Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Errant police spike strip flattens tires

Some drivers in Newport Beach said they were left flat after a spike strip fell out of a police car and punctured their tires. A police report said the strip, which is designed to slow down fleeing drivers, fell out of a police officer's Chevy Tahoe on Feb. 27. The report said the officer had checked out the vehicle but forgot to close the back door before leaving the police station.

At least three motorists had several tires flattened and two have filed claims with the city.

Smiley

Queen's Corgi-Friendly Car on Sale in Britain

Queen Elizabeth
© AFPBritain's Queen Elizabeth II is seen looking out of a car window in this 2006 photo. A top-of-the-range Daimler formerly owned by the queen is up for sale, with unique features including a handbag holder and corgi-friendly fittings.
A top-of-the-range Daimler formerly owned by Britain's Queen Elizabeth II is up for sale, with unique features including a handbag holder and corgi-friendly fittings.

The Daimler Majestic V8 Jaguar, which the monarch used from 2001-2004, has only 14,000 miles (22,500 kilometres) on the clock and is on offer to the highest bidder.

"It's a truly unique vehicle," Peter Ratcliffe, a specialist dealer who bought the car from Jaguar, told The Independent newspaper.

"There is nothing else out there, or ever going to be out there, that you can buy and say this was the personal car of the Queen of England, specially built for her," he added.

Smiley

Things that can't be Tasered: This dog

In Chattanooga, Tenn., a police officer tried pepper spray and a Taser to stop a dog from chewing on his patrol car's tires and bumper. Neither worked.

Smiley

Florida Vampire Running For President

"He does have republican values..." Well, of course he does.

Bizarro Earth

Ridiculous as a Modern Art: Antony Gormley's rooftop sculptures are making New Yorkers jumpy

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In Manhattan 27 of the 31 statues by Antony Gormley will be put on rooftops
Police are trying to reassure New Yorkers that life-sized figures placed on rooftops by the British sculptor Antony Gormley are not people contemplating suicide.

The New York police department issued a statement after the first of the 31 figures started going up around Madison Square Park in lower Manhattan.

The police are trying to avert a spate of emergency calls similar to those made after the exhibition went on display in London in 2007.

"We were notified because of concerns the public might misperceive what they see and call police. We will respond no matter what because you can have an actual jumper at the same building," a police spokesman said.

Smiley

Air Canada learns that hockey trumps flying

olympic hockey gold
© Reuters/Todd KorolCanada's Sidney Crosby celebrates after scoring the game winning goal against the U.S. during overtime in their men's ice hockey gold medal game at the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics February 28, 2010.
Vancouver - Canada's largest airline has learned it sometimes has to take a back seat to the country's biggest sporting passion, ice hockey, the head of Air Canada said on Tuesday.

The airline was forced to delay a flight from Vancouver during the 2010 Winter Olympic Games because passengers watching the end of gold medal final on airport televisions ignored repeated calls to board.

"We incurred a flight delay for a reason Air Canada had not yet encountered in over 72 years of existence," chief executive Calin Rovinescu told a business gathering.

The Canadian fans were rewarded for their delay, as the nail-biting end to the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics saw Canada beat arch-rival United States 3-2 in overtime.

Smiley

Satire: Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text

Text
© The OnionThe giant mass of prose was devoid of so much as a large pulled quote for readers to glance at before moving on.
Washington - Unable to rest their eyes on a colorful photograph or boldface heading that could be easily skimmed and forgotten about, Americans collectively recoiled Monday when confronted with a solid block of uninterrupted text.

Dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California gazed helplessly at the frightening chunk of print, unsure of what to do next. Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words.

"Why won't it just tell me what it's about?" said Boston resident Charlyne Thomson, who was bombarded with the overwhelming mass of black text late Monday afternoon. "There are no bullet points, no highlighted parts. I've looked everywhere - there's nothing here but words."

Smiley

Satire: Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112

2,000 Miles beneath Bavaria, Germany - Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449 on the world's true calendar, died yesterday in his subterranean bedchamber. He was 112.

Extinguisher

Shock: Global temperatures driven by US Postal Charges

The rise in global temperatures since 1880 closely correlates with increases in postal charges, sparking alarm that CO2 has been usurped as the main driver of climate change.

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© NCDC global temperatures, Law Dome & Mauna Loa CO2 levels, US postal charges, Andrew Dart.
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© Unknown
Back in 1885 it cost 2 cents to post a letter. Who would have thought that as postal charges climbed by 40 cents through the next 120 years, that global temperatures would mirror that rise in timing and slope and gain almost one full degree?

Ominously, US Post is set to raise the charges 2c to 44c on May 11, 2009. Postal Action Network (PAN) has already sprung into existence this afternoon and plans to produce a boycott campaign of the new 44c Homer Simpson stamps. Overworked postal workers are enthusiastic. Homer Simpson is reported to have said "Give me the number for 911."

Grey Alien

Toyota's Acceleration Problems Prove the Existence of UFOs and Extraterrestrial Visitations

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© unknown
Congress, the general media, what seems like the entire legal profession, and the public-at large are convinced that Toyota automobiles are all subject to "sudden unintended acceleration" and are hazardous to drive. They are convinced to the point that any other explanation is now open to ridicule, including the completely preposterous idea that drivers could be at fault for the reported incidents.

The evidence that has allowed the truth about Toyotas to become revealed are the few hundred anecdotal reports from drivers, one heartbreaking 911 phone call report involving a police officer, and one in-the-lab test conducted under un-natural conditions. Armed with this information dozens, if not hundreds of lawsuits have already been filed against Toyota. Congress has put aside other issues to conduct hearings, and the U.S. Secretary of Transportation has decreed that people should not drive their Toyota vehicles*.

The purpose of this article is not to judge the validity of the Toyota SUA stories
and claims, or to contradict Ray LaHood's no-drive mandate. In fact, being a believer in extraterrestrial civilizations and visitations, I rather like the certainty that can determined from overall Toyota finding.