People all over the world are reacting with shock, disbelief and also relief at last week's announcement that the New Age has decided to go into retirement.
"Was it something we did?" sobbed Rainbowchild Dewdrop Flower into her organic coconut milk chai, outside her tipi here in Nevada County, California. "Did we not chant fervently enough? Were our prayer flags not plentiful enough? Were our affirmations too predictable and clichéd?"
In fact, the New Age came of age in the late '60s, and, just like many other baby boomers, is ready to collect Social Security and to retire to Key West, Florida. The New Age has just gotten old, that's all. Ol' New Age plans to live out the rest of its years hanging out in all-you-can-eat steak and shrimp bars, and drinking margaritas during Happy Hour. "I've been in this gig way too long, bro," said New Age recently to a close confidante. "Heck, even my inner child is married with kids and a dog and shit now. I tell ya, I've eaten enough tofu and sprouts, and worn enough tie-dye for one life time. I deserve to live out the rest of my days in peace. Nah, forget peace. I'm ready to be loud and gross."
So how does the announcement of New Age's retirement affect the average recovering hippie, like you or me?
Here is a handy quick-tip guide to how last week's announcement might affect your daily routine.