Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Info

Man reports burglary, busted for drugs

Sheboygan, Wis. -- Police in Sheboygan, Wis., say a man reported a burglary only to be arrested when officers found drugs and paraphernalia at his home.

Investigators said officers responding to a burglary report filed by Justin Luecke, 28, spotted a marijuana pipe in Luecke's bedroom and marijuana stems and seeds in his living room, the Sheboygan Press reported Wednesday.

Officers returned to Luecke's home later in the day with a search warrant and found marijuana, marijuana packaging, a scale and two varieties of unauthorized prescription pills, the arrest report said.

Smiley

Man's ball of twine weighs 19,875 pounds

Superior, WI -- Jim Kotera of Highland, Wis., says his 19,875-pound ball of twine is likely a world record for such an unusual collection of string.

Kotera said by collecting bits of twine from area neighbors, he has been able to amass an elliptical twine ball that is approaching 20,000 pounds and is a worldwide attraction, the Superior (Wis.) Telegram reported.

"I had heard that there were people out there claiming to have the world's largest ball of twine and I decided that I would beat them," Kotera said.

Smiley

Pranksters print spoof NY Times

Image
© AFPThe spoof edition fooled many readers
A fake edition of the New York Times announcing the end of the Iraq war has been handed out to commuters in the US.

More than 1m free copies of the 14-page "special edition" newspaper were distributed mainly in the cities of New York and Los Angeles.

Another bogus story was about all Americans being given free health care.

Comment: Imagine . . . . . .


Smiley

Satire: Somebody sells a house

sold house
© unknownPrincess Anne will visit the house later today
British economy turned a corner last night after somebody sold a house.

The prime minister said it marked the 'beginning of the end of the beginning' as the FTSE 100 climbed by 12 points and then stayed there for 20 minutes.

The sale was completed shortly after midday, but was kept under wraps until Downing Street had been informed.

It was finally confirmed in a newsflash from the Press Association at 1.26pm.

The soon-to-be-former owner Tom Logan said: "We had given up hope, what with the banks being s**** and everything.

"But then this couple turned up, had a poke around in the kitchen, fiddled with the central heating, flushed the toilet and then suddenly said, 'we'd like to buy it.'

"My wife collapsed, I got a nose bleed and the dog started howling like a coyote."

Smiley

Garden gnomes banned from church cemetery because they are 'unnatural creatures'

gnome
© The Daily TelegraphGarden gnomes: Keep out of churchyards

Garden gnomes have been banned from cemeteries by a church diocese because leaders say they are "unnatural creatures".

The gnomes, along with plastic flowers and other decorations such as teddy bears, have been called "inappropriate" and tacky by the Diocese of Bath and Wells.

The church banned the garden figures from Wrington and Congresbury cemeteries in Somerset, and have said they will remove any that they find as part of new guidelines issued by the Chancellor of the Diocese, Worshipful Timothy Briden.

A spokesman for the Diocese of Bath and Wells said: "There is no such thing as a real gnome so why should we have such unnatural creatures in churchyards?"

The spokesman added: "Things such as gnomes and plastic flowers are not permitted because they are aesthetically unattractive and they make it harder to maintain the grounds.

Mr. Potato

Office tea monitors 'should stop overfilled kettles'. So who wants to do it?

Tea monitor station
© Claire LimTea monitors should ensure that office staff
use urns rather than kettles
Someone always does, says Stephen Armstrong - it's the mark of the office devil

News that the quango Envirowise is calling on employers to appoint a "tea monitor" to make sure staff don't overfill the office kettle should have George Orwell's grave turning green with envy, to mix a metaphor.

Damn, the author of Nineteen Eighty-Four will be cursing in his celestial attic, why didn't I think to have Big Brother spy on Winston Smith's tea?

Envirowise, which is funded by the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, estimates that more than 30 billion cups of water are needlessly boiled each year in British offices. It has advised that companies re-introduce tea urns and encourage staff to brew collectively, in tea pots.

Crusader

Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and Big Brother

God may be watching over the Vatican's workers, but that's apparently not enough for the Pope, so he's enlisted some help to keep an eye on them.

For the first time in nearly fifty years, the Vatican will require administration staff to clock in and out of work, according to Bloomberg. At the start of the new year, all employees will be given magnetic badges to record when they come and go.

"We can't afford any waste,'' Bishop Renato Boccardo, secretary of the Governatorate of Vatican City State, told La Stampa newspaper. "There is a lot of work that needs doing, and the financial situation doesn't allow us to hire more staff.''

Smiley

Robber leaves money behind

Police say they are looking for a man who held up a Swifty gas station in Aurora, Ind., only to forget to take the money with him.

The Cincinnati Enquirer reported Saturday that police said the robber was "no brain surgeon."

Compass

UK: Thief sent 'sorry' letter to shop

The owner of an Indian food store in Bristol has received an apology letter and £100 from a former drug addict who stole cigarettes from the shop in 2001.

Imran Ahmed, 27, who runs Raja Foods in St Marks Road, Easton, said he was stunned to open the remorseful letter. It begins: "Dear Sirs, I am writing this letter to make amends to you for something I have done in the past."

Mr Ahmed said the thief's change of heart was "really good" and he intends to give the money to a drugs' charity. The thief's letter continues: "About seven years ago I was walking past your shop late one night when I noticed that someone had broken into it.

Smiley

Scientists Turn Tequila into Diamonds

Whoever thought that science was a dry subject might change their mind after learning about a new discovery in which tequila is turned into diamonds. A team of Mexican scientists found that the heated vapor from 80-proof (40% alcohol) tequila blanco, when deposited on a silicon or stainless steel substrate, can form diamond films.