Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Stormtrooper

Swiss spider-smuggler seized on German border

Spider_01
© 2009 AFPMan trying to smuggle 164 trap-door spiders is caught by German custom police
German customs officials inspecting a Swiss car got a nasty shock when they discovered 164 large spiders and 45 boxes of cockroaches -- the arachnids' food for the journey, a spokesman said Monday.

The trap-door spiders, most "as big as a fist", were found wriggling around in boxes and plastic bags, Markus Ueckert, a spokesman for the customs office in the south-western German city of Loerrach said.

Sheeple

French island gripped by 'Christ face' on church cushion

Jesus Face Cushion
© 2009 AFP
Thousands flocked to a Roman Catholic church on the French Indian Ocean island of Reunion Saturday after believers said they saw the "face of Christ" in the pleats of a church cushion.

Church officials limited access to the Jesus-Misericordieux church in eastern Saint-Andre's Cambuston district to a few minutes per visitor as traffic in the area ground to a halt.

Believers and curious onlookers pulled out cameras to take pictures of the cushion attached to the priest's chair.

Book

Classic gags discovered in ancient Roman joke book

We may admire the satires of Horace and Lucilius, but the ancient Romans haven't hitherto been thought of as masters of the one-liner. This could be about to change, however, after the discovery of a classical joke book.

Celebrated classics professor Mary Beard has brought to light a volume more than 1,600 years old, which she says shows the Romans not to be the "pompous, bridge-building toga wearers" they're often seen as, but rather a race ready to laugh at themselves.

Written in Greek, Philogelos, or The Laughter Lover, dates to the third or fourth century AD, and contains some 260 jokes which Beard said are "very similar" to the jokes we have today, although peopled with different stereotypes - the "egghead", or absent-minded professor, is a particular figure of fun, along with the eunuch, and people with hernias or bad breath.

"They're also poking fun at certain types of foreigners - people from Abdera, a city in Thrace, were very, very stupid, almost as stupid as [they thought] eggheads [were]," said Beard.

An ancient version of Monty Python's dead parrot sketch sees a man buy a slave, who dies shortly afterwards. When he complains to the seller, he is told: "He didn't die when I owned him."

Sun

Lights cause injuries at Scottish pub

Tanning Tubes
Workers and customers of a Scottish pub said they suffered sunstroke and other ailments after a manager installed light bulbs from a tanning machine.

Locals said manager Emma McLean at The Pub In The Square in Buckie, Scotland, mistakenly used high-powered ultraviolet tubes when she replaced the blue strip lights behind the bar, The Daily Record reported Friday.

Morgan Smith, a bartender, suffered sever burns to his neck as a result of exposure to the lights, his sister said.

Mr. Potato

John Stewart hammers Jim Cramer on 'The Daily Show'

Jon Stewart hammered Jim Cramer and his network, CNBC, in their anticipated face-off on "The Daily Show."

In an interview taped Thursday afternoon that went far beyond its allotted time, Stewart repeatedly chastised the "Mad Money" host and CNBC for putting entertainment above journalism. He also accused the financial news network of willfully ignoring corporate dishonesty.

For his part, Cramer disagreed with Stewart on a few points, but mostly agreed that he could have done a better job foreseeing the economic collapse. Cramer called himself a "fan of the show" and said his network was "fair game" to Stewart's criticism.

Pumpkin

Math whiz, dead for 450 years, gets TV bill

TV Set Garbage
A German mathematician who died 450 years ago has been sent a letter demanding that he pay long-overdue television license fees, residents at his former address said on Wednesday.

Germany's GEZ broadcast fee collection office sent the bill to the last home address of Adam Ries, an algebra expert who bought the house in 1525. A club in his honor was set up at the property four centuries later.

Attention

Police hot-wire sleepy drivers with chili

Red Chili Peppers
Police in southwest China are spicing up drivers with raw chili in a bid to stop them falling asleep at the wheel, a newspaper said Wednesday.

Police in the Chongqing region have started serving drivers chili peppers at highway service stations, holding to the traditional Chinese belief that people often feel more sleepy in the Spring, the Chongqing Evening News said.

Clock

U.S. museum finds 'secret' message in Lincoln's watch

Lincoln Watch_Dillon
A gold watch owned by Abraham Lincoln bears a message marking the start of the U.S. Civil War, but the president never knew of the "secret" inscription uncovered on Tuesday at the National Museum of American History.

The engraving, by watchmaker Jonathan Dillon, is dated April 13, 1861, and reads in part: "Fort Sumpter was attacked by the rebels" and "thank God we have a government."

The museum said it agreed to open the watch to find out if the message really was there after it was contacted by the watchmaker's great-great-grandson, Doug Stiles of Waukegan, Illinois.

Mr. Potato

'Sex-y' sermons cause stir in rural Alabama

It's one thing for a church in a big city like Dallas or Atlanta to tackle the ticklish topic of sex. It blends in with the urban scene.

It's another thing when a small-town congregation puts up billboards with the phrase "Great sex: God's way" on rural highways to promote a sermon series. You can't even legally buy beer in Cullman County, and a preacher is talking about S-E-X on Sunday morning?

Daystar Church, whose congregation has grown dramatically under pastor Jerry Lawson, has run up against the sensibilities of a conservative north Alabama community with a monthlong focus on sex.

Sex just isn't an appropriate topic for church, some say, and others are upset over the church's signs, which advertise the sermon series and accompanying Web site.

Toys

Five things you didn't know about Dr. Seuss

Dr Seuss
© John Bryson/Getty ImagesThis doctor's world included whimsical plant-sprouting corncob pipes and stuffed blue-green abelards.
Theodore Seuss Geisel, the most famous children's book writer/illustrator of all time, was born 104 years ago today in Springfield, Massachusetts.

You've read the books - and if you've got youngsters about, you're likely re-reading them quite often - but what do you know of the man who was Seuss?

Illuminate your further readings with The Afterword's top five little known Geisel facts:

5: Dr. Seuss rhymes with another epic figure in children's literature: Mother Goose. Coincidence? No.

4: When presenting the dialogue for the magicians in Bartholomew and the Oobleck, Seuss employed the use of trochees (or chorues) which presents text in an alternating pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables ("Shuffle, duffle, muzzle, muff"). The techique was also used by Shakespeare with his cauldron stirring witches in Macbeth (Toil! Toil!), by Poe in his poem The Raven and often in nursery rhymes.