The following fictional story may or may not bear resemblance to events in real life.

Imagine, if you will, that you are a first-generation high tech gazillionaire. In fact, at one time you were said to be the richest man on earth, although that is no longer the case. Nevertheless, you remain unimaginably wealthy, with all the responsibilities and burdens that such wealth brings. (Given the extremely unusual circumstances of this tale, to make it more relatable, we will assign you a fictional name.) Your birth certificate reads Gilbert Harvey Bates III, but the world knows you as Gil Bates.

Gil Bates's erstwhile net-worth preeminence (stolen as it was by an upstart online retailer named Biff Jezos) is not the only important loss he has suffered. Also in the rearview mirror is his youth, his marriage, and his position as CEO of the behemoth tech company he created, MacroHard^TM.

After Gil Bates stepped down as CEO of MacroHard^TM, he focused on his philanthropic work. The centerpiece of this work is the immensely well-funded (and therefore immensely influential) Bates Foundation. The Foundation's scope may be mind-bogglingly broad, but one problem especially consumed Bates: there are far too many people on the planet.

In his youth, Gil Bates read a controversial book called The Overpopulation Bomb, written by a visionary scientist named Saul Derelicht. That alarming book, a huge bestseller in its day, described a neo-Malthusian hell on earth resulting from human overpopulation, and proposed mass sterilization and other aggressive population reduction techniques as the solution.

Gil Bates became convinced, and remains convinced - especially as the worldwide human population has soared beyond 8 billion units - that Homo sapiens have obscenely overpopulated the planet. Once Bates had sold software packages to the great majority of them, he vowed that this existential threat to the planet must be addressed.

But what was to be done? How could this great affront to Gaia be reconciled? When it comes to a responsibility so great, a task so immense, no single man - not even Gil Bates - could hope to accomplish it alone.

According to first responders, a member of the undead community has starved to death after lumbering around Capitol Hill in search of brains for several weeks and finding none.

"BRAAAAAAIINS!" said a reanimated corpse as he walked by Chuck Schumer, Lauren Boebert, AOC, and Ilhan Omar with disinterest. "NEEEED BRAAAAAAAAINS!"

Sources say that the reanimated corpse then shuffled to a stop and collapsed on the sidewalk of the National Mall in exhaustion. D.C.'s coroner later confirmed the undead creature died again of malnutrition, as there wasn't a single human skull containing a brain for miles around.

"We never paid much attention to him and he never bothered us for some reason," said Cori Bush while scratching her head, which made a slight echoing noise. "We just assumed he was a homeless guy or a staffer. Too bad."

At publishing time, a local vampire had also checked into the D.C. hospital for malnutrition as he was unable to find any non-lizard blood.

A large number of lawmakers on Capitol Hill felt embarrassed today, as Republicans from the House of Representatives all showed up to the Congressional Halloween Party dressed in the same clown costume.

"Oh, man, this is really embarrassing," said former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy while adjusting his big red nose. "Believe it or not, we didn't even plan this, it was just totally by happenstance that we all came to the Capitol looking like clowns. Now everyone in the country will think we're idiots."

Despite still not being able to fill the position of Speaker since McCarthy's ousting weeks ago, House GOP members had hoped to unwind and enjoy the costume party. "It's been such a train wreck with the Speaker stuff," said Patrick McHenry, who was only identifiable by being the shortest clown in the room. "With the Republican caucus feeling like such a circus, I felt compelled to dress up like a clown. Looks like all of my colleagues had the same idea."

While other lawmakers showed creativity and individuality with their costumes (Rashida Tlaib showed up as a rabid antisemite), some Republicans were proud to finally show some form of solidarity with each other. "It's been a long time since we were all in agreement," said Jim Jordan. "This is the most cohesive and united we've looked in a long time."

At publishing time, the Halloween party was reported to be a bust, as the GOP majority was unable to agree on a music playlist for the event.

U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen calmed growing concerns throughout the nation's capital this week by explaining the United States can easily afford to pay for two separate foreign wars because of the 20% "Friends & Family" discount she receives from Raytheon.

"I've got you covered!" Yellen said with a smile after multiple U.S. officials expressed doubt the country could stay afloat financially while simultaneously funding wars in Israel and Ukraine. "With the killer discount I get from Raytheon, we'll be bombing people into oblivion on two continents, all without breaking the bank!"

Yellen then produced her limited edition Raytheon Gold Card and offered to put the wars on her personal tab. "Janet really bailed us out on this one," said Air Force Gen. Charles Q. Brown, Jr., Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "She even has a 'Preferred Customer' Raytheon punch card, so we're only a couple more wars away from getting a free war! Taiwan, here we come!"

The Treasury Secretary was all too happy to help out. "Running a country can be expensive," she said, "especially when it doesn't even bother to pay its own debts. Thankfully, with this 'Friends & Family' discount, we'll be mortgaging the future of our country at a much more favorable rate! Thanks, Raytheon!"

At publishing time, Yellen had scheduled a meeting with Pentagon officials to tell them about Raytheon's new promotion that would allow the U.S. to save big on wars by bundling them together.

Brian Mwenda reportedly claimed that his record makes him a "genius"

A student posing as a High Court lawyer has been arrested in Kenya after winning dozens of cases. The man has reportedly demanded that he be admitted to the bar despite being uncovered as a fraud.

Before his recent arrest, Brian Mwenda "argued 26 cases before High Court Judges, Magistrates, and Court of Appeal Judges," the Facts East Africa social media page reported on Thursday, adding that he won all 26 cases.

The Law Society of Kenya (LSK) confirmed on Friday that Mwenda assumed the identity of a real lawyer named Brian Mwenda in August 2022, using the real advocate's details to register himself as a member of the bar.

WASHINGTON — Claiming to have acquired enough evidence to support the allegations, Pentagon officials held a press conference Wednesday to accuse China of being Chinese. "After a years-long investigation, we now have corroboration from numerous witnesses that China is definitely Chinese," said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, explaining that surveillance shows the rival superpower has been amassing millions of Chinese people within its borders.

"We have always suspected that China might be Chinese, but now we have discovered that President Xi Jinping and past leaders have been secretly letting Chinese ideology run rampant in their country for years. They've even gone so far as to invent an entire Chinese language and history; what else could they be hiding?"

At press time, Pentagon officials claimed the situation had reached a level of concern they had not felt since they first suspected Russia of being Russian.

Marking an historic moment in our nation's history, brilliant lawmaker and shoelace combatant Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez boldly took the floor with a biting question for her fellow representatives.

"Why do we need a House Speaker if every one of us already has headphones?" Asked the esteemed representative from New York while holding her custom-engraved Airpods in the air.

The room fell silent as lawmakers from both sides of the aisle turned to listen to Ocasio-Cortez's wisdomly soliloquy as she described how the whole world surely receives piles of nice headphones in little gift bags from well-dressed lobbyists just like she does, begging the question: Why speakers?

After hearing the argument from Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, Georgia's Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene was seen staring at her own headphones, perplexed.

At publishing time, Ocasio-Cortez had died after being laughed at by Matt Gaetz.

Travellers were left baffled after walking into a railway office to find a real-life monkey "working" behind the desk.

One customer captured the langur monkey sitting behind the desk in an office chair on video. The footage also showed the beast typing away on the keyboard and flipping through files.

People believe the new employee has learned the behaviour after watching the train staff hard at work. The monkey business was captured at Bolpur Shantiniketan railway station in Bengal, India.

In a statement given to a roomful of waitstaff at The French Laundry, California Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be the freest state in the Union, and warned that anyone who disagreed would be arrested.

"We believe in free speech and freedom here in the Golden State," said Newsom while nibbling on a 3000-dollar broasted hummingbird with stem cell-infused bordelaise. "Here in California, you're free to wear masks at all times, pay lots of taxes, give gay porn to elementary school kids, turn in your guns, and all kinds of other classic American pastimes! Yay, freedom!"

The governor went on to warn that any disagreement with his opinion of California's freedoms would result in prosecution and prison time. "Disagreeing with me is anti-American and fascist," he said while sampling his main course of live baby goat.

Independent studies have confirmed Newsom's claim, although it is unclear whether the researchers who ran the study were just trying to avoid getting arrested by Newsom. "Our research places California at number 1 in a list of the freest places in the whole entire universe," said one nervous-looking scientist.

At publishing time, rumors had surfaced that Newsom was planning to run for President in his quest to make the entire country as free as California.

The White House announced a new directive Tuesday they say will put an end to President Joe Biden's endless pratfalls once and for all: transporting the leader of the free world on an official presidential hand truck.

"Whoa, look at me go!" Biden said excitedly as he was pushed up the tarmac to Air Force One. "I'm flying!"

The presidential hand truck was specially designed by the nation's top scientists and is reportedly able to withstand the blast of a nuclear bomb.

"This baby is made out of the same heavy-duty material as the space shuttle," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre as she introduced the stylish presidential hand truck, code-named Limp. "It's completely bulletproof and capable of speeds in excess of 5 miles per hour."

According to sources, Biden is impressed by the hand truck's ability to whisk him away from journalists who keep asking him annoying questions about his undeniable corruption.

"Whoosh!" Biden cried out on one such occasion. "Frender limbergrander, man! Weeeeeeeee!"

At publishing time, the president had honored the hand truck with a Presidential Medal of Freedom.