pheasant from attacking.

"It's an absolute nightmare," said Mrs Hamilton. "Even when you can't see him, you can hear him lurking about. He's never far away so you can't let your guard down. He's a holy terror.
Mr. Potato

HMS Queen Elizabeth Aircraft Carrier

Admiral Sir George Parr discusses the future of the British Navy...

Smiley

At our best: study shows humans display highest cognitive abilities when trying to retrieve object dropped between car seats

lost keys
A study released Monday by neurologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that human beings display their highest range of cognitive capabilities when attempting to retrieve an object accidentally dropped into the narrow space between car seats.

The groundbreaking research paper revealed that most individuals are able to perform extremely complex and otherwise unattainable feats of spatial awareness, tactile sensitivity, and problem solving when faced with reclaiming an item lost within the cramped slot between two automobile seats, or between either the driver or passenger seat and the vehicle's center console.

"While the average person only draws on about 10 percent of their maximum neural capabilities when engaging in most day-to-day challenges, our research showed that the same individual, when attempting to recover a cell phone or parking stub that has slid deep into the crack between car seats, uses nearly his or her entire brain," said professor of neuroscience and the study's lead author James DiCarlo, noting that test subjects utilized the uppermost limits of their perceptive, deliberative, and rational faculties when considering how to regain a wallet or sunglasses lying just beyond reach. "In fact, the instant that our subjects lost an item to one of a car's various crevasses, they immediately called up a battery of sensory sensitivities, planning abilities, and motor skills that the brain is, according to our studies, only able to unlock in these very scenarios."

"What we observed under these conditions represents the very pinnacle of the human brain's vast potential," DiCarlo added.
Smiley

Et tu Putin!? And Other World Headlines from the Sott Satire Desk

Vlad the Impolite

Allegations that Vladimir Putin was a direct descendant of Vlad the Impaler were substantiated today. A leaked video from a Kremlin party clearly shows the Russian Premier avoiding the vol-au-vents (an obvious snub to the French) and attacking the cocktail sausages with a cocktail stick.

*****

Putin truth pandemic hits White House

The White House spokesman who spoke of US unemployment being 37% and not 7%, is continuing to undergo psychiatric testing. An unnamed source stated he may be suffering from a 'truth based' affliction now known as the 'Putin pandemic.'

*****

Harry Putin and the Chamber of 'trumped up charges'

J.K. Rowling, author of the hugely popular Harry Potter books, sensationally revealed that "He who shall not be named" - Lord Voldermont, was actually inspired by Vladimir Putin.

*****

Putin Inspires Caesar Rewrite

Compliance with the new UN Cultural Correctness policy gained momentum today as audiences at the Globe theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon, England, were reported to be stunned as "et tu Putin!" was exclaimed in their revised adaptation of Shakespeares's Julius Caesar.
Camera

Putin' it out there: The photo-op that keeps on giving!

© Unknown
Vladimir Putin Riding Things...


I've got no excuse for this post other than I am a day drinker. Oh, and that I am suffering a bit from presidential envy.
Target

Flying mattress saves cyclist from near death fall in Brazil

© YouTube.com

A Brazilian cyclist's incredible escape was caught on CCTV after a truck hit him causing him to catapult through the air before making a soft landing

A cyclist was knocked off his bike at speed by a passing truck - but miraculously a mattress fell off and broke his fall.

The unnamed Brazilian's brush with death was caught on a security camera, and can be seen around 20 seconds into the video.

It happened in the south-west town of Foz do Iguaçu as he rode along a busy road on St Patrick's Day.

But he had the luck of the Irish as he was catapulted from his bike only for the mattress to fly off the vehicle in the same instant and land perfectly underneath him as he hit the floor in a cloud of dust.

The man can be seen sitting astonished on top of the mattress wondering where it came from as onlookers arrive to see if he is okay.

He takes a minute to get to his feet but he is believed to have suffered just minor injuries from the incredible accident outside of a driving school.
Music

Mutual admiration: bagpiper meets beluga whale

Bagpiper Tom Leigh plays music for beluga whales Juno, Naluark and Kela at Mystic Aquarium in Connecticut. At least one of the belugas appears to be big fan of pipe music. The whale seems both fascinated and puzzled by the mini-concert being offered by Tom. Maybe his family is from the Orkneys?

Attention

Ferocious sanctions continue: U.S. freezes Putin's Netflix account

In what was described as a major ramping up of sanctions, Secretary of State John Kerry announced on Tuesday that the United States had frozen Russian President Vladimir Putin's Netflix account, effective immediately.

"Unless and until Mr. Putin calls off the annexation of Crimea, no more 'House of Cards' or 'Orange Is the New Black' for him," Mr. Kerry said. "The United States will not stand by and reward the annexation of another sovereign nation with a policy of streaming as usual."

While all of the sanctions Mr. Kerry announced on Tuesday were Netflix-related, he warned Mr. Putin that "nothing is off the table."

"I'm sure I don't need to remind the Russian President that 'Game of Thrones' is about to come back for another season," he said. "As I have said, this thing could get very ugly, very fast."
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