If you get nothing else out of "What Makes Narcissists Tick," get the message that frees you of that ridiculous belief. Which is nothing but a baseless assumption.
I don't ask you to take my word for this. Test what I say when I say that narcissists hurt you on purpose. Anyone can test any narcissist.
|©Walker Art Gallery, Liverpool|
|Echo and Narcissus, by John William Waterhouse|
Here's how. The next time the narcissist is hurting your feelings or making you feel low, let your feelings show and tell him or her how they are making you feel asking them to stop it.
Be prepared for a shock. Any normal human being would soften and let up, but a narcissist will do exactly the opposite.
What does that mean?
Is revving up their engines, kicking in the afterburners, and running you right over an "accident" after you show your soft underbelly and beg them to let up on you?
It's no "accident," that's for sure.
Want to see a narcissistic rage? That's no "accident" either. The test: Just fall to your knees in tears begging them to have a heart and stop kicking you around like dirt.
The narcissist's response? He or she blows up into a rage. Is that rage an "accident" when nothing but how deeply they are hurting you provokes it?
No, it's a willful and wanton outrage.
Now hear this: THEY DON'T DO IT BY ACCIDENT. They aren't just inconsiderate and touchy.
Test their "touchiness" (if you can do so safely, or have somebody not at the N's mercy test it - someone who can defend themselves). Rage right back in their face. Act just as wild right back in their face. Threaten right back. Speak abusively right back.
Now any normal person would be provoked to rage by your doing this in their face. But narcissists are so UNtouchy that they do the opposite. Watch how instantaneously the raging narcissist becomes meek and mild and switches to his "I-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly-mask."
Don't take my word for it. Test it. You CANNOT insult a narcissist who isn't in a position to bully you! It's impossible. Try it, you'll see. Your lack of vulnerability gives them skin a foot thick! (Not to mention a rubber spine.)
"Touchy" my you-know-what.
They aren't touchy at all. So perceived slights aren't what set them off. The VULNERABILITY of a TARGET OF OPPORTUNITY is what sets them off - IF there are no witnesses.
That's predation, not touchiness.
Narcissists aren't inconsiderate of your feelings. To the contrary, they are extremely considerate of your feelings. Your feelings are exactly what they are trying to affect. They closely observe how you react every time they do something to hurt you.
And they are like sharks, able to smell a drop of blood a mile away. Why? Because your hurt feelings are their pain killing drug.
They are addicted to it. Ever since childhood.
That's what their mental illness is, an addiction. (In fact, all addictions are classed as mental illness.)
So where do people get the stupid idea that narcissists aren't to blame for what they do?
It's asinine to think that narcissists can't control themselves when we see them controlling themselves perfectly whenever witnesses are present. So, what? being behind closed doors makes them suddenly out of control of themselves? Baloney.
Their problem isn't lack of self control; it's lack of conscience. Conscience is what makes people behave the same in the dark as in the light of day.
Okay, they have an addiction to trampling people. They are hooked on the childish high they get from throwing somebody down, stepping on the victim's back, and thumping their chest with a Tarzan yell.
But since when does an addiction amount to a carte blanche? An addiction is just a TEMPTATION. It doesn't remove the addict's responsibility to resist that temptation.
If a heroin addict sees you with heroin, he will attack and may kill you for it - IF there are no witnesses present.
But do we absolve him of his responsibility for the crime just because he's addicted to heroin? Of course not.
Same with the narcissist. Since childhood he has done this mind-altering drug of abusing people and is addicted to it. He addicted himself.
Yet addicted as he is, he demonstrates the ability to control himself by behaving whenever witnesses are present, misbehaving only when he thinks he can get away with it.
Innocence that is not.
He does what he does because nothing but getting his drug matters to him. So he has no conscience. He lives to get it, whenever he can get away with it.
So, hurting others isn't something narcissists do by accident. It's how they live.
The victims of narcissists must understand this. They must quit falling for the masks predation conceals itself behind.
I don't care how much the poor, little, ole narcissist whines that he didn't mean to, and claims that he has an excuse because HIS feelings were somehow hurt, and weeps about what a miserable childhood he had and how sad and forlorn he'll be if you go away, and all that crap. It's a joke.
Painful as this is to admit, the victims of narcissists MUST understand it. It's the bottom line. It predicates your choices.
Don't take my word for it: test and see. 2 + 2 = 4. Always. Even on Thursdays.