Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Scientists Turn Tequila into Diamonds

Whoever thought that science was a dry subject might change their mind after learning about a new discovery in which tequila is turned into diamonds. A team of Mexican scientists found that the heated vapor from 80-proof (40% alcohol) tequila blanco, when deposited on a silicon or stainless steel substrate, can form diamond films.

Play

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are


Ambulance

Arizona: Jogger runs mile with rabid fox locked on her arm

PRESCOTT - Authorities in Arizona say a jogger attacked by a rabid fox ran a mile with the animal's jaws clamped on her arm and then drove herself to a hospital. The Yavapai County sheriff's office said the woman told deputies she was on a trail near Prescott on Monday when the fox attacked and bit her foot.

Palette

New Bible has a 'green' theme

A new edition of the Bible sets out to show that seeds of environmentalism were sown in the Garden of Eden.

Just as "red letter" Bibles highlight the words of Jesus in red ink, "The Green Bible," in stores this week, uses green ink to spotlight more than 1,000 passages extolling the goodness of creation and God's charge to care for it.

The first chapter of Genesis is grass green; so are chunks of Psalms and Gospel passages in which Jesus considers the lilies of the field and keeps his eye on the sparrow.

Mr. Potato

Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job

African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America.

Wolf

Dog found 1,000 miles from home is back in Florida

Orlando - A Maltese dog named Max is back home in Florida after he was found in Chicago -- 1,000 miles from where he disappeared.

Max is to be reunited with his owner Richard Gonzalez on Sunday.

On Saturday, Joanne Couture, who runs Li'l Lap Dog Rescue, picked up Max from Delta's cargo office at Orlando International Airport. She took him home for the night.

Coffee

Vote and get free coffee, donuts and a felony???

Krispy Kreme
© Krispy Kreme/AP
If having your say in who will be the 44th President of the United States isn't incentive enough to get out and vote, then how about free Starbucks coffee, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, or Ben and Jerry's ice cream?

These companies and many more across the nation are offering freebies just for being patriotic.

Smiley

Satire: Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift

CINCINATTI - According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Labor, skyrocketing consumer prices coupled with stagnant wages have forced many Americans to work a fourth shift in another dimension in order to make ends meet.

4th Shift Worker
© The Onion

Smiley

Palin takes prank call from fake French president

Republican vice presidential hopeful Sarah Palin on Saturday was the victim of a prank phone call by a French-Canadian comedian impersonating French President Nicolas Sarkozy. After Palin realized the call was a hoax, her campaign staff admitted she was "mildly amused."

The prank tag-team from Quebec, "Justiciers masques," who have previously targeted heads of state and celebrities, posted the conversation on their website (www.justiciers.tv).

In the recording, John McCain's running mate enthusiastically takes the fake Sarkozy's call.

"It's so good to hear you, thank you for calling us ... we have such great respect for you, John McCain and I, we love you!" Palin said.

She appeared unfazed by the fake president's thick French accent and some outrageous comments.

Mr. Potato

The Gorby imposter and the Prince of Monaco

Europe's glamour magazines can't get enough of the story of Kathryn Kechagia Aikterini. The 24-year-old stunner charmed her way into the elite circles of Monaco's high society by claiming she was the daughter of Mikhail Gorbachev, the last leader of the USSR.