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Bizarro Earth

Stop-Smoking craze: Want to get a paid vacation? Say to your boss you want to quit smoking.

Employees who smoke must be given time to attend clinics to help them to quit during working hours without loss of pay, new public health guidance recommends today.

The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) claims that the proposal will cut the £5 billion annual cost of lost productivity, absenteeism and fire damage caused by smoking.

It believes that a business with five smokers could spend just £66 on providing advice, including the cost of lost employees' time, and see an overall saving of around £350 in improved productivity.

It is the first time that NICE has issued guidance that applies beyond the NHS, effectively including every workplace in England. The recommendations come as all workplaces, from offices to factories and pubs, prepare to go smoke-free on July 1.
Star

Planet find gets British bookies scared of aliens

British bookmakers wasted no time slashing the odds on aliens being discovered after astronomers announced Wednesday that they had discovered an Earth-like planet.

William Hill cut the odds on proving the existence of extra-terrestrial life from 1,000-1 to 100-1.

"We felt we had to react to the news that an Earth-like planet which could support intelligent life had been discovered -- after all, we don't know for sure that intelligent extra-terrestrial life has not already been discovered, but is being hushed up," said spokesman Graham Sharpe.

Astronomers reported they they had found a "super-Earth" more than 20 light years away, the most intriguing world found so far in the search for extra-terrestrial life.
Vader

Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen (Satire)

WASHINGTON, DC - At a special Earth Day event Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney inhaled his first-ever breath of oxygen.
Star

Ruh Roh - Scientists unearth Superman's "kryptonite"

LONDON - Kryptonite, which robbed Superman of his powers, is no longer the stuff of comic books and films.

Comment: Hmmmm - so much for my plan for saving the world - seems not even Superman can save us now - kryptonite actually exists, and you know the Pathocrats will stock up on it.

It's a bit too symbolic for comfort...

Coffee

DNA Left on Cinnamon Bun Nabs Car Thief

EASTPOINTE, Mich. - Norman O. Wheeler probably wishes he had finished that cinnamon bun. DNA evidence from the partly eaten pastry led to Wheeler's arrest in a 2004 car theft.
USA

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants

MELBOURNE, Fla. -- A Brevard County doctor dressed up in a Captain America outfit was arrested with a burrito in his tights. What he allegedly did at the police station got him into more trouble.

Doctor Raymond Adamcik, 54, would probably rather forget about the weekend when he was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. It's not what you would expect from a doctor or Captain America.
Light Saber

Chinese pirates beat Spider-Man to the punch

BEIJING - China's infamous movie pirates have done it again -- "Spider-Man 3" is already being sold on Beijing's streets almost two weeks ahead of its U.S. premier.

Costing just over $1 apiece, the pirated DVDs appear to be of the actual movie, complete with a picture of the hero in a new, black spider suit which he wears for some of the film.
Red Flag

She stole my lap dance money!

CLYMAN, Wis. Oops! A man uses his cell phone to call 911 after paying the wrong woman for a lap dance.

Comment: What's more ridiculous that the man called 911 or that police are trying to locate the woman?

Wine

Man lives to 100, wins bet

A man who bet £100 a decade ago that he would live to be 100 is preparing to pick up his £25,000 winnings.

So confident was bookmaker William Hill in 1997 that it gladly offered Alec Holden odds of 250/1.

But the retired engineer, born April 24, 1907, celebrates his century - to the bookies' dismay.
Cut

Richard Branson edited out of Bond movie

British Airways reportedly airbrushed arch-rival Richard Branson out of its in-flight version of Casino Royale.

The Virgin Atlantic chief is briefly featured in the 007 film at an airport security scanner, but - in the edited version - can only be seen from the back.

Shots of the tail fin of a Virgin plane have also been obscured, sources said.

A spokesman for BA said only that it "previews films before they are screened on our aircraft and regularly edits films" on the grounds of taste and suitability.
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