Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

A retrospective of the Bush era

Number of news stories from 1998 to Election Day 2000 containing "George W. Bush" and "aura of inevitability": 206

Amount for which Bush successfully sued Enterprise Rent-A-Car in 1999: $2,500

Year in which a political candidate first sued Palm Beach County over problems with hanging chads: 1984

Total amount the Bush campaign paid Enron and Halliburton for use of corporate jets during the 2000 recount: $15,400

Percentage of Bush's first 189 appointees who also served in his father's administration: 42

Minimum number of Bush appointees who have regulated industries they used to represent as lobbyists: 98


Years before becoming energy secretary that Spencer Abraham cosponsored a bill to abolish the Department of Energy: 2

Number of Chevron oil tankers named after Condoleezza Rice, at the time she became foreign policy adviser: 1

Sheeple

Goat Starts Iowa Fire; Cat Raises Alarm

Des Moines, Iowa - Firefighters say a cat is the hero and a goat is the goat in a house fire that destroyed an Iowa home this week.

The blaze in Warren County was believed to have been started by a goat that knocked over a space heater in an attached shed Tuesday and it might have proved deadly had the family cat not awakened the sleeping residents.

Heart - Black

Satire: Prince Philip alters will

Philip and Harry
© The Daily MashTwo peas in an unbelievably luxurious pod
Prince Philip has changed his will in order to bequeath his extensive collection of racist paraphernalia to his favourite grandson.

The move comes after Prince Harry was caught on camera using racially offensive language to the shock and surprise of absolutely no-one.

War Whore

Satire: Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate

WASHINGTON - A team of nine specially trained handlers have successfully lured outgoing vice president Dick Cheney into a reinforced steel traveling crate in order to transport him back to his permanent enclosure in Casper, WY, official sources reported Monday.

Butterfly

Australia offers 'best job in world' on paradise island

Great Barrier Reef
© AFPAn Australian state is offering internationally what it calls "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months. The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the winner's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.
An Australian state is offering internationally what it calls "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.

The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the winner's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.

In return, the "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, snorkel the reef, take care of "a few minor tasks" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.

Family

Girl, 13, Sends 14,528 Texts In A Month

A California father says he discovered his 13-year-old daughter sent 484 text messages per day last month - one message every 2 minutes of every waking hour.

Greg Hardesty of Silverado Canyon, Calif., told the New York Post his 440-page cell phone bill revealed his daughter Reina had sent an astonishing 14,528 text messages.

"First, I laughed. I thought, 'That's insane, that's impossible,'" said Hardesty, 45, a reporter for The Orange County Register. "And I immediately whipped out the calculator to see if it was humanly possible."

Sherlock

Man finds coin lost for 102 years

London -- A British man said he has found a gold sovereign, worth about $222, that was lost on his farm more than 100 years ago.

Alan Booton, 64, said he heard a story about a previous occupant of the Greatham, England, farm losing the coin, which was a gift for his daughter's wedding, in 1907, The Times of London reported Monday.

Smiley

Couple Weds In Taco Bell

An Illinois couple who said they enjoyed hanging out at Taco Bell decided to marry there.

"It's appropriate. It's an off-beat relationship and we figured that would be off-beat," said Paul Brooks, 30, a professional videographer from Normal, Ill.

Friday night, Brooks wed Caragh Brooks, 21, an Australian artist and writer he met through an Internet dating service more than a year ago, The Pantagraph in Bloomington, Ill., reported Sunday.

Smiley

140-year- old lobster granted freedom

Image
© AP Photo/P.E.T.A.In this photo released by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, 'George,' a live 20 pound lobster rests on a plate at City Crab and Seafood in New York, Friday, Jan. 9, 2009. City Crab and Seafood has spared the lobster, which is expected to be released Saturday, Jan. 10, near Kennebunkport, Maine, in an area where lobster trapping is forbidden. PETA and the restaurant gauged George's age at about 140, using a rule of thumb based on the creature's weight.

A 140-year-old lobster once destined for a dinner plate received the gift of life Friday from a Park Avenue seafood restaurant.

George, the 20-pound supercentenarian crustacean, was freed by City Crab and Seafood in New York City.

"We applaud the folks at City Crab and Seafood for their compassionate decision to allow this noble old-timer to live out his days in freedom and peace," said Ingrid E. Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

PETA spokesman Michael McGraw said the group asked City Crab to return George to the Atlantic Ocean after a diner saw him at the restaurant, where steamed Maine lobster sells for $27 per pound. George had been caught off Newfoundland, Canada and lived in the tank for about 10 days before his release.

Bizarro Earth

Got Pathology? Man allegedly caused flats with nails in driveways

Police in upstate New York say a man has been sprinkling roofing nails on the driveways of people he didn't like to cause flat tires for two years. Stony Point police Lt. Peter Quinn said Michael Delisio was arrested Tuesday after an officer staking out one victim's home saw nails being thrown from Delisio's car.

Quinn says the 60-year-old man from West Haverstraw has been charged with harassment, criminal tampering and mischief.