Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Mr. Potato

US: Bored streaker


TriCities.com
Mon, 29 Mar 2010 14:03 UTC
Daniel Lee
© Kingsport Police DepartmentDaniel Lee was arrested after streaking through a Kingsport (Tennessee) grocery store.
A man who apparently didn't have enough to do has been charged with indecent exposure after a naked runner streaked a Kingsport (Tennessee) supermarket.

The Kingsport Times-News reported 22-year-old Daniel R. Lee of Church Hill told Kingsport police he was "bored and didn't have anything else to do."

Police said a man walked into an IGA store Friday night, wearing nothing but a face mask and ran around the aisles.
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Sheeple

I'm Not the Messiah, Says Food Activist - But His Many Worshippers Do Not Believe Him

Bobbie Johnson
The Guardian
Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:08 UTC
Raj Patel
© Eliot KhunerRaj Patel, author of The Value of Nothing
Members of religious group believe London-born author has come to save the world

The trouble started when Raj Patel appeared on American TV to plug his latest book, an analysis of the financial crisis called The Value of Nothing.

The London-born author, 37, thought his slot on comedy talk show The Colbert Report went well enough: the host made a few jokes, Patel talked a little about his work and then, job done, he went back to his home in San Francisco.

Shortly afterwards, however, things took a strange turn. Over the course of a couple of days, cryptic messages started filling his inbox.

"I started getting emails saying 'have you heard of Benjamin Creme?' and 'are you the world teacher?'" he said. "Then all of a sudden it wasn't just random internet folk, but also friends saying, 'Have you seen this?'"
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Black Cat

Cat killed by car 'comes back to life' nine months after owner buries him

James Tozer
Mail Online
Wed, 24 Mar 2010 10:36 UTC
'Dead' cat w/ owners
© Manchester Evening News SyndicationEight lives left: Angelo Petrillo and son Brandon with 'back-from-dead' cat Alfie
They say cats have nine lives - but no one seriously expects them to come back from the dead.

Yet that is what Alfie the ginger tom appeared to have done nine months after apparently being killed by a car.

Owner Angelo Petrillo buried what he believed to be his pet's battered body after a friend spotted it on the side of a road near his home.
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Mr. Potato

Axis of Hysteria! North Korea Fears 2012 Disaster Film Will Thwart Rise as Superpower


UK Telegraph
Fri, 26 Mar 2010 14:56 UTC
Image
© Columbia PicturesA scene from disaster film 2012: North Korea's government is scrambling to prevent pirated copies of the film 2012.
North Korea's government is scrambling to prevent pirated copies of the film 2012 from getting into the country because Pyongyang fears the disaster movie could jinx its lucky year, according to a report.

The regime's reclusive leader, Kim Jong-il, has said 2012 will be the year that North Korea will "open the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower".

April 15, 2012 will mark the centenary of the birth of Kim Il-sung, the founder of the nation who is still revered as The Great Leader - and remains the official head of state despite the fact that he died in 1994.
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Smiley

Satire: Congress To Investigate UFO's


The Spoof
Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:05 UTC
Washington DC -- House-Speaker Nancy Pelosi wants to sooth everyone's frayed nerves and get people to think of something else besides health care. Ms. Pelosi will have Congress look into the UFO phenomenon, and decide once and for all if UFOs are real. She will then report the results directly to the American people herself. The cost of the investigation will be high, about $1 trillion.

"Let's just all chill, folks--ok?" Said Ms. Pelosi. "Let's just have a little fun, and think about UFO's for awhile, ok?" She droned.

Ms. Pelosi then went on the Internet inside her office. She spent five minutes of her valuable time looking at a few UFO websites. She pondered the information for a second, and then came to a conclusion: UFOs aren't real. She quickly called a press conference to give her findings.
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Oscar

Canadian cashier says she'll keep working after winning Lotto 6/49 jackpot


The Canadian Press
Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:36 UTC
Despite winning more than $20 million Ontario's newest multi-millionaire has no plans to quit her job as a grocery store cashier.

The woman, identified only as Bonnie, won half the jackpot in Saturday's $41-million draw.

She works at a No Frills outlet in London, Ont., and dropped off doughnuts and coffee to her co-workers Monday before heading to Toronto to pick up her prize.
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Smiley

US: Michigan fugitive found in Pennsylvania bar wearing hospital gown


WSBT TV
Mon, 22 Mar 2010 07:02 UTC
A fugitive wanted for bank robbery in Michigan is in police custody after he walked into a Pittsburgh bar wearing only a hospital gown.

Authorities say 20-year-old Elbert Lewis Thompson II walked out of Allegheny General Hospital and into JR's Bar on Friday night in a gown and with a needle in his arm, prompting a call to police. Thompson was taken into custody a short time later.

Police in Vandergrift say Thompson had been detained by officers after fleeing a traffic stop there, about 25 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. He was initially hospitalized after complaining of feeling sick and losing consciousness.
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Mr. Potato

Satire: U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion


The Onion
Tue, 16 Feb 2010 14:03 UTC
Ben Bernanke
© The OnionCalling it "basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper," Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much "$200" is actually worth.
Washington - The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

Calling it "basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper," Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much "$200" is actually worth.

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy.

"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we...if we..." said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this - this so-called 'money' - really matters at all."
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Mr. Potato

Relax, Legal Scholars: Supreme Court Bobbleheads Are Safe at Yale

Erin Geiger Smith
Business Insider Law Review
Thu, 18 Mar 2010 08:24 UTC
Justice Souter bobblehead
© greenbag.org
We try to never miss New York Times SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the United States) reporter Adam Liptak's column -- he is always tracking down some interesting legal character or getting behind the scenes in an interesting trial.

But somehow we missed his piece yesterday, and we thus missed this: Yale Law School's Lillian Goldman Law Library is acquiring, and safekeeping for posterity, bobblehead dolls depicting the Supreme Court justices.

The justices (Yale picked up Rehnquist's most recently) have been standouts all of their lives, and their bobbleheads are no different.
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Display

Burglar busted after using company's computer


KOMO News
Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:12 UTC
myspace.com
© unknown
Kennewick, Wasington - A burglar who spent about five hours on a store's computer after breaking into the business gave police all the clues they needed to track him down.

Investigators say the 17-year-old logged into his MySpace account while at Bella Office Furniture and that made it easy for them to find him.

He also spent time looking at pornography and trying to sell stolen items, all while using the business' computer.
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