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Fri, 12 Feb 2016
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
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Cheeseburger

Burgers for everyone, inspired by presidential candidates

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A restaurant in Colorado has unveiled a Trump Burger, topped with two bacon-wrapped cream-cheese-filled jalapeno poppers. (Their idea is that it's so spicy, it leads people who eat it to say, "You're Fired!")

I think I can do a little better. So I came up with a whole menu of burgers inspired by each of the presidential candidates...

Comet

Study finds regular, controlled Washington D.C. wildfires crucial for restoring a healthy political environment

Calling the process essential to preventing overgrowth and promoting renewal, a study released Tuesday by researchers at American University found that regular, controlled Washington, D.C. wildfires are crucial to the restoration of a healthy political environment.

"Periodic blazes that destroy sections of the Beltway region are a natural part of the political cycle and play a key role in maintaining democratic balance," read the study in part, which explained that occasional wildfires of mild to moderate intensity are the most important and effective mechanism for clearing out old federal agencies so that new ones can take their place and flourish.

"Although such fires are often considered a hazard, without them government would quickly become dense, overrun, and impenetrable, stifling political diversity and inhibiting the germination of new ideas. In fact, had the Great Washington Fire of 1964 not provided them with room to grow, the Departments of Transportation and Housing and Urban Development would never have been able to take root and thrive."

The study concluded that attempts to suppress the wildfires would likely only lead to the occurrence of far more powerful blazes in the future capable of causing significant, permanent damage to the government's branches.

Cell Phone

Anti-selfie pills hit the shelves to cure 'sick to death of selfies' ailments

© AP Photo/ Mal Fairclough
You know selfies are no longer cool when world leaders get involved - #davidcameron #obama #hellethorningschmid - but still, social media streams remain dominated by them.

Here's my looking #sexy #selfie and here's my looking #sad #selfie. Here's my #pouting #selfie, here's me, here's me, here's me... you get the idea.

Telephone

Deceased mother wishes son would seance more often

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The restless spirit of a deceased Brisbane mother reports from the other side that it would be nice if her son conducted more seances and kept in touch a bit more often.

"He doesn't need to hold a seance every day but once a week would be sweet, just so I know what the kids are up to and that he's happy and eating well," reported the ethereal soul of deceased mother Mavis Chook via a ouija board. "I know he's been very busy at work and the break up of his marriage has been hard on him... well I imagine it's been hard on him because he hasn't found the time to link hands around a table with a bunch of friends and summon me back into the material world to talk about it. I have to find these things out from his sister."

Bacon

Satire: Two pigs dressed as a doctor the source of bacon cancer study

© thismanskitchen.wordpress.com
The World Health Organisation has retracted a study that revealed a connection between bowel cancer and bacon after an alert staff member discovered that the doctor presenting the results was actually two pigs dressed up in a long white lab coat.

"The presentation he gave was certainly impressive with lots of graphs and pie charts," said Dr Hermione Trotter, head of ontological research at WHO. "No-one questioned his credentials because he had a stethoscope around his neck. We were on the verge of recommending a world wide ban on bacon and sausages when one of our secretaries noticed something out of the ordinary."

Comment:


Nebula

Mind warp power! Former UK Councilor stops the Illuminati from using the Large Hadron Collider to destroy us all

Here's a headline you just can't make up. (Or, at least, we didn't.)

Former UK Town Councilor Simon Parkes is claiming that he thwarted an evil plan to use the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world's most powerful particle accelerator, at CERN to destroy all life on the planet. The nefarious plot was cooked up by, you guessed it, the Illuminati.

Smiley

New WHO study: Consumption of 'Super-food' kale can cause extreme arrogance

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The World Health Organisation (WHO) has released a new report today warning that consumption of the 'super-food' kale over a period of time can lead consumers to have heightened levels of arrogance.

The study was conducted in several cafes in Sydney's beach-side suburb of Bondi and also its inner-city suburb of Newton where kale consumption is almost at epidemic levels.

A spokesperson for the WHO told The (un)Australian: "These findings though alarming are not surprising, I mean we've all been at a dinner party and had to endure the whining of a vegetarian or worse a vegan, talking about how superior they are to us carnivores.

"Until recently they merely whined, now with the introduction of kale and to a lesser extent quinoa their whining is now more boastful and confrontational."

Minister for Agriculture Barnaby Joyce is currently considering legislation to confront the kale epidemic and has not ruled out making the consumption of red meat compulsory for all Australians.

Upon hearing of the news of compulsory red meat consumption, a number of petitions appeared on the website change.org calling for kale to replace the Australian flag.

Pumpkin

Dia de los Muertos, Celebrating the Day of the Dead

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© www.wikiart.org

The Day of the Dead - Diego Rivera
Series in which food writer and presenter Stefan Gates immerses himself in some of the most extraordinary feasts and festivals on earth. By joining ordinary people in these strange and wonderful distillations of their culture and beliefs, he hopes to gain a revelatory insight into how the world thinks and feels.

Stefan goes on a wild emotional and spiritual rollercoaster ride, starting with a teenage girl's bizarre coming-of-age ceremony and ending with the Day of the Dead, a cacophonous cross-cultural festival of the senses during which Mexicans truly believe that their loved ones come back from the dead for three days every year to spend the day with them.

In Oaxaca, he is dressed up as a dead woman and made to dance like a lunatic at the head of a procession as it makes its way through town. He is turned into an emotional wreck at the moment the dead return, bursting into tears as Dias de los Muertos makes him experience grief and loss for the first time.

But then in the next breath, the family Stefan is living with teach him to celebrate and laugh at death. They turn his views on their head, allowing him to embrace and conquer his fear of death through an extraordinary sensual onslaught of food, flowers, songs and smells. The sight of the graveyards overflowing with flowers and mescal-drinking revellers is a truly life-changing experience.

Comment: Don't panic! Lighten up!
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Newspaper

Stephen Colbert on CNBC's republican debate: The biggest loser was everyone

If you missed CNBC's Republican presidential debate on Wednesday, Stephen Colbert says you didn't miss out on much.

"In some ways, it was impressive," Colbert said on his late-night show. "It managed to thread the needle between confusing and boring."

The biggest problem, according to Colbert? The moderators. Not only were they needlessly rude and antagonistic, he said, but at times they seemed woefully unprepared: At one point, moderator Becky Quick asked Donald Trump why she thought he had criticized Mark Zuckerberg on immigration after the billionaire denied it. (As Quick later noted, it was on Trump's campaign website.)

Fish

'Einstein' the goldfish receives life preserver for swimming

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© Leighton Taylor
When four-year-old Einstein developed a "swim bladder" infection, his compassionate caretaker rigged him a neat device to stay afloat.

Similar to the kitten who received a 3D printed wheelchair, this tiny goldfish with a lifejacket is beyond adorable.

When Einstein, the cute fish seen in the video above, got a "swim bladder" infection, he could barely wriggle about.
Rather than give him the big flush, his owner, Leighton Naylor, got innovative and designed him an underwater "life jacket" from recycled tubing.

Naylor and Einstein have a close bond, so it makes sense neither were willing to give up when faced with a challenge. Einstein is actually trained to perform tricks when directed, and can do things such as swim through hoops.

The compassionate innovator is not the first individual to build such a contraption: other people have made mobility devices for their aquatic friends using materials like cork and tubing. However, no act of kindness is ever too small, and this pleasing success is definitely worth celebrating.
"People can be dismissive of goldfish as pets," Naylor, who resides in Blackpool, England told SWNS.com. "But they are intelligent animals, as Einstein proves."
Four-year-old Einstein seems quite pleased with his new rig and is "one happy fish," as his caretaker comments. Never doubt the genius of these creatures; after all, goldfish have an attention span one second longer than most humans.