Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Mr. Potato

Satire: Iraq had shoes all along, claims vindicated Bush

Super shoe
© The Daily MashSaddam built a super-shoe to attack Israel
President Bush last night claimed his decision to invade Iraq had been vindicated after US troops uncovered an arsenal of shoes on the outskirts of Fallujah.

More than 400 lethal shoes including sandals, pumps, desert boots and a solitary brogue were revealed as Mr Bush paid a final visit to Iraq to see if there was anything left.

A White House spokesman immediately dismissed claims the US invasion had been based on Saddam Hussein's alleged stockpile of chemical and biological weapons, adding: "No we didn't, we said shoes.

"We did and if you heard weapons of mass destruction, that's your problem. You might want to try using a cotton bud."

The spokesman added: "We believe that many of these shoes would have been built in China with Russian laces, French-made heels and odour-absorbing insoles purchased through back channels via the west African state of Niger."

Footprints

Teenager completes UK coast walk

Image
© BBCSeb Green on Chesil Beach as he arrives home after 11 months walking
A teenager who sparked a land and air rescue operation after stealing a boat has completed a sponsored walk around Britain to make amends.

Seb Green was 15 when he and a friend sparked a search costing £20,000 when they got stranded near Weymouth Harbour, Dorset, in May 2004.

He has spent nearly a year walking 5,821 miles (9,367km) around Britain with his border collie, Flash.

Stop

Santa gets a parking ticket

Santa ticket
© The SunScrooge ... repositioned ticket
Charity fundraisers were left fuming today after they were given a parking ticket while they assembled Santa's sleigh.

Richard Walters, from West Bridgford Round Table in Nottingham, had towed the sleigh to the town's Tudor Square to set it up.

Pavement

He said he left his car for just three minutes to unhook the sleigh and move it on to the pavement, but came back to find a ticket had been slapped on his vehicle.

He said: "It's absolutely ridiculous. I had parked just off the road to unhook the sleigh and push it on to the pavement.

"I was there for probably about three minutes and no more.

Arrow Down

Primary school teacher who told children: 'Santa does not exist' is fired

A primary school teacher who left a class of 25 pupils in tears after she told told them Santa Claus did not exist has been fired.

When excited youngsters became rowdy as they talked about Santa, the supply teacher blurted out: 'It's your parents who leave out presents on Christmas Day.'

The class of seven-year-olds at Blackshaw Lane Primary School, Royton, near Oldham, Greater Manchester burst into tears and told their parents when they arrived home.

Pumpkin

Russian trademarks winking emoticon ;-)

How much would you pay for a ;-)? A Russian businessman has trademarked the emoticon - or combination of punctuation marks - used to convey a wink in text messages and email.

Oleg Teterin, president of the mobile ad company Superfone, said Thursday he doesn't plan on tracking down individual users following the decision by the federal patent agency.

Frog

Why did the alligator cross the road?

Orlando, Fla. -- It was apparently the chicken's day off as a 5-foot alligator was spotted crossing a downtown Orlando, Fla., road, witnesses said.

Passersby said the reptile was first spotted motionless on the median of Primrose Drive near the city's downtown and began crossing the road as the crowd of onlookers grew, WFTV, Orlando, reported Thursday.

"Not something you expect to see in downtown Orlando for sure," one witness said.

Smiley

Visa CEO loses his credit cards

Imagine running the world's largest credit card network, and not having your own plastic.

That's what happened to Visa Inc Chief Executive Joseph Saunders.

He spoke Thursday morning at a Goldman Sachs financial services conference in New York, and had come from San Francisco, Visa's headquarters.

Unfortunately, his credit cards didn't make the trip.

"I'm supposed to start off, and say that I'm very happy to be here, and I guess I am. But it's 4:15 in the morning as far as I'm concerned, and I lost my wallet on the way here," Saunders said. "It's rather embarrassing when somebody steals my credit cards." The comment prompted laughter.

Mr. Potato

Bush: Bible 'probably not' literally true

Bush
US President George W. Bush said in an interview Monday that the Bible is "probably not" literally true and that a belief that God created the world is compatible with the theory of evolution.

"I think you can have both," Bush, who leaves office January 20, told ABC television, adding "You're getting me way out of my lane here. I'm just a simple president."

Comment: When Bush expresses his innermost thoughts, we are mostly left speechless...


Toys

10 Stories Behind Dr. Seuss Stories

1. The Lorax. In case you haven't read The Lorax, it's widely recognized as Dr. Seuss' take on environmentalism and how humans are destroying nature. The logging industry was so upset about the book that some groups within the industry sponsored The Truax, a similar book - but from the logging point of view. Another interesting fact: the book used to contain the line, "I hear things are just as bad up in Lake Erie," but 14 years after the book was published, the Ohio Sea Grant Program wrote to Seuss and told him how much the conditions had improved and implored him to take the line out. Dr. Seuss agreed and said that it wouldn't be in future editions.

Image
© Theodore Geisel
2. Horton Hears a Who! Somehow, Geisel's books find themselves in the middle of controversy. The line from the book, "A person's a person, no matter how small," has been used as a slogan for pro-life organizations for years. It's often questioned whether that was Seuss' intent in the first place, but I would say not: when he was still alive, he threatened to sue a pro-life group unless they removed his words from their letterhead. Karl ZoBell, the attorney for Dr. Seuss' interests and for his widow, Audrey Geisel, says that she doesn't like people to "hijack Dr. Seuss characters or material to front their own points of view."

Smiley

'Peace' the Panda bites his keeper

A giant panda whose name means 'peace' bit a keeper on the leg at Hong Kong's Ocean Park, officials said today.

The panda attacked as the keeper was laying bamboo leaves in its enclosure.

Spokeswoman Christie Lau said the park keeper was recovering well in hospital after the attack.

She also said park officials were investigating the 30 November incident involving the male panda, whose name "An An" translates as "peace."