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Satire: Nothing can possibly go wrong with gigantic new bank



titanic
©Unknown
Titanic has been sailing between Southampton and New York for more than 90 years

HBOS and Lloyds TSB last night created a monstrous new banking entity safe in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.

Politicians and businessmen breathed a collective sigh of relief as two of the biggest names on the high street formed one very long name that will never do anything other than be brilliant all the time.

Martin Bishop, a senior trader at Madeley Finnegan, said: "History tells us that massive financial institutions do not fail. Ever. Okay, there is maybe a tiny handful of exceptions.

"Okay, maybe 40 or 50 exceptions. Actually, you're right, this is starting to look really dodgy."

Cow

Donkey imprisoned for stealing corn in Egypt

A donkey from the northeast Egyptian city of Tanta has been sentenced to 24 hours in jail for stealing corn from a field owned by a local agricultural research center, the Al-Ahram weekly said on Thursday.

The head of the research center called police after corncobs began vanishing from a field. The police laid a trap for the corn thief and subsequently caught a local donkey red-handed.

Local media reported that the donkey's owner, a local farmer, then admitted to training the animal to steal corncobs.

A local judge sentenced the donkey to 24 hours in jail and fined the farmer 50 Egyptian pounds ($9.5).

This May, a donkey from the southern Mexican state of Chiapas was found guilty of assault and battery and thrown behind bars after he attacked two men.

Ambulance

Chinese purse snatcher survives seventh-floor leap

Beijing - A Chinese purse snatcher leapt off the roof of a seven-storey shopping mall during a police chase only to be arrested several minutes later, the China Daily said on Friday.

Magic Hat

UK: Pet bunny's ears prompt 999 call

A woman dialled 999 because a rabbit she bought via a newspaper advert did not have floppy ears, Central Scotland Police have said. The force is urging the public not to dial 999 unless they are faced with a genuine emergency.

The reminder comes after operators, who receive 34,000 999 calls a year, said the number was being dialled for "wholly inappropriate reasons". One call was from a woman splashed by a car which drove through a puddle.

Life Preserver

UK: An 11-month-old baby has stunned her family and emergency services by raising the alarm about her unconscious mother

Amelia Boyle picked up a ringing phone after her mother, 20-year-old Elizabeth Boyle, had collapsed in their Essex home.

The baby then repeatedly said "Mama" down the phone - raising the alarm to the caller, her grandmother Linda Wright.

Ms Wright, whose daughter has a history of fainting and fitting, realised something was wrong and dialled 999. Paramedics were dispatched to the scene.

Light Saber

University offers one-day Jedi course

Queen's University Belfast will in November open its doors to 30-40 wannabe Jedi knights with a one-day course entitled "Feel the Force: How to Train in the Jedi Way."

The blurb explains that the training on offer "teaches the real-life psychological techniques behind Jedi mind tricks*, and examines the wider issues behind the Star Wars universe, like balance, destiny, dualism, fatherhood and fascism". It adds: "This course is a must for all Star Wars enthusiasts, although light sabres are not provided!"

Course Jedi master Allen Baird said he "hoped his novel approach would attract younger people to open learning", according to the Telegraph. He explained: "It is not just about the Star Wars films. It is also about the sociological and political issues that are addressed in the films."

No Entry

Get out of my bike lane

Pedaling to work is such a joyful thing -- if only all those recent new cyclists (with an aversion to high gas prices) would go back to their cars.

Southern California should be a bicycling paradise. The weather is perfect, the roads wide and the terrain favorable. Given our natural advantages, we should have named one of our cities after the Madonna del Ghisallo, the patron saint of cyclists.

Magnify

Dog appears as witness in murder trial

A dog nicknamed "Scooby" has become the first animal in the world to appear as a witness in a murder trial.

The animal is believed to have been with his 59-year-old owner when she was found hanging from the ceiling of her Paris flat. Police believe it was suicide but her family demanded a murder investigation. During a preliminary hearing the pet was led into the witness box by a vet to see how it reacted to a suspect.

It is said to have "barked furiously".

Heart

A Miraculous Story: Autism May Have Helped Christopher Survive

Christopher Marino, the autistic boy who miraculously survived 14 hours in the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, eight miles off the coast of Volusia County, and his father, Walter Marino, revealed the secret phrases which helped them in their struggle to survive in the ocean.

Heart

US: CPR performed on cat after house fire

New Bedford, Massachusetts - A New Bedford cat is alive thanks to a firefighter who performed CPR on the pet.

The cat was rescued from a burning apartment located at 562 Summer Street on Tuesday by firefighter Al Machado. During the rescue Machado says he noticed the cat was having trouble breathing. He immediately performed mouth to mouth on the cat as he carried outside the burning building.

The cat, a tiger angora, was revived and resting comfortably soon after.