Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Historic nuclear weapon talks end with the US agreeing to keep all of their bombs

© Waterford Whispers News
Following eight days of tense negotiations in Switzerland, America has increased fears by confirming it will keep almost all of its reported 1900 deployed nuclear warheads along with its over 5000 additional unarmed nuclear warheads.

Conversely the news that Iran's nuclear program would slow down significantly to the point where they will still have zero warheads was met with warm applause from citizens around the world.

Many citizens in the Middle East and its surrounding environs were pleased to hear that a country which regularly carries out questionable drone strikes in several sovereign nations has reaffirmed its commitment to owning nuclear weapons.

"I think if America was trying to be oppressive in any way they would hide their weapons away and out of sight," explained Yemeni national Aaban Abad, "but instead they take them on world tours on big aircraft carriers, showing them off. I think it's their way of saying 'look, don't listen to all that nonsense, here are our weapons you are free to have a look'".


Going Postal, by JoyCamp - Official Trailer

© Joy Camp
Thanks for watching and subscribing! This is the opening video of a much larger piece - more coming soon!

Going Postal is about a disgruntled mailman who confronts the impending future as Amazon's drone delivery service takes over his route, and his life...


Jon Stewart slams Big Food for 'Death menu of artificial chemicals, antibiotics and cool ranch carcinogens'

© alternet
"Making food slightly less bad for you craze is spreading," according to Jon Stewart in his "the Snacks of Life" segment on The Daily Show.

From sharing the announcement by McDonalds that it will only buy chicken raised without antibiotics within the next two years to Dunkin' Donuts eliminating the chemical that gives its powered donuts that bright, white look, Stewart hammers Big Food for turning our "food supply into an addictive, fattening, death menu of artificial chemicals, antibiotics and cool ranch carcinogens." He also exposes the new "KIDS eat right" label that Kraft is helping to financially support via the not so academy of Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics.

Cupcake Pink

Scientists discover eating serves function other than easing anxiety

PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the biological underpinnings behind the behavior, scientists at Brown University announced Tuesday that eating appears to serve a number of key functions besides relieving anxiety. "While a considerable portion of food is indeed ingested in order to distract an individual from feelings of panic and insecurity, our research shows that eating actually confers several benefits beyond temporarily holding despair at bay," said Dr. Sandra Lutkin, who explained that consuming food has been found to provide vital nutrients to the human body and in many cases replenish it with energy, suggesting that its primary purpose may not be as a coping mechanism at all.


It was THAT big! Scottish fisherman nets Russian submarine after it strayed inside British waters in the North Sea


Angus MacLeod (pictured) a fishing boat skipper, has lodged an incident report with the Maritime and Coastguard Agency and the Marine Accident Investigation Branch following the unusual occurence.
A fisherman told last night about the one that got away - a suspected Russian submarine which became entangled in his nets after it strayed inside British waters in the North Sea.

Angus Macleod, 46, was fishing for haddock and skate when he became convinced that a hostile vessel was caught up below his boat Aquarius.

The submarine attempted to free itself, taking the 65ft vessel and his two-ton catch with it.

Comment: Everything now-a-days is Moscow's fault.

Arrow Down

Lunatic wins election

© Reuters
An absolute fucking lunatic has won an election today in Israel, keeping him in the role as Prime Minister of the middle-eastern country.

Benjamin Netanyahu, who ordered the bombings of thousands of innocent men, women and children since taking office, secured victory in the Israeli election after a last-minute push to shore up his party's vote enabled him to close the gap with the opposition Zionist Union and put him back on track to be re-elected.

While vowing to continue the country's eradication of Palestine, the complete mad man had bombarded the Israeli media for the past few weeks in an intense campaign, which fear-mongered citizens into believing that Israel's security would be put at risk if voters put social and economic issues ahead of their country's survival.

"You will all die if you don't re-elect me," he told viewers on nine different TV stations. "Concentration camps. Holocaust. Arabs. Nuclear bombs. Iran. Jews dead. Boom! Capiche?" Netanyahu added while shrugging his shoulders in a gesture of 'need I say more'.

The lunatic's party narrowly won the election in what was almost a dead heat, despite openly accusing 'Arab voters' of trying to sabotage his campaign by voting democratically against him 'on purpose'.

"I would advise the Arab community in Israel to stop voting against me," Netanyahu said on his Facebook page. "As I am Jewish, this can be classed as antisemitic behaviour and you could go to prison for such an attack on our democracy and people".

Shortly after being reelected, the Israeli prime minister requested another four billion dollars worth of military hardware from the United States for 'defence purposes', and ordered his army to reclaim some more land from the Palestinian people to celebrate.


US Congress's approval rating no longer detectable by current technology

© Michael Reynolds/EPA/LANDOV
Washington - After a challenging week for the legislative body, the approval rating of the United States Congress has shrunk to a point where it is no longer detectable by the technology currently available, a leading pollster said on Friday.

Davis Logsdon, who heads the highly regarded Opinion Research Institute at the University of Minnesota, said that his polling unit has developed highly sensitive measurement technology in recent years to gauge Congress's popularity as it fell into the single digits, but added that "as of this week, Congress is basically flatlining."

"At the beginning of the week, you could still see a slight flicker of approval for Congress," he said. "Then—bam!—the lights went out."

Logsdon said, however, that people should resist drawing the conclusion that Congress's approval rating now stands at zero. "They may have support in the range of .0001 per cent or, say, .0000001 per cent," he said. "Our equipment just isn't advanced enough to measure it."

Logsdon said that the swift descent of Congress's approval rating below detectable levels has surprised experts in the polling profession. "A couple of years ago, when they shut down the government, I wondered, What could they possibly do to become less popular than this?" the pollster said.
"Now we know."


Bird of prey seen tucking into donner kebab in Manchester city centre


The bird of prey was pictured by a GMP officer
A bird of prey has been spotted eating a donner kebab in Manchester city centre.

The hungry hawk-like animal was photographed on a brick ledge in the Gay Village tucking into a sliver of grilled lamb on Friday lunchtime.

GMP City Centre tweeted an image of the bird and added: "An eagle-eyed cop saw a bird of prey in the Village. Bird was enjoying a lunch of donner meat. Yum!"
An eagle-eyed cop saw a bird of prey in the Village. Bird was enjoying a lunch of donner meat. Yum!
— GMP City Centre (@GMPCityCentre) March 13, 2015
If you saw the bird and have more photographs, contact us on 0161 2112323 or email [email protected]

It comes in the same week a kestrel was spotted eating a pie at Shudehill bus station.


Kestrel eating a pie


Wall Street firm develops new high-speed algorithm capable of performing over 10,000 ethical violations per second

© The Onion
New York—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more than 10,000 ethical violations per second. "With this new automated program, we'll be able to systematically deceive investors, engage in conflicts of interest, and execute thousands of other blatantly unethical dealings in the time it takes to press a button," said John Waldron, co-head of Goldman Sachs' investment banking division, who added that the high-frequency impropriety system will be able to break more rules in a minute than an entire floor of morally suspect securities traders, financial analysts, and portfolio managers could over the course of a week.

"In the past, if one of our brokers wanted to exploit a questionably legal regulatory loophole or breach the covenant of good faith with an investment client, that would require hours of manually contravening the basic principles of professional integrity. But this innovative system will allow millions of such transgressions to go through every single day. Going forward, I expect this revolutionary program to be the cornerstone of our business." Upon learning of the advanced new unethical algorithm, investors initiated a buying frenzy on Goldman Sachs stock, sending share prices surging more than 30 percent to $245.46.


Pee back time! Hamburg party district's revenge on urinating partygoers

© Still from YouTube video
Residents of St Pauli, the notorious Hamburg party hub, are taking revenge on the drunken partygoers who have for years been urinating on the neighborhood's buildings and streets, with a high-tech paint that sends the urine bouncing right back.

Local community group IG St Pauli cooked up this unorthodox method to combat shameless public urination after residents realized that traditional tactics weren't deterring messy drunks from relieving themselves all over the neighborhood.

"Prohibitions and fines do scarcely anything," said a member of the group "So we decided to solve the problem our own way. Now, St Pauli pees back."

The hydrophobic paint, also used in shipbuilding, deflects any liquid that comes into contact with it, meaning those who pee on surfaces will find their own urine shooting right back at them. St Pauli welcomes some 20 million visitors each year, many of whom forgo its slew of trendy cafes and shops in favor of the seedy bars and strip clubs in its red light districts, the Reeperbahn.

Comment: Great idea, hope it works.